Tough Day at the Office
I don't really have an office. Just a house. But it was a tough day all the same. My husband is getting on my last nerve. I don't know why I bother to say it because he is always on my nerves. We went out to lunch today and I asked if he could let me run into Walmart because I was just about out of pull-ups. I have to add that Walmart shared the same parking lot of the restaurant we were eating at so it was really no skin off his back to let me run in. Upon asking he became furious. He told me he could not believe I would even ask. Afterall, he did have to go to work today and wasn't good enough that he took me to lunch? He then went on to say that I so lazy that it sickens him and that the only reason I asked him to let me go is because I refuse to take the kids in with me.
Well part of that is correct. I am not lazy but I do hate to take the kids shopping. Specifically I hate to take my daughter anywhere. I can not so much run in and buy a pack of gum without her causing a scene. She screams and yells, runs up and down isles. She tries to bite me while I hold her hand. When I have her with me I can not make it through the store without breaking into a sweat. My husband is well aware of this behavior and tells me I am the problem because she never acts like that with him. The error in this statement lies in the fact that my husband never takes my daughter shopping. He never takes the kids anywhere. He does not take them to school nor does he pick them up. He doesn't take them to soccer, karate, art, dance etc. I do. He has plenty of criticism for me and is happy to tell me how he handles things in his fairytale world. When I say NEVER I mean NEVER. For example he says I am always running late when I pick up my son from school. He never picks him up late. That's because he never picks him up period. NOT ONCE THIS WHOLE YEAR HAS HE PICKED UP OUR SON.
Having these conversations is like having a conversation with a mad man. Several weeks ago I asked him to take time off to watch the kids so I could go with my sister and my mother to a church function. He agreed but did so begrudgingly. Today he made a point of telling me that I should not even think about getting use to him taking time off for me. He use to take time off so I could do things and I took advantage of him. Hmmm...in the last 12 months I went out to lunch once with my girlfriend. He called me 15 times asking when I would be home because the children were driving him crazy. Prior to that I went shopping with my girlfriend on two separate occassions and that was in 2005. On one occassion my mother came to watch the children so I could go. The best part is that my husband was at home watching TV in his reclining chair. My mom drove three hours to watch the kids while he sat and watched tv.
In front of friends and family he makes a point to tell everyone I am allowed to do anything I want and all I have to do is tell him in advance and he will watch the kids. In so many words he basically says that the reason I am so unsocial is strictly my lack of desire to go out and it has nothing to do with him. I can not count the number of times he has promised to watch the children only to back out on me at the last minute causing me to cancel plans. He tells me he didn't really expect me to pull this bullshit and go out . I mean he works 50 hours a week. The kids are my job. Why does he have to do my job?
So back to Walmart. As we drive and we are close to the house he tells me he will go ahead and take me back to walmart. Just as we passed our house he goes to turn down the side road that leads to our driveway and says, "ya know what, I'm not takin' you. I'm tired of you being such a bitch. You can go later tonight with the kids."
It's this jekyl and hyde crap that drives me nuts. He loves to tell you what he would have done for you but you did something to upset him. Its nothing for me to get absolutely nothing for my birthday and have him tell me he was going to get me a tennis bracelet but I am such a bitch I'm not getting one now. And he will argue that all of his good intentions- the ones that never come to fruitition are what make him such a great guy. Because if I would only behave myself a world of infinite luxury would be mine.
What is it that I do that is such horrible bitchy behavior? Well for instance, today, before we left the house I took my shower. While I was in the shower my daughter came upstairs and got into a bottle of lotion. She poured it all over the carpet. She smeared it on the walls. It was all over the foot board, the sheets and the comforter, as well as her hair. My husband was of course in his reclining chair. When I came downstairs I asked him was it too much to ask that he keep an eye on her while I showered. This lead to him calling me a bitch and saying that I need to take responsibilty for her and if she is roaming around upstairs while I shower I should be the one checking on her. As if I am going to jump out of the shower every two minutes to see what she's up to. And because I suggested that he should be watching her he was so angry that he said he would not do anything with us the rest fo the day. Of course he did but he was a total dick until he went to work.
You make think these are small petty arguements but nothing comes out of his mouth that doesn't have 4-5 cuss words attached. When I got out of the car today I tripped. He told me he was going to have to quit his job because I am such a "fucking mental midget" he can not trust me to take care of the kids when I can not make it down the sidewalk without tripping. I tripped over a piece plywood covering electrical wires. Should I be verbally flogged for that? Does tripping over plywood make me an unfit mother. I can not tell you the number of times I have been publicly humiliated. Everytime we leave the house he says something in front of other people about how dumb I am, how slow I am (I can never get the kids out of the car fast enough for his tastes), what I horrible mother I am. He is always very loud and calculating because he wouldn't waste his time and energy unless he had an audience.
I have to get going. I am so pissed off I want to scream but he is on his way home. Lord knows the verbal abuse I would get if he ever saw this blog...until Monday take care.
posted by BiPolarGirl @ 12/02/2006 11:14:00 PM
3 Comments:
I am so sorry you have to deal with this on a daily basis - it must be very difficult - but you do know it's him -- not you - right? I mean I hear you say that - but I know it's hard to remember sometimes. Do your kids hear him talk to you this way?
