I'm Not Dead

I have not had 2 minutes to myself for nearly a week. My husband has been home for the past six days so I have had to set aside my blogging. I now have six days off nonsense stored up inside so I don't know where to begin.

I have been so anxious lately that it is affecting me in a very physical way. I can feel the muscles cramping in my neck and back. For whatever reason it seems to be worse at night. Last night I sat on the couch and shook. I can't pinpoint the reason for my unsettled nerves but it is draining my energy and my spirit.

Roughly two years ago I read a book by Judith Orloff called Positive Energy. In the book Ms. Orloff says that some people are open to the negative energy of others. I wondered if there is something to it. Why is it that when confronted with large groups of people you find yourself anxious, sad, oppressed or maybe even aggressive? Maybe you don't but I often do. She described how some people are emotional vacuum cleaners who gravitate towards and drain all positive energy from a source. --I often feel as though I am being sucked dry in the presence of my husband.

Sometimes I wonder if bipolar is in large an assault to ones spirit. I have no words to describe what it is I am trying to convey other than it feels as though it is only the thinest of veils that shield me from the things which bombard ones life. Does anyone else feel this way? How else can I explain this? Sometimes I am uncomfortable attending church. I find when I am there I am overwhelmed with emotion that I can not explain. It is as though a current of energy runs through my body and its power is so great that it causes me to cry. I can not say I feel sadness, or joy or it is some sort of revelation. I can only describe the feeling as pure energy. I try to hide the tears running down my face. There is nothing going on that would evoke such emotion and I am embarrassed by it because I have no explaination for it. There are other times when I have similar feelings and I wonder what they are or where they come from. Everything is a contradiction because the feeling is so unnatural and yet so natural at the same time. Ordinarily everything else when compared to these feelings register somewhere in the realm of numb. That in itself is a strange thing to say because I live my life being overally emotional to one extreme or another but this feeling is beyond all that and I simply have no adaquate means to describe it. Is there something going on that causes us to feel more accutely? Is there something more to this than genetics, hormones or lack of magnesium?

I wish I could discuss it with my husband but I already know he will dismiss me and make some snide comment about whether or not I am taking my meds. When you have no common ground you are always left felling isolated. I feel that way about alot of things which is probably one of the reasons I blog. People who are searching for eachother, can express themselves, find common ground and create something without being stigmatized or rebuked.

I was talking on the phone to my older sister last night and she asked me what exactly is bipolar? Then she said, "it just means you're depressed, right?" I tried to explain to her what a bipolar person experiences and she said, "oh, mood swings, everyone has those." I kept trying to explain but I got the impression none of it made an impact on her. Then I start to question myself. Maybe I am an attention starved dillusional nutbag to the extent I have to create an illness which explains the my behavior (which to outsiders is no different than their own.) I know its different but I can't help wondering why I can't "shake it off." Have you heard that before? " I get depressed, nervous, etc but I just shake it off" I want to ask what is it that your shaking off? Because whatever I have is either welded on or adhered to my back with a space age polymer.

So now that I have wasted 30 minutes of my day typing a bunch of crap that when read has no cohesion does anyone, anywhere understand what I am saying? I am just sitting here wondering how and why, why me and if there is something more going on than a genetic defect that causing me all of this pain and confusion.