This should have been about vitamins...

12 Minutes!!!!!!!!!!!

No comments today but I am not going to let you guys stop me- I'm going for 15 tonight!

Sometimes I don't know what to title my entries because they are such a hodge podge of nonsense. I wish I did not have to title them at all. Having a title puts a lot of pressure on me to pick a topic and stay on topic- if only in my mind.

I continue to check my e-mails. I wish I could stop. I have considered e-mailing "L" but I won't let myself do it. I hope I don't fail myself. Sometimes I just want a boost and I am hoping he can give it to me, but I know in reality he will take more from me than he ever intends to give and ever since the fallout there is no going back.

I've been looking online for a free online journal. If anyone has any suggestions please feel free to let me know. Sometimes I wish I had a place to document my thoughts - the ones I do not want to share. I know you are thinking a spiral notebook and pen would do but I learned a long time ago they are not safe from my husbands prying eyes.

I get sick of complaining about my husband here but I am less and less tolerant of his verbal abuse. Everyday I find myself getting angrier and angrier. If it weren't for him I would have some pretty good days but I am so sick of him telling me I'm stupid or calling me a plethora of other names. I want to show him my anger in a very physical way. It is all I can do to hold myself back.

Once again I asked to go to the store by myself to pick up batteries. Of course he would not let me. He said I am a horrible mother because I will not take the children to the store with me. I do and have taken the children a million times, but in all honesty I prefer not to. My daughter is out of control. She can not sit still for 2 minutes. When we are in a store setting she screams and yells and often hits me if she is not getting her way. On one occasion I put cookies in the cart and because I would not allow her to open them and eat them in the cart she bit me and then slapped me across the face. I was mortified to say the least. I have discussed this with our pediatrician who thinks this is something she will grow out of, and I should just give it time. In the meanwhile, I have shopping to do and I prefer to do it without the stress of her beating me up as we stroll through the store.

My husband told me I am a horrible mother and he sees plenty of other mothers with screaming children at the store. He of course will not take our daughter to the store because that is not "his job". He told me my only job is to be a housewife and I am horrible at it. Please know these comments are laced with F'ng and damn and sh#t all over the place. It is though he relishes having me in the car because it is his 15-60 minutes (depending on where we are going) to lay into me. He was also angry because when he came home from the gym I was on the phone with my father. And when he gets home I should have the good sense to tell my father he is home and I need to get off the phone. Instead I finished my conversation. I think it is rude to be abrupt with my father and the fact of the matter is I was only on the phone for a few minutes there after. He then told me its his phone because he pays for it- afterall he is the only one in this house with a GD job and next time he will take the phone out of my hands and hang it up for me.

That's the other thing that drives me nuts. Everything belongs to him. He makes sure to constantly tell me its his house, his car, his dishes, his computer, his whatever because he's the only person with a job. I haven't worked in three years but before that time I did have a job and that job paid quite a bit more than his job. It was my money we used for down payments on cars and on the house but I never made a point of telling him this belonged to me or that belonged to me because I made more money.

Anyhow, he told me he took tomorrow off. So he will be off the next four days which means I will be enduring four days of hell.

Earlier today I intended on making this post about some vitamins I am going to try after the new year. There seem to be several studies which show some vitamins are helpful in alleviating BP symptoms. In fact I had a post previously about a study on BP and vitamins. I'm most interested in zinc, omega 3, magnesium and another one I can not think of... I have no intentions of going off my meds but I need to do everything I can to stay out of a funk if I am going to leave this relationship. So I am creating a multi-faceted plan of attack to make sure I do not fail.... But in his usually way, my husband has pissed me off so bad I can not think of anything else.

I suppose I should stop bitching and get to exercising. To bad complaining doesn't increase your caloric burn rate

11 Minutes and Some More Psycho Babel

I will be exercising for 11 minutes tonight. We'll see how that goes. If you don't hear from me again, it is because I died from cardiac arrest.

So I am back on the archetypes. Another thing the book says it that you must look at the archetypes in terms of how you have used them to hurt others as well as how other have hurt you. I am crystal clear on how others have hurt me, but I have also given much thought to how I have used them to hurt others.

I know when I was younger I was quite cruel to a many number of young men I both dated and was friends with. If they showed any affection or admiration towards me I was often very rude and cold towards them. I could not understand why anyone would think anything of me if I had not yet "earned" their affection. I felt that to a large degree I had to prove myself and their interest in me should be based on the solid knowledge of me being interesting, creative, intelligent etc. How could they know this about me in what I consider relatively little time? Hence their interest in me was based largely on perception. To me this was weak and pathetic because if they thought more of themselves they would take greater care in who the kept company with. I know that probably sounds horrible but I am being truthful to the fullest extent.

As far as my relationship with my husband is concerned, it put me in the position of "earning" his love, trust and affection. This provided me with the validation I was seeking. My husband is no less an asshole but I must assume responsibility for the role I played, because if I am being honest I set it up this way and if it had not been with him I would be in a similar marriage with another man who behaves the same way.

When I was in high school I dated the same young man over the course of several years. We broke up when he was a senior but we still chased each other through college. I think back to how horribly cruel I was to him on what was probably a daily basis, and I feel very badly for it even now. There were many things that were very good and kind about him that I was unwilling to appreciate. It is very difficult to explain my feelings towards him, because I was very much attracted to him. I believe I was very much in love with him but at the same time I had absolutely no respect for him. There came a time when he would have nothing more to do with me. For a long time I believed that eventually he would come back around. I thought that we would someday get married. I often regretted my marriage because I believed that it prevented me from being with the person I truly did love- my old boyfriend. But if I am honest with myself, he and I may have gotten married but I would have eventually destroyed the relationship with my antics.

I think there is something to be gleaned from every experience in life whether it be good or bad. I know in my heart I could have never appreciate a genuine and kind man had I not been through what I have been through with my devil spawn husband. I don't know when I will finally find myself in a position to get a divorce but at least now I will be able to recognize the difference between good and bad men and I will appreciate the good ones.

Okay, so now I digress. I was wondering if anyone knows anything about dream interpretation? I have often had fortuitous dreams. They were never symbolic in nature. I have had dreams about my roof leaking and several months later my roof began to leak. I have had dreams where I am conversing with friends and they tell me a boyfriend is cheating on me and the very next day I had the very same conversation with the friends who appeared in the dream. I have had dreams about car wrecks and then the car wrecks occur. I could tell you about each incident but it would be several paragraphs. Anyhow, I had a dream where I am walking through a house. Everything inside the house would lead me to believe that the dream is taking place in colonial times (furniture, dress of the people inside the house etc) As I make my way through to the back door of the house I am met by three older women. They are all very short, fat and rude. They tell me over and over again that "he" did not love me. "He" could never love me and just so I know he tells all the girls he loves them. I have no idea who "he" is. As I walk outside I see a beautiful garden. It is very lush and very formal. There are buckets from plants and shovels and other things laying around. A man I do not recognize comes up to me and tells me its all for me because he he loves me. I hugs me and picks me up off the ground. In the dream I feel as though I know him but I can not place him outside of the dream. He is older with blonde hair. He is wearing jeans and a white t-shirt. Honestly, he looked a bit scruffy but he had on a very expensive watch. Anyhow, I was absolutely amazed that he had created this garden for me. But that was the end of the dream.

