St Jude
Because of my funk...
Shrine of Saint Jude
Saint Jude Prayer
Most Holy Apostle, St. Jude Thaddeus, faithful servant and friend of Jesus, the name of the traitor who delivered your beloved Master into the hands of his enemies has caused you to be forgotten by many. But the Church honors you, and I invoke you as the special advocate of those who are in trouble and almost without hope. Help me to realize that through our faith we triumph over life's difficulties by the power of Jesus who loved us and gave his life for us. Come to my assistance that I may receive the consolation and succor of heaven in all my needs, trials, and sufferings, particularly ( here make your request ) and that I may praise God with you and all the saints forever.
St. Jude, apostle of the Word of God, pray for us. St. Jude, follower of the Son of God, pray for us. St. Jude, preacher of the love of God, pray for us. St. Jude, intercessor before God, pray for us. St. Jude, friend of all in need, pray for us. St. Jude, pray for us, and for all who invoke your aid.
Gospel of Thomas - "If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you."
I had written a rather lengthy post and had not yet saved it when my computer pooped out on me. That was several hours ago, and as you can imagine I was very annoyed. I thought when things calmed down at my house I would try it again but the moment has passed and I no longer feel like whining about all the crappy things that have happened in the last two weeks. Not that my mood has improved. I just know it won't change anything. There are certain matters so toxic no matter how much you complain about them, write about them, fret about them, they have a way of constantly repleninshing. You thought you had emptied out the chest but you turn around and see it is full once more, piling up and over the sides, spilling out onto the floor. I have to figure out another way because all of this fretting just makes me sicker at the end of the day. I have to push ahead or I'll find myself content to sit here and rot like I have for more than a decade.
I put the Gospel of Thomas quote in because I believe it whole heartedly. If don't bring forth what ails me (bipolar), it will destroy me. That's why I am here. I hope everyone else find a way to do the same.
Also, I wanted to say if you ever post a comment and I do not respond, please know I am not ignoring you. Sometimes I am forgetful. Sometimes I overlook things. Sometimes I am completely socially inept. I really do appreciate your comments, your thoughts and your prayers. God Bless.
posted by BiPolarGirl @ 11/30/2006 12:11:00 PM
6 Comments:
Hey BP Girl
I put the Gospel of Thomas quote in because I believe it whole heartedly. If don't bring forth what ails me (bipolar), it will destroy me. That's why I am here. I hope everyone else find a way to do the same.
This is so true. While out walking today with my BP neighbour we both began to express frustration at our situation. Eventually she said "you know we take our meds, go to therapy, talk about it, pray about and yet nothing seems to get better." I could relate to what she said because just before our walk I said almost the same thing to myself.
Hearing her say it out loud made me confront my own comments and realize that all of the things we do are the only difference between us and the other woman from our neighbourhood with BP who commited suicide last spring. Somehow at some point she stopped bring forth what ailed her. Somewhere at some point she succumbed and this bastardly illness devoured her.
Before I was stabilized in my last low I used to gain some comfort in telling myself I was engaged in a life and death struggle, an eye gouging, groin kicking, ear biting, eye poking fight for survival. Sometimes the anger is good.
After a few weeks of feeling good today I face a challenge. My Psychiatrist is advising me not to return to my previous work in February (my target date for return to work). He wants me to find a job in a structured work enviroment not continue my home based consulting work which is highly unstructured and cyclical in nature. He says it is not good to combine a fluctuating career with a fluctuating mood disorder.
Sounds like good advice except I enjoy my work and when I was manic I was very good at it. Also I made 3 times what I will be able to make in the other line of work and with many sacrifices to my lifestyle (picking up kids when I want to walking dog, etc etc).
I have become down about this and have forgot that I am still in control not this illness. Your post has helped me to realize I need not just take his advice, I will bring this before God and ask for his counsel on what to do instead of wallowing helplessly complaining that I have no choice.
Finding that balance with our illness where we learn to admit the limitations of our illness but not to underestimate our abilities to cope is difficult.
