Oprah Winfrey Doesn’t Know the Truth About Depression

I have to say I have never been more disappointed in Oprah Winfrey than I was yesterday when she aired her show “Dad Kills wins: The Truth About Depression” The truth about depression is that unless you have ever found yourself as depressed as David Crespi you can not relate to or truly understand the state of mind of a truly depressed person.

What incensed me most is how she repeatedly asked Mr.Crespi why he did not bother to share his feelings so the tragedy of killing his two twin daughters could have been avoided. I am not a psychologist, but I don’t believe even during the interview Mr. Crespi’s mental state was one of clarity. I am not certain what he could have possibly conveyed to Oprah that would assist in giving her even a limited understanding of his thought process. So if Oprah were ever a reader of blogs, I am happy to share this with her…


Oprah, someone who suffers from depression as severe as Mr. Crespi’s lives in parallel universes. He crosses between them often several times a year. There is a man inside Mr. Crespi who thinks and feels as you do. He exists in the absence of depression. He would be horrified and appalled by any story concerning a man who killed his children, it is fair to say it would bring him to tears.

There is another Mr. Crespi whose life is void of anything meaningful and is completely without hope. The weight of his depression is both mentally and physically painful. He labors under an enormous weight which perches upon his chest and his shoulders. This weight keeps him from breathing deeply, and consequently he finds himself in a state of panic. I am not saying this to give you a colorful analogy. I mean just as I say, that his depression physically manifests itself in a variety of ways, and he feels it not just in his heart but all the way through to his bones.

When he is void of depression he is aware that his depression comes and goes. He takes comfort in knowing that there are some good days ahead. But when he is depressed his rationale leaves him, and he is certain the depression is here to stay. Each day is darker than the next and his paranoia mounts. Everything is an indication that he was not meant to live this life. There is no future for him, only more pain, greater pain, pain so invasive that after years of this cycle is both mentally and physically exhausted.

Mr.Crespi thinks about killing himself. He thinks about where and how. Sometimes he thinks about killing his family because he imagines the shame and embarrassment his suicide would cause. He wonders how they will provide for themselves. He wonders how they will cope with such a tragedy. He thinks it might be best if they go together because this is the one way he can shelter them from this pain. I don’t make excuses for him. I am not here to tell you it is logical. It simply is what it is. It is Mr. Crespi’s reality.

When Mr. Crespi is not depressed and of clearer mind his considers his depressed thoughts. He knows (believes) he would never act on those feelings. Just having them is shameful and embarrassing. Mr. Crespi does not share these feelings because he knows he will be vilified. He is loving father, a successful banker, an overall family man who when not depressed is like everyone else. But if he tells you he fears you will make other assumptions about him. He does not abuse his family mentally or physically. He is not obsessed with violence. He does not have a porn addiction or fantasize about taking women and casting them down into the earth to be his slaves. He does not abuse animals or keep diaries of his darkest secrets. But if you knew how he felt when he was depressed you would throw him in a societal cage with the likes of Ted Bundy and Jeffrey Dahmer.

Should he be punished in such a fashion? Mr. Crespi has gone through this cycle more than a dozen times over the course of 11 years. If he never acted on his feelings, or caused harm to his family is it fair to take his children away? Is it fair to be his judge?

Mr.Crespi did kill his children so I am certain there are people in the masses who would say “Yes, take his children away!” What Mr. Crespi needed more than anything was to feel safe. Mr. Crespi needed to know he could share his feelings without repercussion. He was already caring a cross upon his shoulders. He did not need anymore weight.

If you simply do not understand this man’s sadness and desperation, then thank God because you are blessed. I understand him far more than I care to. Yesterday I watched Oprah and I cried for that man, I cried for his wife and most of all I cried for his children. I too ask why did he not just kill himself. I ask why he did not reach out for help. But that is another Alex talking, because deep within myself I already know the answers. I have felt that ugly inside and my ability to relate to him is not superficial nod, the kind that is given when we say to another, “I can only imagine it must be hard to lose your wife to cancer” or “ it must be difficult to lose a child.” It implies that in the recesses of your mind you can find and harness that person’s pain and understand the weight of their sadness. The fact of the matter is we are all in the habit of giving lip service. There are so many things that because of our own lack of experience we are incapable of understanding. But I do understand Mr. Crespi.

Unlike Mr. Crespi, I go to my therapist and share even my ugly feelings. I do this because my grandfather killed both himself and his second wife. He was bipolar, as am I. There is a point when your own mind can overpower you, and when you find yourself treading on a path which is unflattering at best, you have to tell someone who can help you.

I wonder if things could be different if when a person goes to the therapist the therapist said you may feel this… and when you do come to me because I can help. It may go a long way in decreasing the fear and alienation one feels when they have those kinds of feelings. What would it have changed if Mr. Crespi knew he was not alone, he was not a horrible person and someone, somewhere could help him manage those feelings without taking a wrecking ball to his life? Consider the possibilities, consider how many lives could be saved if we did not fear candid conversation.