Several weeks later I had yet another dream concerning a garden. I was walking with many other women on the grounds of what seemed to be a very formal estate. There was an older woman who was our guide and she would stop and tell each woman she was responsible for a certain garden. Finally when it came to me we came to the biggest garden which happened to be a very large water garden. She said this one is all yours dear.

Both of these dreams have been bothering me because they seemed so real and because they seemed to be connected. But seeing how my yard is a wreck and I do not have a sugar daddy I am trying to figure out if they have some kind of symbolic meaning. So if anyone has any insight please put your two cents in. If nothing else it will cause me to exercise an extra 2 minutes...

Exercising For Comments and Some Other Crazy Stuff

If you ever visit Nicole's blog, she states she will exercise for comments. I think I will follow her lead and do the exact same thing. I need to get my life in order. I talk about it, but I need to take action that is more expansive than this blog or drawing or whatever I have stated in the past.

I was talking to a girlfriend this evening, and I told her I need to get my mood in check, my body in shape and my finances in order. These are the three things I HAVE to work on this year. So from here on out you might encounter some strange things on this blog, but understand I am trying to work through a variety of issues that I believe are inter-related.

I am a big fan of Caroline Myss and Judith Orloff. I have not read their books in some time because my library sucks. But I decided I needed to reread some of the books I have read in the past and start focusing on healing myself. One of the things that Caroline Myss discusses is archetypes. She believes that once you are able to identify your archetypes you can begin to understand yourself and what role they play in holding you back, how they prevent you from healing but also how you can use them to progress and heal. I think there is much to be said about archetypes, because I personally can identify with several of them. I see how they have worked in my life in conjunction with my bipolar.

Two of the archetypes I believe play a significant role in my life are the prostitute and the rescuer. The first time I went to speak to my psychiatrist she said to me that she doubted I would have ever seeked her assistance if I had a more supportive spouse. She explained to me that a spouse who understands bipolar is key in living with and working through the ups and downs of the illness. I can honestly say my life has become more and more unmanageable over the years because of two factors 1.) my husband and 2.) my children. The intensity(the disease itself) of my situation has not increased, but I have been given no outlets and little if any flexibility when it comes to dealing with the highs and lows. This has created severe frustration for me and is the main reason that I sought counseling because I knew the anger and sadness I was feeling was about to boil over in a way that would be significant to my family.

When I was younger and without obligation I had a variety of means to deal with my low points. They were not always constructive or good for my health but they created an outlet. Even something as simple as quiet time alone can go along way in relieving anxiety. Theatre was another way that I was able to lose myself and deal with some of the suffering that I was experiencing. Since I met my husband the vast majority of my freedoms have been taken away. Things as simple as keeping a journal are now impossible because I have no privacy. Often I am not able to do so much as go to the store by myself because my husband loves to tell me, because I do not work I do not deserve any "me" time- if one can call grocery shopping that.

The Rescuer-(or perhaps better put the Savior)- When I met my husband I was regaled with tales of how he had been hurt and abandoned by other women. His mother had abandoned him, girlfriends betrayed him etc. I could not fathom that such a kind man would be treated so horribly by people he loved and trusted. I was taken in by these sad tales and made it my mission to help him and befriend him so that he would know not everyone in life was awful. I supported him in a number of ways. I often came to his rescue financially and over the course of time I began to see this as my obligation. In many ways he told me it was, and I started to believe him. When his nature changed I was dumb founded. And I struggled for years upon years trying to figure out how to make him happy. He envelops himself in self pity and loves to tell you how he never had loving parents, supportive friends or the financial means that I had. So when he did not get his way, well that was my fault. For instance once he applied for a job which checked his driving record. He had $360 in unpaid tickets which constituted a bench warrant. If these tickets were not paid he had no chance of getting the job. He of course did not have the money to pay the tickets but I did. With his verbal judo he would tell me that since I had the money I should pay the tickets because otherwise I was being cruel and preventing him from being happy. And for some reason or another I felt like he was right. I did have the means while he did not and so I bailed him out. This has been the nature of our relationship for as long as it has been a relationship and it has broken in more ways than bankruptcy.

I have had this type of relationship with numerous people during the course of my life and I have often found that they are always available to take but never have anything to give. But I always am rushing to their aid because I feel it is my duty. I am not suggesting you should not be a good friend. But for myself, I need to be more mindful of who I keep company with.

I have attempted to leave my husband on more than one occasion. He is quick to remind me that it is my job to make him happy. He has threatened to kill himself if I leave. On more than one occasion he has done so infront of the children. I always respond in the same way. I back down and console him. I need to see this in myself- own it and know in the future he is not my responsibility.

The Prostitute- The prostitute compromises themselves for financial or other gains. I feel that I have been compromising myself for many years now. Since I have not had steady employment for I guess 3 years now, I have allowed my fear of not being successful and not being able to support my children run my life. I have allowed myself to be devalued, demoralized and emotionally abused because I fear my inability to provide for my children on my own. This is an aspect of my psyche which I MUST overcome if I am ever going to leave this relationship.

These to things are like chains around my neck depending on whether or not I am high or low. So I am making it my mission to work on me- stabilizing my mood so these aspects of my personality have little influence in my decision making. In the meantime, I will be exercising for comments ...Aren't you glad you read all that? Unlike Nicole, I will not be doing 5 minutes per comment not to exceed 60 minutes. I'm too fat and out of shape fo that. I'm starting with 2 minutes not to exceed 20 minutes. We'll see where it goes from there:)

Alone

Jars of Clay lyrics

Work

Just in case
I will leave my things packed
So I can run away
I cannot trust these voices
I don't have a lot of prospects
That can give some kind of peace
There is nothing left to cling to
That can bring me sweet release
I have no fear of drowning
It's the breathing
That's taking all this work
Do you know
What I mean
When I say"I don't wanna be alone"
What I mean
When I say"I don't wanna be alone"
Empty spaces
Shadows hit by streetlights
The warning signs and weight
Of tired conversations
In the absence of a shoulder
In the absence of a thief
On the brink of this destruction
On the eve of bittersweet
Now all the demons look like prophets
And I'm living out
Every word they speak
Every word they speak
Do you know
What I mean
When I say"I don't wanna be alone"
What I mean
When I say"I don't wanna be alone"
I have no fear of drowning
It's the breathing
It's taking all this work

Jars of Clay Website

I keep checking e-mail when I know I shouldn't. I keep hoping there will be something in the "inbox" from Laney. I keep hoping he had something to say to me that wasn't self absorbed. Something that said he had taken two seconds of his day to think about me over the holiday.

