In My Dreams

I said I was done, but I guess I'm not.

I started reading through all the comments that were in queue and I started thinking. Scott had commented on how I should give "L" up because he would never commit to me. Honestly, I gave up on "L" a long time ago. What I cannot give up on is the dream.


Years ago I imagined myself with someone far more like myself. I would love art and theatre and go to poetry readings with me. We would dine alfresco in the backyard with white lights illuminating the trees. We would listen to jazz music and he would take my hand and dance with me. Dancing, dipping and swooning, never for a moment insecure, just intoxicated on life. He would be romantic and thoughtful. He would be selfless in his giving. In all the ways that I am weak, he would make me strong. We would look at each other and see two pieces of a puzzle perfectly matched.

I imagined we would live on something which resembles a mini farm. I would pick apples and he would chase the kids around the yard. They would pick flowers and put them in a vase just in time for dinner.

We would travel the world together, share our awe for life together and there would be nothing in the world I could not share with him. I would never fear being ridiculed, laughed at, devalued in anyway. He would be my best friend.

When I see him in my minds eye he is tall with sandy hair. A bit long on top and messy. He's the kind of guy you always see in loose fitting jeans, a t-shirt and sandals. He is tan with big green eyes and the kindest smile. He is very intelligent but not in the least bit pretentious. I imagine he's an architect. I don't know why, but I find them incredibly sexy.

My disappointment stems from the fact that this is not what I got. Not even remotely close. I met a "yes" man who once married became a "no" man. The kind of fraud that says what he needs to say to always be agreeable. Tells you your dreams are his dreams and continues to do so until it becomes no longer necessary.

Have you ever met a person who lies about their desire to have children and then once married tells their partner they do or suddenly don't want to have children? They think once married they will be able to manipulate their partner to do as they wish? That is my husband. I was involved in theatre, and if you don't know theatre is filled with gay men. My husband-then boyfriend said he had no problem with that. Even went to lunch with my gay friends and I.
Then, once we were living together he declared he hated "fags. He didn't want any fags at his house. He didn't want any fags calling on his phone etc. I could not understand what changed. He socialized with my friends. Hung out and joked with my friends, and now he was telling me he hates all fags. I would continue to talk on the phone to my friends but if he were home he would begin screaming in the background "I told you I don't want any God damn fags calling my house." As you can imagine hearing such comments tend to alienate people. Needless to say, I am no one's hag any longer.

I could tell you 1000's of shitty stories about the rotten things my husband has said and done over the years. Not being able to talk to my theatre friends in a mere drop in the bucket.

Now, I know you are asking why didn't I pack my bags and leave then. Because this relationship is much like any abusive relationship. It is a rollercoaster ride and there is always another honeymoon to be had. When I would tell him I was leaving he would cry, beg and scream. He would threaten to commit suicide. He would promise to change, please give him one more chance. He really is that picnic in the park with gay guys kinda guy. And he would do his damnedest until he was in my good graces and then he would go back to his old self. And for years I struggled trying to figure out who he was. Was he the nice guy or the mean guy? I wanted to believe he was the nice guy. I wanted to believe that I could give him whatever it was he needed to be the person I disillusioned myself into believing he was. I wanted the guy I first met. I know now that guy was nothing but a con, but it took me 14 years to figure it out.

And now I cling to a dream. My nails are dug deep in. I feel like I have lived without love for 14 years. I so desperately want a partner who doesn't leave me feeling alone. Where is he? Does he even exist? I thought "L" was that dream, but as it would turn out he is nothing but another mirage in a wasteland, and I am still crawling on my hands and knees, thirsty as I ever was.