My Horse Maisy

When I was a little girl I had a horse. She was a pure bred arabian. I had no business having such a horse, but my father had done business with an arabian horse breeder and so it was determined that was the breed of horse I would get. My horse was a mere year old when I got her, and she grew to be 16 hands high. My parents were not "horse people" and in lacking wisdom they believed they had created a magical relationship between horse and girl- much like you would see in the movies. She and I would grow up together, grow old toghether and through the process learn together.

I found early on Maisy was not keen on this idea. She was wild eyed with a fiery spirit, and the first time I took her out into the arena she reared up on me. I screamed as what appeared to be a massive hoof to my nine year old eyes clipped my arm. She did not hurt me, but she scared me and I never forgot that moment. My parents intended for me to show her. So I took riding lessons. I rode every horse at the stable, but I would not ride my own. In time my confidence grew and I thought it was time that begin to ride my horse. It should have been no surprise she bucked and reared all over the arena and it would be a long time before I would ride her again.

When I reached high school my father told me he would no longer pay to board my horse. I rarely went to see her, hardly ever rode her, had never shown her and it was time to relinquish the expense. I cried myself sick because long before my parents bought her she had been my dream. Funny how dreams when translated to reality are never quite the same thing.

My best friend had horses. Her parents had a barn and pasture and they agreed to take my horse. She and I spent nearly everyday together and so we rode together. I would start out on my horse but within 10 minutes I would ask her to trade horses-she had no fear. Over the next 3 years Maisy would knock me off too many times to count. Deep inside myself, though I would never say it out loud, I did not like that overpriced jackass of a horse.

One day when I was a senior in high school my girlfriend asked me if I wanted to go riding. She laughed as she asked if I wanted to ride my own horse. I took a moment and thought to myself, I have been thrown off, stepped on, occassionally kicked, what more could this horse do to me? I decided nothing. I decided she would not throw me off anymore. I got on her no more accomplished or skilled and stayed on until she grew tired of being a jerk. After that we had a very nice ride. My girlfriend was utterly dumbfounded. She asked,"what got into you?" I told her Maisy was not going to run the show anymore. And that was the end of that.

9 years of fear kept my dream from becoming reality. I think of all the rides we could have had, had I not let fear rule my life. As I said before, I was no more skilled, no more accomplished. The only thing that had changed was my mind.

Breathe

The last couple of days have been rather rough. Not for an particular reason. I have been experiencing a lot of anxiety. It's the kind that wakes you from your sleep in a panic. I lie in bed and take a few deep breaths and hold them, slowly exhaling until I find my mind and my pulse slowing down.

Things come up -obstacles and dilemmas and I just keep telling myself it does not matter. Every time I find myself dwelling on the past or things I can not immediately change, I tell myself I am better served using that time and energy to move forward.

Everyday I find that redirecting my thoughts has gotten me more mileage than anything else I have ever done. There is no safety clause. I no longer say Oh, I'll try this for a while and see how it goes. Instead I tell myself I am doing this until I succeed. Everyday I give a little more, and surprisingly I am getting a little more.

I have also been listening to a Paraliminal CD I bought off of ebay. I can't tell you it has any magical powers, but it does help me clear my mind and I find I am able to focus more clearly. Whatever science behind the recordings, whether it is bogus or not does not matter. If you begin to achieve something for no other reason than you believe in something, the reasons for success are far less important than the success itself.

I am probably coming off half baked right now but this is the first time in a long time I have had a sense of direction and purpose. More importantly, a lasting sense of purpose and direction. So if nothing seems to be working for you, it never hurts to try something new. Even better it costs nothing. Create a statement for yourself. Define your true self and all the things you wish to accomplish. Sum it up into a few sentences and when you feel like you are losing control repeat those sentences in your mind over and over again until you find yourself in a more manageable state. Do it in the morning. Do it when you go to bed. Do it every time you are filled with self-doubt, self-hate, confusion and despair. Do it over and over and over again and slowly you will find it becomes you.

Butterfly and Nicole, thank you very much for your comments :)

Think and Grow Rich- What it means to me

I picked up a copy of Think and Grow Rich at my local library. It is one of the better books I have recently read. It made me think long and hard about the issues that have been plagueing me for quite some time. The book talks about how people create self fulfilling prophocies because of their negative attitudes... that we fail to define what it is we want in life and waste our time hoping wishes become reality. The idea spoke very loudly to me because I am that person. I am constantly expecting failure and hoping for a miracle. Many times I have posted and named various things that I planned to do to change my lot in life. None of which ever included changing my mindset. So I might start doing yoga and or taking herbs, and in my mind I am thinking this crap probably isn't going to work, but cross my fingers I hope it does. When it doesn't work I think to myself, of course it didn't work. God, hates me and that's why he refuses to allow me any crumbs or success or happiness- why would I expect the 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 time to be any different?