I remember right before I got married- there was this nagging feeling that I shouldn't do it. I kept thinking this was not right for me. But then I had all these stupid reasons for why I had to go through with it. The invitations were out. Everyone had been paid -I'd never get the money back. My parents would be embarassed. I'd be embarassed. I'd have nowhere live -we lived together and I obviously would need to find new arrangements :)

But most of all what kept me from walking out on the deal was thinking no one would ever want me. I was too strange, too emotional,too quirky,too flighty, too afraid. I had no idea who I was anymore because there was a time even with all my faults I was strong and determined. I have no idea where that girl went. I haven't seen her for a very long time. And here I am years later checking my inbox and I don't feel much different than I did 10 years ago. I'm looking at that inbox thinking no one will ever want me...

Belated Merry X-mas To All

Sorry I have not posted. My husband took 6 days off and is finally back at work. As you all know, he does not know I have this blog so when he is home I do not dare check it or post on it.

Things have been going so-so. I am feeling better than I have in a while but I am still so very sick of my husband. A few days ago while shopping my husband called me a f'ing retard/f'ing moron 5 times in public and then I stopped counting. He also told me I was such an idiot he was ready to smack me while we were in Pet Smart. I'm an idiot because I asked him what size aquarium he had looked at, at Walmart as I was trying to compare prices. Although I hate it when he talks to me this way, I hate it more when other people hear him talking to me this way. Then we get in the car to drive home and he goes on and on about how good I have it. What a wonderful husband he is... He doesn't drink, or watch football, or play cards. You know a lot of guys do that kind of stuff... He just works hard for his family.

I also had to listen about how I never wear make-up, haven't bothered to re-color my hair etc because I don't care if I am attractive to him. We go through this garbage atleast once a year. Then I go get my hair done, go buy make-up and then he yells and screams how he doesn't have time to wait for me to style my hair or put my make-up on. I ruin his whole day with that bullshit because he has to wait on me.
Honestly I don't care. I wish to God he would find a girlfriend and leave me. Let someone else put up with his crap.

I am happiest when he is at work-like right now. So I am doing all I can to get myself together so I can get out of this relationship. I am working on getting a work from home job. Hopefully I can squirrel some money away. Between that and the nursing program I will be able to support myself and get away from him.

One of the hardest things I do each and everyday is lay down beside a man at night that I feel nothing but animosity towards. Saying " I love you too.." and knowing all the while you are lying. I do what I must to survive for the time being. I feel like a prostitute. Selling myself for a roof over my head and clothes for my children. I really do hate him...

Sorry for the down beat post. As the title states- Merry Belated X-Mas! You will hear from me again because God knows I can't stop talking.

Tonight I am trading in my keyboard for a pen

I decided today that I needed to get back to writing a short story I was working on last fall. It fell to the wayside when things started getting shitty. I had a short stint a while back when I felt good and I started drawing again. It really did make me feel good. It seems to me I am spending more time bitching and less time living and I need to find a balance.

Anyhow, I leave you with this quote... I believe it is Oscar Wilde...

There are many things that we would throw away if we were not afraid that others might pick them up.

It gave me something to think about.

Because I have gone absolutely mad tonight

Journal Therapy
Poetry Therapy
Art Therapy
The Incarus Project
Real Mental Health

In My Dreams

I said I was done, but I guess I'm not.

I started reading through all the comments that were in queue and I started thinking. Scott had commented on how I should give "L" up because he would never commit to me. Honestly, I gave up on "L" a long time ago. What I cannot give up on is the dream.


Years ago I imagined myself with someone far more like myself. I would love art and theatre and go to poetry readings with me. We would dine alfresco in the backyard with white lights illuminating the trees. We would listen to jazz music and he would take my hand and dance with me. Dancing, dipping and swooning, never for a moment insecure, just intoxicated on life. He would be romantic and thoughtful. He would be selfless in his giving. In all the ways that I am weak, he would make me strong. We would look at each other and see two pieces of a puzzle perfectly matched.

I imagined we would live on something which resembles a mini farm. I would pick apples and he would chase the kids around the yard. They would pick flowers and put them in a vase just in time for dinner.

We would travel the world together, share our awe for life together and there would be nothing in the world I could not share with him. I would never fear being ridiculed, laughed at, devalued in anyway. He would be my best friend.

When I see him in my minds eye he is tall with sandy hair. A bit long on top and messy. He's the kind of guy you always see in loose fitting jeans, a t-shirt and sandals. He is tan with big green eyes and the kindest smile. He is very intelligent but not in the least bit pretentious. I imagine he's an architect. I don't know why, but I find them incredibly sexy.

My disappointment stems from the fact that this is not what I got. Not even remotely close. I met a "yes" man who once married became a "no" man. The kind of fraud that says what he needs to say to always be agreeable. Tells you your dreams are his dreams and continues to do so until it becomes no longer necessary.

Have you ever met a person who lies about their desire to have children and then once married tells their partner they do or suddenly don't want to have children? They think once married they will be able to manipulate their partner to do as they wish? That is my husband. I was involved in theatre, and if you don't know theatre is filled with gay men. My husband-then boyfriend said he had no problem with that. Even went to lunch with my gay friends and I.
Then, once we were living together he declared he hated "fags. He didn't want any fags at his house. He didn't want any fags calling on his phone etc. I could not understand what changed. He socialized with my friends. Hung out and joked with my friends, and now he was telling me he hates all fags. I would continue to talk on the phone to my friends but if he were home he would begin screaming in the background "I told you I don't want any God damn fags calling my house." As you can imagine hearing such comments tend to alienate people. Needless to say, I am no one's hag any longer.

I could tell you 1000's of shitty stories about the rotten things my husband has said and done over the years. Not being able to talk to my theatre friends in a mere drop in the bucket.

Now, I know you are asking why didn't I pack my bags and leave then. Because this relationship is much like any abusive relationship. It is a rollercoaster ride and there is always another honeymoon to be had. When I would tell him I was leaving he would cry, beg and scream. He would threaten to commit suicide. He would promise to change, please give him one more chance. He really is that picnic in the park with gay guys kinda guy. And he would do his damnedest until he was in my good graces and then he would go back to his old self. And for years I struggled trying to figure out who he was. Was he the nice guy or the mean guy? I wanted to believe he was the nice guy. I wanted to believe that I could give him whatever it was he needed to be the person I disillusioned myself into believing he was. I wanted the guy I first met. I know now that guy was nothing but a con, but it took me 14 years to figure it out.

And now I cling to a dream. My nails are dug deep in. I feel like I have lived without love for 14 years. I so desperately want a partner who doesn't leave me feeling alone. Where is he? Does he even exist? I thought "L" was that dream, but as it would turn out he is nothing but another mirage in a wasteland, and I am still crawling on my hands and knees, thirsty as I ever was.

