The worst part about...

The worst part of being bipolar is ...Probably whatever I am feeling at the very moment I contemplate the worst part about being bipolar.

I keep crying and I honestly don't know why. I feel so horribly sad. Everything is making me sad. And the elephant is sitting on my chest again. That is what the anxiety feels like. It physically feels like weight on my chest. I get so anxious it takes my breathe away. I keep trying to take deep breathes. I imagine I am on a raft in the ocean and I can hear the waves hitting the shore. It is night and the moon casts its reflection on the water. I try to keep that in my mind to block out all the other things. It is so difficult to explain. I have tried to explain it to my therapist. Imagine that your teen age son has a garage band, and they are using your garage to rehearse in. At the same time your daughter has her stereo playing full blast because she is trying to drowned out the noise of her brother. Your husband or wife has the TV on and its very loud so he or she can hear over the other music. The phone rings. Its for you, and you try to listen, and you try to talk, but with all the noise in the background it is so difficult to focus on the conversation. Now your youngest child is interrupting you while you are trying to speak. You are so frustrated you want to put the phone down and scream at everyone to turn off all that shit.

I want to tell someone to shut that crap off but as luck would have it my noise pollution exists in my head. It is in the form of racing thoughts combined with nervous energy, because I can not keep all the things I need to do straight in my head. And suddenly I am worried that I will forget to pay bills or pick up my oldest son. I start writing lists. Multiple lists. I write on my hands because I am so worried I am going to forget to look at one of those lists. I have to have the lists because what if I wash my hand and forget to write the list back on my hand? What if I forget everything that is on the list? What if I lose one list or misplace it? I need a back up list. Does any of this make sense???

My therapist thinks this is good because at least it allows me to function, but I can't say that I accomplish anything on the lists. Maybe a fraction of what is on the lists, because I will spend more time fretting over how I should strategically plan what I do and when I do it. When should I run the laundry? I need to take a shower. Do I take a shower or wait until after I do laundry. Should I run dishes, then shower, then do laundry? Maybe I should run dishes at night because the dishwasher has a timer. Should I go to the post office in the morning? Maybe I should wait until after I pick up my son.

Sometimes I think maybe I have a million different diseases. For instance I only eat one thing at a time. Most people will get a burger and fries and will take a bite of burger then a few fries until they are done eating. I have to eat just fries and then the burger. I can't interchange the two. I never realized this was an issue until I was older and people would constantly comment about it. I really can't eat any other way. I have tried to but it is very unsettling. I like to go to bed on the hour or the half hour but I hate to go to bed say at 12:23. I want to go up to my bedroom at what I consider a precise time. I know that makes no sense at all...

I have to stop rambling and get off this computer because I do have things to do. Nothing gets done when you spend too much time telling the whole world what a shit house rat you are...