The advice you don't want to hear

Before I say anything I want you to know this is not directed towards anyone who has left any comments on this board(especially pertaining to may last post). It just so happens I had a conversation with a girlfriend of mine which left a very sour taste in my mouth.

I went grocery shopping at 9:30 last night. I often go at this hour because the kids are in bed. My husband can not bring himself to watch the children so that I may go at a decent hour. So it is always at these times I make phone calls to either one of my friends, my mother or one of my sisters because I otherwise can not speak in private. Yesterday, prior to leaving for the store my girlfriend called. I answered the phone only to have my husband walk up behind me and say " who the fuck is that on the phone?" I spoke with her briefly and told her I would call her back later. I find this behavior horribly embarrassing because he does this no matter who is calling on the phone and it leaves both I and the othe party very embarrassed.

When I finally left to go shopping I told her that I am very fed up with my husband. That I know he will never change and I need to figure out a way out. She has heard this many times before and I am sure she is sick of hearing it. I have never changed my mind but after months of giving it my best effort nothing ever happens and I resign myself to staying in this relationship. My biggest issue is not having a job. I have looked for jobs off and on but I am never offered anything that will net me enough to cover the cost of daycare and afterschool programs and I think why the hell do I want to spend 40-50 hours out of my home only to pay for gas and a babysitter. The point of getting a job is to slowly put money aside in an account so I can back my bags and leave. The last short effort I made at a job netted not a dime. I drove an hour and 15 minutes one way when gas was nearly $3.00 a gallon. Though my husband constantly remarks about the fact that I do not have a job, he will not watch the children. So if I pay for someone else to watch the children then he complains that I am causing more wear and tear on the car and making no money to speak of. It isn't that he merely complains. He screams and yells about how I am screwing him over and that I am making no money and the job is just a way for me to socialize with a bunch of morons on my husbands dime and time. I guess what I am trying to say is any which way you cut it I lose.

Years ago I made over 20+ dollars an hour but since then I can not find anything remotely close. Higher paying jobs are all found in larger cities and some require sacrifices I can not make. For instances I can not work 1st shift one week and third shift the next week and so on and so forth. I do not have anyone who will watch my children third shift.

So back on track. My girlfriend has a business which is over an hour away from my home. I have worked for her in the past and 2 years ago she offered me a job as a director. I did not accept the job because as a director I would need to be at the business by 6 am and stay until 6pm each day. I can not work those kinds of hours because I have children in school. Even if I took them to a before school program, the program opens at 6am and I need to leave the house before 5. When school was out I could have them in an afterschool program, but after school programs close at 6. I would be getting off work at 6 and I have a 56 mile drive which depending on traffic could be an hour or an hour and 20 minutes. If your an hour and twenty minutes late picking your kids up each day you can expect someone to call children services. I have no family in this town. My mother is 3 hours away and my sister is 2 hours away. So they can not help. We do not have any contact with my husbands family and even so they are all over an hour away. Even my friends live elsewhere

I am so winded today and I am sorry but I am so irritated and upset. Anyhow I said to her if anything ever comes up and the director's position is available please let me know. I was hoping if I could work something out with her where she would let me atleast leave earlier maybe I could do it. This caused a rather snide and haughty reaction from her in which she told me I have not had a real job in 4 years and there is no excuse for it. She also said I had been present numerous opportunities all of which I failed to accept. I asked her what in the world she is talking about. Well so and so offered me a job and I didn't take it. A friend of my girlfriend interviewed me for a job. I was told I would work 2 morning shifts, 3 evening shifts (until 11pm). 1st -as always I have no one to watch my children until 11pm. Nor do I want to pick my kids up from someone house at 11pm and drive them home when they have school in the morning. The place I would be working at is 45 minutes away from my home so you can expect by the I pick up the kids and drive we would be home by midnight. 2nd I was in the middle of a school quarter and I would have to drop out. 3rd She told me it was a temp position which may or may not last for a year.

The second opportunity was with yet another friend of hers. I asked what company would I be applying with she told me she did not know the name of it. I asked her what I would be doing and she said she did not know but she was sure whatever it was I could do it because I am so smart I can doing anything. I asked repeatedly before going to the interview but she kept saying she didn't know and it was no big deal just go. So I get to the interview and the woman asks me what I know about the company. Ummm nothing. What did I know about the position? Ummm nothing? I wanted to crawl under the table and die. Obviously I did not get the job.

Since then I have applied for jobs only to find out they do not cover the cost of going to work. Or the require something insane like going to Michigan or California for training for 6 weeks. I try for so long and then I give up because it seems like nothing will ever be a match.