Just a quick note

I just wanted to tell you guys I changed the settings to moderate the comments. I hope this does not offend anyone, but as I was going through the blog the other day I noticed some 15 comments on one entry all with links to a Viagra ad. Also, there's another jackass who keeps putting something to the affect of ..."Interesting blog. Didn't find what I was looking for but if your interested in mystery shopping I can tell you how to make $900 a month." I find that crap so rude I want to lose my mind. If you want to link something about a book, a BP herbal article or anything else concerning BP or other emotional maladies that's fine-something that's beneficial. Someone may say Viagra is beneficial but that's a whole other blog-- and its not my blog.
I am not going to let people shit all over my blog when I want it to be a genuine place for sharing. I hope you understand. I hope I don't come off too nasty, but man it makes me mad:(

Because I can't bring myself to say anything

Fallen by Sarah McLachlan


Heaven Bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I tried my best
But somewhere long the wayI got caught up in all there was to offer
But the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I messed upBetter I should know
So don't come round here and
Tell me I told you so

We all begin out with good intent
When love is raw and young
We believe that we can change ourselves
The past can be undone
But we carry on our back the burdens time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
I've held so dear

Though I've tried
I've fallenI have sunk so low
I messed upBetter I should know
So don't come round here and
Tell me I told you so

Heaven bend to take my hand
I've nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to these I thought were friends
To everyone I knowOh they turn their heads embarrassed
Pretend that they don't see
That it's one wrong step one slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem away to be redeemed

Though I've tried
I've fallenI have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here and
Tell me I told you so

Though I've tried I've fallen
I have sunk so lowI messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here and
Tell me I told you so
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here and
Tell me I told you so

Why can't they make a pill...

I am certain everyone has their own way of dealing with things when they get to be too much. For me it's drinking. I don't consider myself an alcoholic. I do not need to drink on a daily basis. I could go months without. But when the stress level is too great I need to drink. My grandfather was a drinker (the one who shot himself) When that no longer worked he became addicted to pain meds.When the pain meds were not enough he put a gun in his mouth. I tell myself that's not me, but I wonder what lengths I might go to in the future to get the relief I need.

There are some days when the pills work great and some days it seems they do not. But when I put that glass of wine up to my lips it is instant relief. I can feel all the tension in my neck and back melt away. Everything in my mind begins to slow down and I feel so much calmer and laid back. Why can't they make a pill that does that?

My husband will come home tonight and see the glass in the sink. No doubt he will start in on me. I suspect he will see the glass in the sink tomorrow as well and probably several more days, maybe a week or more until things even themselves out. Why should I feel guilty? All this anxiety wears my body down, wears my mind down until I have nothing left for anyone else. I want to help my son with his homework but I can't concentrate.I can't listen to his questions. I can't hear him read. Why should I feel bad because I want to be a good mom, not a bad mom, not a screaming mom.

I'm sure some asshole somewhere would say a good mom wouldn't be drinking. Then tell me how to deal with all of the noise in my head, the noise of the TV, the noise of my children...all of the noise pollution is like chinese water torture. This glass in my hand turns the volume down. What else am I to do? Why can't they just make a pill...

I can spell

I can spell. You may not believe that, but it's true. I have been reading some of my posts and the errors are rather evident. Unfortunately, I never catch them until after the fact.

But I needed you to know...I can spell.

Where is Scott? It doesn't appear as though he has been to the blog lately, and that has me concerned. Scott, if you are out and about please leave a comment so I know you are alive and well.

I really don't know what to say today. I have been struck with a very uncomfortable feeling. The longer I blog the more people seem to be reading the blog. There is part of me that feels like an exhibitionist. I wonder how I am coming off? I wonder if I sound like a spineless, pitiful glob of goo who spends her days crying on the floor.

But I sit here and type because I feel like I have no where else to go. I do not have open conversations about my BP with anyone. My husband does not accept my BP, though he is happy to use it in the event it will embarrass me. My sister ask's things like, "Are you sure it's not a food allergy or something?" My friends question the diagnosis- "everyone had mood swings". On the few occassions I have tried to tell someone how horrible I feel, it becomes very apparent that it is a conversation that they do not want to engage in because it makes them uncomfortable. So I come to the internet looking for understanding and community. And there is a community and there is support. But for all those people who come here by chance - when those stupid internet spiders don't do their job, I feel like I am 5 minutes of freak show to them.

I starting to wonder if I should not be doing something else to help myself. I should be writing or drawing or doing something... because I am starting to feel like an asshole who spends too much time on the internet complaining.

Feeling Like Crap

I feel like crap. I mean I really feel like crap. I am so tired of feeling this way. I wish I had just one person in my life who was always there saying go girl go! But that never seems to be the case. My friends are a strange brew and of them, I can say I have only one who has always been there for me but she and I are no longer close. She moved to Arizona several years ago and we only speak intermittently now.

I called the person I consider to be my best friend and told her I was thinking about going to nursing school. She and I had this same discussion over 4 years ago when we were both losing our jobs. It seemed like a good idea at the time because we had been told that the state would pay for our schooling through a displaced worker program. At that time she invited me over for dinner and told me she thought it was one of the more ignorant ideas I had, had in a long time. She had never known me to have an interest in nursing. She could not imagine me being a nurse blah blah blah. And she was right but sometimes in life we opt to do things because we need to take care of our family. Being in telecommunications I saw many lay-offs, many acquisitions, bankruptcies etc. And thousands of people would lose there jobs. Then thousands of people are all shoved into the market place at once competing for the same jobs.

Many of my friends who worked at other companies would lose their job with one, go to the next only to lose a second job within a matter of months. They pick up their families and move to work for new companies only to find out three months later their employer is going under. What this taught me is that I needed stability in my life. I need skill sets that would be an asset today, tomorrow and 20 years down the road because I have a family to think of. I left her house annoyed yet undaunted and I made an appointment to talk to someone about applying for grant $$ for displaced workers. The meeting was uneventful. They told me they would train me to be either a nurse or a truck driver because these are 2 of the most in demand careers. BUT it was the end of their fiscal year and they had no more money left in their budget. So, they told me to try back in a few months. And I did. Low and behold they still had no money, so I began to check into other programs all of which had 2-3 year waiting lists. And finally I said screw this.

Last year my girlfriend called me up with very mixed tones. She had this great idea that I should be in a nursing program because some of the teachers at her school were entering a program and they all stood to make decent money when they were done. I reminded her we had this conversation before and she said it was a dumb thing for me to do, but she told me she thought differently now and I should check into it.

Two nights ago I called her and told her I was seriously considering a nursing program once more. Once again she has had a change of heart and in gentle words told me that nursing requires a lot of math, chemistry and biology, none of which she feels I am up to. In her own special way she was calling me dumb.

What I wanted to hear from her is "...If that's what you want to do go for it! You're smart enough to do whatever you put your mind to." Sometimes she is the greatest friend I ever had, and sometimes she's just a bitch. Sometimes she tells me I need to get out of this house for my sake and the sake of my children and sometimes she says shit like "you made your bed now I guess you have to lie in it."

I think she is disappointed in me because I did not leave my husband 4 years ago when I found out he was having an affair. I think everyone was disappointed in me. Everyone acts as though life is so simple, so black and white. And truly it is not. We just bought a house. I just bought thousands of dollars of furniture to fill the house. My husband had horrible credit so nearly everything was in my name. The cars, the furniture, the credit cards. I had no job. No where to go. I was depressed, disoriented I felt that I could not sink any lower and I was absolutely paralyzed with fear do you go when you have no money, no job and you carry all the debt? I felt so low all I could think about was killing myself because I did not know how else I would ever get out of this mess. How much can a person shoulder?