Napoleon Hill believes man finds his success when he finds something he feels so passionate about he will stake all that he has for it. So the question is, do I desire change so badly I will give all that I have in the pursuit of happiness or die trying? I decided the answer is yes. So now when I am having those self defeating conversations with myself, I stop and refocus on other things. I put my energy towards moving foward. I remind myself repeatedly of my goals throughout the day and I tell myself if I persist there is no way I can fail.

I still have the same problems. My husband is a dick. I'm broke. I'm half nuts. But when I dwell upon those things, 5 minutes later he's still a dick, 5 more minutes later I'm still broke, now 5 more minutes later I'm still half nuts and 15 minutes later I have lost 15 minutes of my life. Now I have a savings account I am putting money into, now I have a job I am trying very hard to make work, now I am creating a blueprint for my future. To many people it probably does not seem like much. To me its progress that I know will build and build. Hope all is well with everyone. Thank you or your comments. I really do appreciate you guys putting up with me;)

I'm Alive Scott

I am still alive. Nothing horrible has happened. I have spent the last few weeks working and doing a lot of reading. I am trying to change myself and my life and I just wanted to step away from this blog. For the longest time I have been struggling with a lot of things. My husband, my lack of employment, my on going fight with God. I come here and I complain a lot. I'd like to think in doing so I am cleansing myself to some degree. But really at the end of the day I feel like a keep feeding the monster within.

I have been very susceptible to the opinions of others for so long I have forgotten what it is to have any back bone or self respect. Every time I consider other options for my life and I convey my thoughts to a friend or family member, I can hear the disapproval in their voice. It seems to me those closest to me always have an agenda for me, and if my desires to not coincide with theirs they are quick to dismiss me, belittle me or take a condescending attitude towards me. I return here, to my den of sorts, and I let my self doubt incubate to the point that it flourishes.

I know I can be so much more than who I have been in years past. I know I can do more, accomplish more... And I have been staying clear from this blog for a while because I do not want to return only to continue on the same course.

When I started this blog I wanted it to be a place that I shared my experience, but more importantly I wanted to pass something along to those who are experiencing the same thing. There are times when your mind is like a prison. I wanted those who are less vocal about their experience to know it was ok. That no matter how shitty things get, the sun will still rise and set tomorrow. I wanted to pass on things that help-things that don't. I wanted significant others to understand what goes on inside our heads. Maybe it started out like that, but lately it has been a cry baby fest for me.

So from here on out I am going to make this my personal development blog. I am going to spend my time improving upon the person I am and walking towards the person I want to be. As for my short lived UTI blog, well, lucky for me I have gone nearly three weeks without one. Thank you cranberries, thank you garlic, thank you vitamin C, thank you golden seal, thank you water. Without you the bathroom and I would cease being friends.

The New UTI Blog

*****If you're a man, turn away. This post is not for you.*****

I have been dealing with UTI issues forever now. Well, not forever-since 2005. Prior to that year I never had them and since that year I can't seem to get rid of them. When they first started they began as mildly uncomfortable and progressed if they went ignored. The point being is that I had plenty of warning to do something about them before the situation became severe. But now they come on out of nowhere accompanied with horrible pain. I use to find fairly quick relief in cranberry juice but now its effect is far less. For the past week I have been taking cranberry juice, garlic, vitamin c and echinacea-golden seal like it is going out of style. While the symptoms have lessened it is definitely still there. I suppose I should go to the doctor but I get tired of taking their crappy pills that cost 20 bucks and never really solve any of my problems. In the meantime I have been searching the Internet looking for other UTI cures. I have seen drinking a mixture of baking soda and water on several boards. Isn't baking soda alkaline? I thought the purpose of drinking cranberry juice was that it increased the acidic nature of urine and destroyed the bacteria causing the infection. Is someone throwing a monkey wrench in my UTI belief system?

In addition to this female problem I have yet another dilemma. I keep getting cysts on my ovaries. I don't know why God is trying to turn me asexual. What did I do to deserve all this? The husband, the cysts, the husband, the UTI...the husband. When does it end.

All this suffering in my lower 48 has left me to think about my eating habits. I have been trying to eat healthier this week. I have been eating alot of veggies, South Beach Diet frozen dinners and a tasty little treat called detox soup. My efforts have produced a UTI infected gas bag of a body. If anything, the gas has to go away. Right? Right? My mother has been a vegetarian since she was 5 years old and she isn't stinking up the house every 5 minutes.

