Trying to hold on to a feeling
I am trying to hold onto that good feeling. The one I had when I left the church. It is difficult when life keeps coming at you. This is going to be probably one of my shortest posts. I am back at it, applying for jobs, brainstorming, trying to take back my life. So please pray for me.
I just wanted to tell everyone who comes to this site how grateful that I am that you are here. I am grateful for your comments and your support. This blog has given me a purpose. As silly as it seems its gives me a reason for being. When you're down it is so easy to do nothing at all. But having this blog makes me feel like I MUST do something. People are looking to hear from me and I am looking to hear from them. This is the support I have so desperately needed for such a long time. From people who honestly know what it is I go through, who understand me the way most of the world does not. When you go to the shrink he shares the textbook version of your sadness but his own experience prevents him from feeling your pain right down to the bone. So it is with great comfort that I know when I say what I say you know what I mean and more importantly you feel what I mean.
I will be here tomorrow, but until then I leave you with something I listen to, to keep my head above water http://www.jarsofclay.com/
posted by BiPolarGirl @ 12/07/2006 04:53:00 PM
3 Comments:
I pray you keep that good feeling today regardless of what comes at you. Good for you on the job hunt - everything will work out - you just have to believe and have patience.
Hey BP Girl
Thanks for sharing. I include you in my prayers everyday along with my family and friends, that makes you special in my heart. I feel a bond has developed in a brief time through this blog and I hope that does not make you uncomfortable. I believe God led me to your blog for a purpose, and know that I get much encouragement from reading your blog.
This week has been tough, I wore myself out emotionally through helping our young single mother, encouraging my bipolar neighbour, my brother is also struggling with marital problems. On Mon nite I just hit a wall and a low I have not felt for some time. I was very discouraging. I suffered 3 days where I could barely get dressed. Last week my wife and I were invited to a church dinner theatre. By the time wednesday rolled around I was hitting rock bottom. My wife left me a list of grocerey items to pick up for dinner. The list in its entirety...2 chicken breasts, 1 bnch bannanas, 6 yellow apples. All day I knew I had to get this stuff yet it was simply overwhelming to face. In the end I didn't make it. When I picked my wife up from work she was stunned. I told her I did not feel like going. In the past this would have lead to a bitter fight but since we have had couples counselling and she has sat in on some of my sessions with my shrink she took charge. She told me she would go and that I would just stat home and rest. It was a huge weight taken off my shoulders. All day I had been dreading the sheer effort any social interaction would have required. My counsellor is afraid of me becoming isolated and not getting out but that nite I just couldn't do it.
How is this possible? This illness is so overwhelming at times. Yesterday was not great. And today? Well I hate friday's because that is grocery day and I hate getting the groceries. Plus my wife had not made up the big weekly grocerey list thurs nite so I knew I might not have to do it today.
Well low and behold I woke up this AM with all this energy and a feeling of complete competence. I went to get the groceries (without a list!) and did fine. I felt great all day had a great visit with my bro and helped the lady who looks after my son after school by buying her salt and sand for her icey driveway (I live in Atlantic Canada)and then putting it on for her.
The thing I hate about this illness is the unpredictability. Why did I crash? I know I have been feeling bad since my shrink told me to give up my home business, maybe that was a trigger? Who knows? All I know is that when this hits you you have got to hold on. 2 days ago I was again thinking about ending my life sometime down the road when I have to go back to work.
Today I feel unstoppable and I am on a mood stabilizer.
I have come to believe that the ups and downs are never going to go completely away, only prayer and courage and the support of others will get us through.
Good luck with your job search, the best advice I can give you is to be prepared for each interview. I became a master with my many job changes and never once failed to get any job once I hit the interview stage. If I can be of any help let me know.
KTF
Scott
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