I would go to my girlfriend's house often, and her mother who is from the "old country" would tell me how I had to fix the marriage for the sake of the children. The children needed both parents. I would try to explain to her that my husband is a dick. A TOTAL DICK. And she would tell me to pray to God so that God may change him. And I did pray to GOD but interestingly enough he is still a dick.

So here I am years later trying to get out of the same mess. It seems to me the only good ideas are the ones she comes up with because no matter what I do she questions me as to whether or not that is a good decision. She comes up with insane ideas that include me driving two hours to work and two hours back because she knows somebody who knows somebody who can get me a job somewhere in the outskirts of hell. And when I explain that I would have to get up at 4 in the morning and take my children somewhere so someone could take care of them and get them off to school she seems undaunted.

My husband on the other hand is screaming at me to get a job, get a job, get a job. But when I am on the computer applying he tells me now is not the time and wait for the kids to go to bed. And when the kids go to bed he complains that he has not seen me all day and now is not the time for me to be on the computer. And when I ask when is a good time he tells me sometime when I am not screwing over the kids or him with my bullshit.

On top of all this my house is crumbling around me which makes me even sadder. We bought a house that is well over a 100 yrs old with the idea of renovating it. When we bought it our combined incomes were around 100k. Since I have not had a steady honest job in a long time things keep breaking. The roof needs replaced. The furnace needs replaced. The fence needs replaced. My toilet started leaking into my dining room yesterday afternoon. I thought I would be fixing these things over the summer with the money we anticipating getting but it never came and the house keeps crumbling.

So I sit and watch me all my dreams , desires and ambitions burn before my eyes. I pray and pray and pray. I know God works in God's time but if he doesn't get to it soon there will be nothing left. The meds work okay when I feel like shit for no good reason at all but they do very little for me when my husband is screaming at me, calling me names and shingles are blowing around in my front yard.

I know if something doesn't happen and happen soon I am going to start drinking because there is only so much I can handle. I don't want to be a bad mom. I don't want to be a bad person. But I have been stuck in this room for such a long time. The doors are all locked and the windows are all shut. I see outside but it appears as though the rest of the world is mocking me. They're so happy. So content. Everything goes their way and all I want is a sliver of what they have.


My Ramblings...
Never is there a time when I am left alone. Always with me little feet and prying eyes. What are you doing Mommy? Why are you doing that Mommy? Never is there a quiet moment when I left alone drifting in the darkness atop soft firm waves. Moonlight night. Serendipitous silence to soothe the storm inside my soul. Just a peaceful moment one filled with reflection so that I might find the strength to be the Mother I ought to be. But in the pandemonium and the chaos my resolve is weak. My voice is loud and filled with anger. My rage so common it now goes unnoticed. Skin crawls, chest tightens, anxiety ridden. Have to get it out, throw it up, write it down. My heart is in my mind pounding, pounding, pounding. Like a jet plane. A freight train barreling down the line. In collusion for a collision. All these forces in me, fighting for a piece of me and all they ever wanted was harmony. Even now the voice inside my head is drowned out by the four year old who stands beside me.

That jackass

I have been thinking about "L" a lot today. I suppose I think of him more when my husband and I are fighting. It has been three months since he e-mailed me. I won't lie, I keep checking my box. I think maybe he will e-mail me at x-mas or perhaps my birthday. For whatever reason I need a big build up so I can unleash my fury on him. I suppose I could have done that 3 months ago but I wanted him to beg and plead only to have me open the flood gates of hostility.

I remember what would have been 5 years ago now when I thought we had some kind of future. When he kept asking me how we were going to make it work. We decided I should probably move to FL because the economy isn't so great in OH. He talked about moving the kids and I. Then one day out of nowhere he called and told me he and his wife were buying a house together. Why in the world would you buy a house with a woman you claim not to love anymore??How can you talk to me about leaving my husband and all the while you are out house hunting? When I confronted him he told me I took things out of context. If you ask someone to move out of state to be with you, I'm uncertain how the hell else you would take it?When you tell someone you don't love your wife anymore and you are all that they think about-I'm not sure how else you take it. When you say shit like you imagine the rest of your days walking on the beach together...I'm not sure how the hell else you take it.

Now he's in the house and tells me how great things are going with he and his wife. He thinks that their condo was too small and that's what was causing all of their discord. 6 months into the new house he's feeling the same dissatisfied feelings again. His wife is going away to visit relatives and he wants me to come and see him. He also wants me to stay in his house. I told him absolutely not. My behavior is bad enough without entertaining the idea of sleeping in another woman's bed.

His wife is unhappy she senses something is going on. She tells him if things don't change she will divorce him. He continues to tell me how unhappy he is and then he calls and tells me they are having another baby. It's not a accident. In fact, they had been planning to have this baby. His wife, the one that is going to divorce him, he, so unhappy, they have been planning on having this baby. And like a fool I sit in shock, utterly dismayed.

We talk regularly for 5 years but now the conversations change. It's no longer hugs and kisses and I am all he thinks about. Instead he drains me dry. He's not happy with his wife. He's disconnected with his children. He is making good money, but he's never making enough money. He loves to call and tell me about all the things he's bought. Vacation homes, multiple cars and a bunch of other crap. But you know what? He's just not happy. And he is always looking to me to give him the answers.

When my life hits rock bottom and I am as low as I can be, I go to him for support. The same kind I have been giving him for years. And guess what? He's busy. He's got a business meeting. His kids are sick. No time to answer e-mails. No time to call. And all my communication goes ignored, until a year later when he comes whoring around.

I want to tell him what I piece of shit he is, but to send an unsolicited e-mail just let's him know I'm still thinking about him. And I just refuse to give him that. I hate that jackass.

The gregarious / anti-social predicament

I am writing this post in regards to Scott's last comment about having a difficult time functioning. I completely appreciate where you are coming from.

There are days that I would do anything not to leave my house. I do not want to see people. I do not want to exchange pleasantries so much as take a shower and comb my hair. The mere idea of leaving the house to be confronted with crowds, knowing you must successfully navigate through them and complete a task is overwhelming. What makes it worse is taking a moment to contemplate your fear and knowing that it is down right ridiculous. Unfortunately, knowing you are foolish does little if anything to alleviate your beating heart and sweating palms.

When I do go to the store I am barraged with things that should not matter, should not even cross my mind but they do. They are invalidated fears that turn to out right paranoia. I am walking down the isles wondering who is staring at me and what do they think of me. Do they think I'm fat? Do they think I'm ugly? When I walk past are the whispering about me? Do they comment about my unkempt appearance? Do they think I am poor? Do they know my husband is an asshole and look upon me as a pitiful fool? Is there something in my manner that tells them something is wrong with me? Can they tell just by looking?

I want to get in and out as quickly as possible, but I am constantly side tracked. I wonder about in a very disorganized fashion. I mark things off the list I have yet to get. I buy things I do not need. I worry about all the other things I have to do. I want to leave but I don't want to go home, because when I get there it will become apparent that I failed miserably and chances are I will have to go to the store once more, maybe even 2 times more that same day.