In the end I have always found hope in confrontation of the realities, despair is when you walk away, death is when you give up.
Near the end of our walk my friend apoligized for being angry and bitter but I commended it on her and said it was a good sign. Anger at least showed she still had expectations that things should be better, lethargy is the bad sign, it tis the warning that death may be near, like the hypothermic person in the freezing water who as the end approaches becomes quit and content when we begin to back off of the confrontation with this illness we begin to lose.
KTF
Scott
Scott,
I totally understand where you are coming from. Several years ago I was an account manager in telcom. I had a love/hate relationship with the job, but at the end of the day I enjoyed my work because I was good at it. I worked for the company for 7 years which is by far my longest stint to date. It isn't as though I did not have highs and lows during that 7 year period, but when you are going through it you need something to cling to. Sometimes a career is that thing.
Since that time I have tried a variety of other things and I have quit for a variety of reasons. I have lacked loyality,desire, just unwilling and unable to commit. When I review the past years in my mind I am left feeling a failure. I can not recapture the sense of worth and pride I once had.
I can't say this is the root of all of my problems but it is another layer on a perpetually never ending onion I call life. I have been down, really down for so long. At times I feel hopeless. It is not one problem but the totality of all problems that weigh down on me, and I just keep hoping for a break. It's the low, it's financial issues, marital issues, family issues. I can handle these things separately. I can handle these things minus the low (I suppose someone would argue these things make you low but I would argue that a bipolar depression low is not the same as kind of low). When all these things come together it is paralyzing and I am so very tired.
I keep trying because I have lived long enough to know everthing changes. No matter how high you get you always fall and no matter how low you get you always climb your way out of the hole. But the waiting is pure misery.
I don't want to discount the professional advise you have received but at the end of the day, you live in your skin, and you need to do whatever is necessary to keep your head above water.
"I don't want to discount the professional advise you have received but at the end of the day, you live in your skin, and you need to do whatever is necessary to keep your head above water."
I appreciate your honesty. Its nice to talk to someone not afraid to challenge the Dr.
I have been thinking along these lines and feel that I must stay with what I am good at. Also my job allows me freedom that is impossible elsewhere. Today for example I spent the entire day helping a young friend of ours to leave an abusive relationship. She is only 19 and has a 2 year old son by a manipulative and abusive man. Today I accompanied her to the welfare office to get assistance, the power company, former empoyers for paperwork required, bought her lunch and generally supported her through a difficult day. She attends our church as a result of my wife's influence and I believe God has brought us together so we can help her. How could I do this in a structured job my Dr. wants me in? At the end of the day I was burnt out and felt tired but during the day my illness seemed far away. I feel God calling me to do this type of ministry from time to time. Still I am scared my illness will prevail, what you say about the bipolar low is so true.
Thanks for the encouragement you have helped pick up my spirits.
Wow.... I am not Catholic but recently, before my vacation, I sat and thought about the saints. I felt drawn to St. Jude and believed that he was patron saint (if I were Catholic). I researched some websites -- the hospital, shrines, and other info....
The St. Jude prayer is appreciated.
Hi Bipolar Girl...
I'm not Catholic, but I believe in God and the Trinity. That is an interesting prayer - is that a prayer for the hopeless? I know Catholics have very different ways of doing things than Protestants, so I was just wondering. I do want to say...yes, I do wish this for both of us - peace from our illness, but if it doesn't go away, it doesn't mean we're not good Christians. God also made medications which can ease the pain as well.
Or I could be way off on this. I liked the prayer, anyway. :-)
For all those who enjoyed the prayer, I am not catholic but I guess sorta of a cafeteria christian. According to shrineofsaintjude.com...
St. Jude, patron saint
of the impossible
St. Jude Thaddeus was one of the twelve Apostles chosen by Jesus Christ. Because he has the same name as the traitor, people were slow to ask his help. He didn't mind being left in the shadows - and now is the special patron of all who feel left in the shadows. At our Shrine we ask him to help all in special need.
...and I often feel lost in the shadows.
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