Adding to my cornucopia of herbal delights, I began taking gotu kola and ashwagandha. They are supposed to relieve stress and anxiety and improve mental clarity. Shhh...ashwaganda also supposed to make me like sex again. But at the rate I am farting that will never happen :)

On a positive note I have not drank a cup of coffee in the last three days. What's so amazing about that? Well I typically drink 2-3 pots a day. I know you are probably thinking, 'Hey, maybe your not bipolar. Maybe you drink to much damn coffee.' I drink that much and I am still tired, and if I don't drink that much I usually get a migraine and eventually throw-up. So it defies reason how i have gone 3 whole days without so much as a minor pain in my temple. But I will take it and run with it.

Well that's my "New UTI Blog." I will continue to keep you posted on the health and well being of my crotch. Any suggestions, any remedies, please feel free to advise:)

Thank you

Scott,

I was very happy to see your post. It has been a while since I have heard anything from you. Absences always have me worried. I want you to know I think of you often and always hope you are well.

Nicole,

I really do appreciate all of the support you have given me. It seems that you are always in my corner cheering me on and it means the world to me- so thank you very much.

Thank you everyone. I mean it from the bottom of my heart, because there are so many times when I have needed you and just knowing that you are there fuels me to continue on this arduous journey.

This post is probably coming off on the freaky side. It is certainly not my intention. I have put off posting this week because I am trying my best not to continue with my habit of negative posts. As always I have tons to complain about but for the hundredth time I am trying to turn a new page.

I read a quote somewhere that said (i paraphrase)...even a jet has to take off against the wind. I think I have false expectations of a magical formula that leads to an easy and unchallenged life. I have continued to give much thought to my religious beliefs and I am coming to place of comfort and relief in a more Buddhist approach to life. I have bought into the notion that God is a magical fairy who exists to make my dreams come true if only I knew how to approach him or communicate with him. Time and time again I have been disappointed when my prayers have fallen on deaf ears. So I am now excepting that life is full of trials and no promises that God will come to the rescue and save the day. This is the test we all face in life. When we realize our purpose we can remove disappointment from our lives. Our purpose is to move forward and evolve without the promise of reward. That is exactly what I am trying to do.

Currently I am working from home. I am looking for other wah opportunities. My hope is that within the next year I will achieve a full time income from my efforts. I am doing my best to eat better- although I did just eat some oreos :( Just plugging away- trying to focus my energy. Its the only way things are going to get better...

5 am

It was roughly 5 am when I rolled over to look at the clock. I realized my husband wasn't home. Not to say working until 5am isn't common. It can be. It has been in the past...But my husband use to use his job as a cover for his affair and now I am left to sift through fact and fiction everytime he walks through the door.

I have never had an affair. I have wanted to. My husband would argue that my relationship with "Laney" was the same as having an affiar. I don't buy that. My relationship did not cause me to stay out at all hours of the night. I did not forgo any family activities because of my relationship. Laney knew I was married. I never lied and acted as though I was divorced- as my husband did.

Its hard sitting here bubbling over with emotion. Do you ignore it? Do you question it? Do you fight in front of the kids? My husband is never quiet, never discreet, and although he says he doesn't want to fight in front of the kids, he can not help but air out our laundry in front of them whenever he is given the chance.

I wish I would have left him when I found out. At the time I was so overwhelmed, I did not know what to do. I had just lost my job and within a few weeks later lost my husband too. I don't know how anyone ever repairs a marriage once one of the parties has committed adultery. I for one prefer the illusion of an unblemished marriage. And no matter what transpires this will always be between us. I will always no there was a period of time when he chose to be with someone else.

To a degree I take the blame. The blame for being in this situation-not for him cheating. I have this unfounded equation in my head. I have been through soooo much with my husband. I was always there for him when he needed me. I have drug him out of so many messes. I thought when someone stands by you after so many fuck ups, after its all said and done they are loyal to you. How can they not recognize what you have done? When anyone else would have left, how can they not recognize you have been the one holding their hand through it all. So it is mind boggling that after buying a house, having kids, and innumerable fuck-ups on his part, that he strays over a beer and whore who says he's hot. Then you realize the kids, the house, the history just doesn't measure up to an ego stoke. He argues that isn't how it is. How can I see it any other way? When you cancel a family vacation so you won't be away from your cunt mistress, how can I see it anyother way? When you come home and announce you don't love me anymore- you've met someone else, how can I see it any other way?

When can I get my new life? I am so tired of this one.