I often dreaded going out socially because at some point in time the ground work has been laid that I am the "good time girl" And if you are going out with me you can expect a wild time. Because there is very little I won't say or do. But in this moment I am not that person and it seems as though the expectations of the evening ride on my shoulders- as if these people can not find fun on their own. And they let you know how dreadfully disappointed they are in you because they were afterall expecting a show. I find myself becoming agitated and resentful. It is not my job to make them laugh, make them happy, make them feel like they have had the best time they've had in a long time. They think to much of themselves to take the risks I take, the ones they get so much pleasure from. I am not saying I'm fantastic, but I am saying that they need me or want me to be their train wreck.

I have enrolled my children in various activities because for no other reason to force myself to leave the house. Of course I am not making them do things they do not want to do. But I encourage them to do anything and everything they have an interest in because otherwise I would sit on the couch, wrapped up in a ball stairing at the ceiling. When you start to take that slide it is so hard to stop. In so many ways you feel like you are dying inside but your cruel body just keeps breathing.

I do believe in prayer, but I also believe that God helps those who help themselves. God will support you. He will walk with you every step of the way. But don't you dare forget who you are. Bipolar people are highly intelligent, intuitive and creative people. And even when you feel so horribly weak, you have to know you are strong. I believe this because everyday I feel that unbareable weight on my back, I feel my heavy heart, I feel my spirit being crushed but I wake up to I see another day. How would you carry all that you carry, and continue to live every single day, if it weren't for the fact you are remarkably strong. Don't forget who you are. Your shoulders are bigger than most.

Trying to hold on to a feeling

I am trying to hold onto that good feeling. The one I had when I left the church. It is difficult when life keeps coming at you. This is going to be probably one of my shortest posts. I am back at it, applying for jobs, brainstorming, trying to take back my life. So please pray for me.

I just wanted to tell everyone who comes to this site how grateful that I am that you are here. I am grateful for your comments and your support. This blog has given me a purpose. As silly as it seems its gives me a reason for being. When you're down it is so easy to do nothing at all. But having this blog makes me feel like I MUST do something. People are looking to hear from me and I am looking to hear from them. This is the support I have so desperately needed for such a long time. From people who honestly know what it is I go through, who understand me the way most of the world does not. When you go to the shrink he shares the textbook version of your sadness but his own experience prevents him from feeling your pain right down to the bone. So it is with great comfort that I know when I say what I say you know what I mean and more importantly you feel what I mean.

I will be here tomorrow, but until then I leave you with something I listen to, to keep my head above water http://www.jarsofclay.com/

Just a poem

Just something I wrote some time ago...

My House

Does Pandemonium look like my house
144 years of laughter and tears
Tucked away under clapboard and brick
Picket fence that keeps us in
Picket fence that keeps little out

Does Pandemonium boast english boxwoods
Nestled deep in rows of geranium
Pineapple perched upon threshold “Welcome weary traveler, rest your tired feet, you are home”
When a door closes
A window of opportunity... stays shut

Does Pandemonium admonish or admire
What we bring to the inside
Are gentle words spoken in soft tones possible here?
Where salty tears wash clean the sour of regret
And the eerie sound of men crying
Is like Gabriel’s trumpet to my ears

Elbow deep in dirty dishes and laundry up to my knees
Babies crying louder than lapping flames
All you bring home is everything I wish you would leave behind

Under plaster
Under paint
Under the roof that feels like it is falling in over my head
I crawl into bed
Turn the lights off I hope you are beside me
I hope you whisper in my ear It feels like heaven here

God does work in mysterious ways

I know what your thinking. Something miraculous happened yesterday, and I now have a job. Nope.

Yesterday I went to an event at my mother's church. She lives several hours away so it gave me plenty of time to think. I didn't really want to go. I had hoped I could spend the night at my mom's house but my husband had to go to court this morning and he could not take anyone to school. So I had another lengthy drive to look forward to and I would not be returning home until 1am. I hate driving late at night when you are very, very, very tired, because as far as I am concerned it is the same as driving drunk.

So with many hours to kill I sat in the car and stewed. As I stew I find myself becoming more and more vengeful. My husband and I have been going through a lawsuit- which is a whole other can of worms. I don't want to get into the details but someone did something rather malicious to us and it costs us a great deal of money. When we first spoke with our attorney he acted like this situation was a no brainer and he would have our money back in a matter of a few months. But a few months has turned into well over a year and other areas of our life have suffered because of it. I resent this person who did this to us. I know I should forgive but I think I would have an easier time doing so if I weren't still suffering because of it. So as I sit in the car I am thinking about all of the horrible things I can do to this person. Things I could do to ruin their life. Things that while not unlegal could cause them public humiliation, perhaps cause them to lose their spouse, lose their job and so on. And I am thinking all of these things as a drive to a church function.

Then I start to make connections which may or may not exist. I think to myself if I did not have all of this garbage to contend with I might have a clearer head and a better spirit. If I had a cleared head and a better spirit I might have left my husband 6 months ago. So I attribute this mess to my inability to leave and this makes me hate this person even more. The fact of the matter is I might have left and I might not have left. I might have found a job and I might not have found a job. But being left to my own delusions over a three hour period, I draw many conclusions whether they be right wrong or indifferent. I finally arrive very pissed off.

I am pissed off at this person. I am pissed off at God. I am pissed off at myself because I start to wonder if I am psychotic. Months into the mess, we met with our attorney and during the meeting I had the strangest sensation. Up to this point I was preoccupied with this situation. I was so worried about getting the money back I could barely think of anything else. And then I had this strange feeling of comfort and calm and when we left I told my husband I was not going to worry about it anymore because I knew God was going to take care of it. I believed it with all my heart because it was as though someone had taken all that weight off my shoulders and I knew it need not cross my mind again. But months continued to pass and there was and is no resolution in site, and so I begin to doubt the feeling. I wonder if I imagined it or perhaps I am suffering from delusions or hallucinations or whatever a poor fool like myself may suffer from.

Then last night church which was hosting a Christmas program called "The Promise", A woman came out on stage and said she had been organizing the event for 17 years, and this year was particularly important to her. She had been suffering from cancer and when she finally thought she had beat it, it came back again. She said she prayed and told God she could not endure the disease nor the treatment again. It had taken to much from her both mentally, physically and spiritually. She said God spoke to her and promised her that through all her trials she would never be alone, and that he would walk with her through her journey, every step of the way. She said she was now recovering and doing much better and that God had kept his promise.

In front of each chair was a small brown box containing a pin in it which had the word "promise" on it. And beside it was a small scroll with scripture. Each person received a different verse. Mine read:

I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back...For I know the plans I have for you...Plans to give you hope and future. - Jeremiah 29:11

It seemed to me in that moment I was meant to be there last night. I was meant to hear that message. The message is not about a lawsuit but of my overall well being- atleast that is what it meant to me. So then and there I knew I had to give back my life to God and stop trying to figure out how I was going to settle scores because in the end he will lead me to my chosen path.

I left the church feeling great relieved. I just wanted to share the experience with you because it meant so much to me.