My girlfriend then tells me I should either go live in a homeless shelter to get away from my husband or I should go live with my parents. My parents recently sold there house and are living in a 2 bedroom condo. My youngest sister who returned from school is living with them. I say there is nowhere for myself and my children to stay in that condo. Her reply is immigrant families do it all the time. Yes I suppose they do....

The reason I have no use for her advice is because she is
1. Single
2. Childless
3. Has her own business from an inheritance
4. Is currently building 4300 sq ft house which costs 500k
5. It is nothing for her to go shopping and spend 2-3 k in a weekend on clothing for her nieces.
6. She has a place in Cabo she goes to and takes her whole family every year at x-mas


Now why do I bring these things up? I don't expect her to give me a million dollars and set me free. I don't even expect 5 bucks. But if you are advising someone to do something that you yourself would never do then I expect you to just shut up and keep your advise to yourself. I once bought some clothes at a thrift store and she was appalled by how gross I am to wear someone else's clothing, yet she would not hesitate to tell you to take your kids and live out of your car. So for someone who only accepts the best of everything I am enraged when she suggests that I can move into my parents and live "like immigrants". She would never live like an immigrant. Anywhere she has ever lived she makes sure there are two full bathrooms because she refuses to share a bathroom with guests. But if its my family we can live in a garden shed and piss in a coffee can and if I am unwilling to take such measures I deserve everything I get.

She tells me I am looking for the perfect job. One where they offer me 60 k a year and that isn't going to happen. So I need to start at the bottom and work my way up. I don't have a problem with that but when you have kids it costs you money just to go to work. And if going to work costs more money than I make, I fail to see the benefit. If every week you find you spent 30 bucks more in gas to get there than what you made after other expenses, why are you going? I know it can grow into something more. I also know it could go no where. And while its costing me money to spend 50 hours a week out of my house my kinds are missing out on swim lessons, art class karate etc because mom isn't home to take them.

I don't have any answers. Life is tough but it isn't as easy as getting a job. For instance my sister has three kids none of which are school age. Daycare is 110.00 a week. That's 330.00 every week plus gas you have to buy just to go to work. So she needs to clear 380-400 after taxes just to pay for the privilege of employment. If she got a 10-12 dollar an hour job it would not be enough after taxes to pay for her to go to work. So getting a job -any job does not solve anyones problems.

So I am sitting here fretting about how I am going to ever get out of this mess. I know someone somewhere will say you need to get out of that environment and you need to get your children out of that environment. I don't discount that. It boils down to what kind of trade offs you are willing to make in this life. I do think it is damaging for my children to hear how my husband talks or how selfishly he acts. But on the other hand, I had an old co-worker how decided leaving would be best. She moved into a shanty of a house in a bad neighborhood because it was all she could afford- but it was better than dealing with her husband. Now she lives amongst drug dealers. She and her children lay in bed and listen to gun fire and she was unfortunate to be robbed at gun point on her very own porch after coming home from the grocery store. I am unwilling to trade fear for more fear or pain for more pain just to make a stand. So I sit here trying to figure out how to get my ducks in a row .

What is most painful is that I have many friends who I have gone to and have asked them to help me find a job- networking. All of whom acted shocked and embarassed that I have asked them to ask around. There have been many times when these very same people were down and out and needed a job and guess who got one for them? One girlfriend was 7 month pregnant and out of work. I got her a job, with insurance, paid maternity leave etc. She worked all of 6 weeks left ot have the baby. Didn't pay a dime for medical expenses and sat at home for another 6 weeks paid while she recovered. Her husband now owns a business. If you asked her now if she knew anyone who was hiring she says stuff like her husband would think it was weird to ask around. Her father has a business as well. He is a distributor and has more contacts in more areas than I can contact. I have known her for 26 years and when I ask her to ask her father if he knows anyone who is hiring or if he would be wiling to give me a reference she tells me her father would find it strange. He deals in sales and I am not really sales person so he would not be comfortable with that. Well there was nothing strange about me trying to keep his pregnant daughter from being homeless but I guess I'll remember the score next time it comes up.

I could go on complaing for hours because its just the kind of mood I am in. I have to get it out here rather than spending the whole say being short with my children.

Anyone have any work at home suggestions? Real ones which don't involve $250.00 and three DVD's that unleash the secrets of today's millionaires? I'm all ears. Because there is nothing I would love more than the next time I tell my husband I want to leave and he says - as he always does-"go ahead and don't let the door hit you in the ass. Oh, and leave your purse and cell phone here. All the money in it is mine the cell phone is mine. Leave the car keys here as well those belong to me. You better start walking to a pay phone and see if someone will pick your ass up." Then I can finally reply, " keep all of your shit. I am going over to the bank to withdraw the 40k I have been secretly stashing away. I am going to go get my own place kiss my ass!"