Hey BP Girl
I want you to know that I prayed for you after reading your post. I pray and will continue to pray for you every day, that God will wrap his loving arms around you and give you strength and courage to face your many challenges. Know that he loves you and wants the best for you.
Your husbands behaviour is inexcusable. His abuse is obviously a manifestation of his very low self esteem. I would say he is a man utterley without charachter or self respect. No matter how arrogant he may appear to you you may be sure that he is cowardly and likely spends most of his time feeling inadequate. No one secure in their own self-image would behave so cruelly.
I would say to you as well that you need to leave this abusive relationship. The mental and verbal abuse he heeps on you daily is in some respects worse than physical abuse. It is amazing you have as much self respect as you do given the constant barrage you must contend with.
I know this must seem arbitrary and completely unfathonable at this point in your life. No doubt your mind will spin at the very thought of leaving. You will likely imagine many possible outcomes from such an act most of which will seem disastorous. But you must do this thing. If this is the true nature of your husband and I don't doubt it there is no hope for this relationship. I think you know this deep down. You seem like a wonderful sensitive, creativ, and optimistic person struggling with huge challenges. God will be with you every step of this difficult process, perhaps you have friends and relatives that can help?
I ask you to pray on this and consider it deeply, this relationship will slowly kill you if you stay, you'll drown in despair and 10 years will pass before you know it. As well your children must not be allowed to be raised in a home where they see someone being so abused. Your daughter will develop a natural self esteem problem, your son if you have one will grow into a mysoginist himself and likely struggle through multiple relationships.
You must leave this relationship, and only you are fit to be the parent of these children, despite your very treatable illness this is true. Your husband has shown himself completely uninterested in his own children and this makes him unfit.
I know this seems strong talk for someone you know nothing about, but I must speak as I see it. I know what I grew up in, I have seen the heartbreak of my sister's broken marriage and many others. I recognize the man who is your husband.
A leopard never changes his spots, in all of nature only a mother can care for her children.
Do not despair with God all is possible.
I know its him. I subscribe to a forum concerning NPD. Here are 2 good sites for understanding what it is... http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/index.html
http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/general.msnw
It is like the devil is living at my house. I thought when we started going to church things would change. That somehow the sermon would speak to him. But it had a very opposite effect. One sunday the sermon was about materialism. About buying things yo do not need in hopes that these things will make you happy. My husband is king of coming home with all kinds of useless junk. His spending causing severe financial problems because he has an attitude that he gets taken care of first and bills last. So if he decides one weekend that he'd like laptop computer, he goes and buys that computer. He does not ask how much money we have. Or how much money we need for bills. He does not plan ahead and save so much from each check over the course of a couple of months. He just goes and buys and I have to figure out the rest. Now when the bills come and there is no money to pay them He screams at me because I am not effectively managing our money.
Last summer my husband was off work for an extended period of time. And as things go when it rains to pours. So when you are already broke that's when you can expect everything in the house to break or stop working. My clothes washer broke. My dish washer broke. We had a leak in the upstairs bathroom on and on and on. So I was washing dishes in the sink. Taking clothes to the laundry mat. When we got a dime to our name he went and bought a Kimber 1911 (a gun). Now he already has several hand guns but he needed another one for what reason I don't know.He tells you its a back up weapon but he already has a back up weapon. How many do you need? And he sits in church nudging me asking me if i am listening to the paster about materialistic people. Lots of people wash their dishes in the sink. Only a snobby bitch insists on having a dishwasher. But the asshole just bought an $800 gun.
There seems to be some kind of disconnect in his brain that I can not fix. He is very selfish, very self centered and all conversation point back to him. When princess Diana died I commented how horribly sad it was. She was in a miserable marriage and she not so much as leaves and finds happiness only to be killed in a car crash. A normal person would say you're right. That is horrible. My hubsand always makes the conversation about him. His response is that rich bitch had a wonderful life and he would be happy to die in a crash too if I could have had her life and then he will go on to tell you how horrible his life is, how horrible his parents are, how everyone he's ever known has abondoned him blah blah blah. I guess its a self fulfilling prophecy because one day he will call me a dumb cunt one too many times and I will be abondoning him too. This makes it impossible to have a conversation with him because no matter what the topic he will relate it back to himself. I could say I saw a horrible story on the news where a family dies in a house fire on x-mas eve. He will respond by saying they probably had a meth lab in that house that caught fire and good riddens to trash. Why do I feel sorry for those pieces of shit when your poor husband works tirelessly fighting crime and providing for his family. Why don't I feel sorry for him? And then I start screaming THE STORY ISN' T ABOUT YOU ASSHOLE.THESE PEOPLE ARE DEAD! He always the one ups you. You're sick? He'sicker? You grew up in an alcoholic home- well his was worse. And you start to wonder over time if anything he says is true. He always has a tragedy to pull out of his bag when he feels most threatened. If he thinks you are going to leave suddenly he is sobbing and will tell you his mother once locked him in a closet to hours.
You might be tempted to think no wonder he acts this way. He's been abused. But don't let him trick you because I have heard 1000's of stories told with much fervor and great detail only to find out it was a lie. And there is no lie off limits, there is nothing he won't say to accomplish his agenda.
I keep praying that an opportunity will present itself and I will find my way out of this mess. I don't want to consider it likely only to go running back to him because I can not care for my children financially. When I leave it has to be for good- no turning back So please keep praying for me because I need divine intervention:)
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