The advice you don't want to hear

Before I say anything I want you to know this is not directed towards anyone who has left any comments on this board(especially pertaining to may last post). It just so happens I had a conversation with a girlfriend of mine which left a very sour taste in my mouth.

I went grocery shopping at 9:30 last night. I often go at this hour because the kids are in bed. My husband can not bring himself to watch the children so that I may go at a decent hour. So it is always at these times I make phone calls to either one of my friends, my mother or one of my sisters because I otherwise can not speak in private. Yesterday, prior to leaving for the store my girlfriend called. I answered the phone only to have my husband walk up behind me and say " who the fuck is that on the phone?" I spoke with her briefly and told her I would call her back later. I find this behavior horribly embarrassing because he does this no matter who is calling on the phone and it leaves both I and the othe party very embarrassed.

When I finally left to go shopping I told her that I am very fed up with my husband. That I know he will never change and I need to figure out a way out. She has heard this many times before and I am sure she is sick of hearing it. I have never changed my mind but after months of giving it my best effort nothing ever happens and I resign myself to staying in this relationship. My biggest issue is not having a job. I have looked for jobs off and on but I am never offered anything that will net me enough to cover the cost of daycare and afterschool programs and I think why the hell do I want to spend 40-50 hours out of my home only to pay for gas and a babysitter. The point of getting a job is to slowly put money aside in an account so I can back my bags and leave. The last short effort I made at a job netted not a dime. I drove an hour and 15 minutes one way when gas was nearly $3.00 a gallon. Though my husband constantly remarks about the fact that I do not have a job, he will not watch the children. So if I pay for someone else to watch the children then he complains that I am causing more wear and tear on the car and making no money to speak of. It isn't that he merely complains. He screams and yells about how I am screwing him over and that I am making no money and the job is just a way for me to socialize with a bunch of morons on my husbands dime and time. I guess what I am trying to say is any which way you cut it I lose.

Years ago I made over 20+ dollars an hour but since then I can not find anything remotely close. Higher paying jobs are all found in larger cities and some require sacrifices I can not make. For instances I can not work 1st shift one week and third shift the next week and so on and so forth. I do not have anyone who will watch my children third shift.

So back on track. My girlfriend has a business which is over an hour away from my home. I have worked for her in the past and 2 years ago she offered me a job as a director. I did not accept the job because as a director I would need to be at the business by 6 am and stay until 6pm each day. I can not work those kinds of hours because I have children in school. Even if I took them to a before school program, the program opens at 6am and I need to leave the house before 5. When school was out I could have them in an afterschool program, but after school programs close at 6. I would be getting off work at 6 and I have a 56 mile drive which depending on traffic could be an hour or an hour and 20 minutes. If your an hour and twenty minutes late picking your kids up each day you can expect someone to call children services. I have no family in this town. My mother is 3 hours away and my sister is 2 hours away. So they can not help. We do not have any contact with my husbands family and even so they are all over an hour away. Even my friends live elsewhere

I am so winded today and I am sorry but I am so irritated and upset. Anyhow I said to her if anything ever comes up and the director's position is available please let me know. I was hoping if I could work something out with her where she would let me atleast leave earlier maybe I could do it. This caused a rather snide and haughty reaction from her in which she told me I have not had a real job in 4 years and there is no excuse for it. She also said I had been present numerous opportunities all of which I failed to accept. I asked her what in the world she is talking about. Well so and so offered me a job and I didn't take it. A friend of my girlfriend interviewed me for a job. I was told I would work 2 morning shifts, 3 evening shifts (until 11pm). 1st -as always I have no one to watch my children until 11pm. Nor do I want to pick my kids up from someone house at 11pm and drive them home when they have school in the morning. The place I would be working at is 45 minutes away from my home so you can expect by the I pick up the kids and drive we would be home by midnight. 2nd I was in the middle of a school quarter and I would have to drop out. 3rd She told me it was a temp position which may or may not last for a year.

The second opportunity was with yet another friend of hers. I asked what company would I be applying with she told me she did not know the name of it. I asked her what I would be doing and she said she did not know but she was sure whatever it was I could do it because I am so smart I can doing anything. I asked repeatedly before going to the interview but she kept saying she didn't know and it was no big deal just go. So I get to the interview and the woman asks me what I know about the company. Ummm nothing. What did I know about the position? Ummm nothing? I wanted to crawl under the table and die. Obviously I did not get the job.

Since then I have applied for jobs only to find out they do not cover the cost of going to work. Or the require something insane like going to Michigan or California for training for 6 weeks. I try for so long and then I give up because it seems like nothing will ever be a match.

My girlfriend then tells me I should either go live in a homeless shelter to get away from my husband or I should go live with my parents. My parents recently sold there house and are living in a 2 bedroom condo. My youngest sister who returned from school is living with them. I say there is nowhere for myself and my children to stay in that condo. Her reply is immigrant families do it all the time. Yes I suppose they do....

The reason I have no use for her advice is because she is
1. Single
2. Childless
3. Has her own business from an inheritance
4. Is currently building 4300 sq ft house which costs 500k
5. It is nothing for her to go shopping and spend 2-3 k in a weekend on clothing for her nieces.
6. She has a place in Cabo she goes to and takes her whole family every year at x-mas


Now why do I bring these things up? I don't expect her to give me a million dollars and set me free. I don't even expect 5 bucks. But if you are advising someone to do something that you yourself would never do then I expect you to just shut up and keep your advise to yourself. I once bought some clothes at a thrift store and she was appalled by how gross I am to wear someone else's clothing, yet she would not hesitate to tell you to take your kids and live out of your car. So for someone who only accepts the best of everything I am enraged when she suggests that I can move into my parents and live "like immigrants". She would never live like an immigrant. Anywhere she has ever lived she makes sure there are two full bathrooms because she refuses to share a bathroom with guests. But if its my family we can live in a garden shed and piss in a coffee can and if I am unwilling to take such measures I deserve everything I get.

She tells me I am looking for the perfect job. One where they offer me 60 k a year and that isn't going to happen. So I need to start at the bottom and work my way up. I don't have a problem with that but when you have kids it costs you money just to go to work. And if going to work costs more money than I make, I fail to see the benefit. If every week you find you spent 30 bucks more in gas to get there than what you made after other expenses, why are you going? I know it can grow into something more. I also know it could go no where. And while its costing me money to spend 50 hours a week out of my house my kinds are missing out on swim lessons, art class karate etc because mom isn't home to take them.

I don't have any answers. Life is tough but it isn't as easy as getting a job. For instance my sister has three kids none of which are school age. Daycare is 110.00 a week. That's 330.00 every week plus gas you have to buy just to go to work. So she needs to clear 380-400 after taxes just to pay for the privilege of employment. If she got a 10-12 dollar an hour job it would not be enough after taxes to pay for her to go to work. So getting a job -any job does not solve anyones problems.

So I am sitting here fretting about how I am going to ever get out of this mess. I know someone somewhere will say you need to get out of that environment and you need to get your children out of that environment. I don't discount that. It boils down to what kind of trade offs you are willing to make in this life. I do think it is damaging for my children to hear how my husband talks or how selfishly he acts. But on the other hand, I had an old co-worker how decided leaving would be best. She moved into a shanty of a house in a bad neighborhood because it was all she could afford- but it was better than dealing with her husband. Now she lives amongst drug dealers. She and her children lay in bed and listen to gun fire and she was unfortunate to be robbed at gun point on her very own porch after coming home from the grocery store. I am unwilling to trade fear for more fear or pain for more pain just to make a stand. So I sit here trying to figure out how to get my ducks in a row .

What is most painful is that I have many friends who I have gone to and have asked them to help me find a job- networking. All of whom acted shocked and embarassed that I have asked them to ask around. There have been many times when these very same people were down and out and needed a job and guess who got one for them? One girlfriend was 7 month pregnant and out of work. I got her a job, with insurance, paid maternity leave etc. She worked all of 6 weeks left ot have the baby. Didn't pay a dime for medical expenses and sat at home for another 6 weeks paid while she recovered. Her husband now owns a business. If you asked her now if she knew anyone who was hiring she says stuff like her husband would think it was weird to ask around. Her father has a business as well. He is a distributor and has more contacts in more areas than I can contact. I have known her for 26 years and when I ask her to ask her father if he knows anyone who is hiring or if he would be wiling to give me a reference she tells me her father would find it strange. He deals in sales and I am not really sales person so he would not be comfortable with that. Well there was nothing strange about me trying to keep his pregnant daughter from being homeless but I guess I'll remember the score next time it comes up.

I could go on complaing for hours because its just the kind of mood I am in. I have to get it out here rather than spending the whole say being short with my children.

Anyone have any work at home suggestions? Real ones which don't involve $250.00 and three DVD's that unleash the secrets of today's millionaires? I'm all ears. Because there is nothing I would love more than the next time I tell my husband I want to leave and he says - as he always does-"go ahead and don't let the door hit you in the ass. Oh, and leave your purse and cell phone here. All the money in it is mine the cell phone is mine. Leave the car keys here as well those belong to me. You better start walking to a pay phone and see if someone will pick your ass up." Then I can finally reply, " keep all of your shit. I am going over to the bank to withdraw the 40k I have been secretly stashing away. I am going to go get my own place kiss my ass!"

Tough Day at the Office

I don't really have an office. Just a house. But it was a tough day all the same. My husband is getting on my last nerve. I don't know why I bother to say it because he is always on my nerves. We went out to lunch today and I asked if he could let me run into Walmart because I was just about out of pull-ups. I have to add that Walmart shared the same parking lot of the restaurant we were eating at so it was really no skin off his back to let me run in. Upon asking he became furious. He told me he could not believe I would even ask. Afterall, he did have to go to work today and wasn't good enough that he took me to lunch? He then went on to say that I so lazy that it sickens him and that the only reason I asked him to let me go is because I refuse to take the kids in with me.

Well part of that is correct. I am not lazy but I do hate to take the kids shopping. Specifically I hate to take my daughter anywhere. I can not so much run in and buy a pack of gum without her causing a scene. She screams and yells, runs up and down isles. She tries to bite me while I hold her hand. When I have her with me I can not make it through the store without breaking into a sweat. My husband is well aware of this behavior and tells me I am the problem because she never acts like that with him. The error in this statement lies in the fact that my husband never takes my daughter shopping. He never takes the kids anywhere. He does not take them to school nor does he pick them up. He doesn't take them to soccer, karate, art, dance etc. I do. He has plenty of criticism for me and is happy to tell me how he handles things in his fairytale world. When I say NEVER I mean NEVER. For example he says I am always running late when I pick up my son from school. He never picks him up late. That's because he never picks him up period. NOT ONCE THIS WHOLE YEAR HAS HE PICKED UP OUR SON.

Having these conversations is like having a conversation with a mad man. Several weeks ago I asked him to take time off to watch the kids so I could go with my sister and my mother to a church function. He agreed but did so begrudgingly. Today he made a point of telling me that I should not even think about getting use to him taking time off for me. He use to take time off so I could do things and I took advantage of him. Hmmm...in the last 12 months I went out to lunch once with my girlfriend. He called me 15 times asking when I would be home because the children were driving him crazy. Prior to that I went shopping with my girlfriend on two separate occassions and that was in 2005. On one occassion my mother came to watch the children so I could go. The best part is that my husband was at home watching TV in his reclining chair. My mom drove three hours to watch the kids while he sat and watched tv.

In front of friends and family he makes a point to tell everyone I am allowed to do anything I want and all I have to do is tell him in advance and he will watch the kids. In so many words he basically says that the reason I am so unsocial is strictly my lack of desire to go out and it has nothing to do with him. I can not count the number of times he has promised to watch the children only to back out on me at the last minute causing me to cancel plans. He tells me he didn't really expect me to pull this bullshit and go out . I mean he works 50 hours a week. The kids are my job. Why does he have to do my job?

So back to Walmart. As we drive and we are close to the house he tells me he will go ahead and take me back to walmart. Just as we passed our house he goes to turn down the side road that leads to our driveway and says, "ya know what, I'm not takin' you. I'm tired of you being such a bitch. You can go later tonight with the kids."

It's this jekyl and hyde crap that drives me nuts. He loves to tell you what he would have done for you but you did something to upset him. Its nothing for me to get absolutely nothing for my birthday and have him tell me he was going to get me a tennis bracelet but I am such a bitch I'm not getting one now. And he will argue that all of his good intentions- the ones that never come to fruitition are what make him such a great guy. Because if I would only behave myself a world of infinite luxury would be mine.

What is it that I do that is such horrible bitchy behavior? Well for instance, today, before we left the house I took my shower. While I was in the shower my daughter came upstairs and got into a bottle of lotion. She poured it all over the carpet. She smeared it on the walls. It was all over the foot board, the sheets and the comforter, as well as her hair. My husband was of course in his reclining chair. When I came downstairs I asked him was it too much to ask that he keep an eye on her while I showered. This lead to him calling me a bitch and saying that I need to take responsibilty for her and if she is roaming around upstairs while I shower I should be the one checking on her. As if I am going to jump out of the shower every two minutes to see what she's up to. And because I suggested that he should be watching her he was so angry that he said he would not do anything with us the rest fo the day. Of course he did but he was a total dick until he went to work.

You make think these are small petty arguements but nothing comes out of his mouth that doesn't have 4-5 cuss words attached. When I got out of the car today I tripped. He told me he was going to have to quit his job because I am such a "fucking mental midget" he can not trust me to take care of the kids when I can not make it down the sidewalk without tripping. I tripped over a piece plywood covering electrical wires. Should I be verbally flogged for that? Does tripping over plywood make me an unfit mother. I can not tell you the number of times I have been publicly humiliated. Everytime we leave the house he says something in front of other people about how dumb I am, how slow I am (I can never get the kids out of the car fast enough for his tastes), what I horrible mother I am. He is always very loud and calculating because he wouldn't waste his time and energy unless he had an audience.

I have to get going. I am so pissed off I want to scream but he is on his way home. Lord knows the verbal abuse I would get if he ever saw this blog...until Monday take care.