Feeling Like Crap

I feel like crap. I mean I really feel like crap. I am so tired of feeling this way. I wish I had just one person in my life who was always there saying go girl go! But that never seems to be the case. My friends are a strange brew and of them, I can say I have only one who has always been there for me but she and I are no longer close. She moved to Arizona several years ago and we only speak intermittently now.

I called the person I consider to be my best friend and told her I was thinking about going to nursing school. She and I had this same discussion over 4 years ago when we were both losing our jobs. It seemed like a good idea at the time because we had been told that the state would pay for our schooling through a displaced worker program. At that time she invited me over for dinner and told me she thought it was one of the more ignorant ideas I had, had in a long time. She had never known me to have an interest in nursing. She could not imagine me being a nurse blah blah blah. And she was right but sometimes in life we opt to do things because we need to take care of our family. Being in telecommunications I saw many lay-offs, many acquisitions, bankruptcies etc. And thousands of people would lose there jobs. Then thousands of people are all shoved into the market place at once competing for the same jobs.

Many of my friends who worked at other companies would lose their job with one, go to the next only to lose a second job within a matter of months. They pick up their families and move to work for new companies only to find out three months later their employer is going under. What this taught me is that I needed stability in my life. I need skill sets that would be an asset today, tomorrow and 20 years down the road because I have a family to think of. I left her house annoyed yet undaunted and I made an appointment to talk to someone about applying for grant $$ for displaced workers. The meeting was uneventful. They told me they would train me to be either a nurse or a truck driver because these are 2 of the most in demand careers. BUT it was the end of their fiscal year and they had no more money left in their budget. So, they told me to try back in a few months. And I did. Low and behold they still had no money, so I began to check into other programs all of which had 2-3 year waiting lists. And finally I said screw this.

Last year my girlfriend called me up with very mixed tones. She had this great idea that I should be in a nursing program because some of the teachers at her school were entering a program and they all stood to make decent money when they were done. I reminded her we had this conversation before and she said it was a dumb thing for me to do, but she told me she thought differently now and I should check into it.

Two nights ago I called her and told her I was seriously considering a nursing program once more. Once again she has had a change of heart and in gentle words told me that nursing requires a lot of math, chemistry and biology, none of which she feels I am up to. In her own special way she was calling me dumb.

What I wanted to hear from her is "...If that's what you want to do go for it! You're smart enough to do whatever you put your mind to." Sometimes she is the greatest friend I ever had, and sometimes she's just a bitch. Sometimes she tells me I need to get out of this house for my sake and the sake of my children and sometimes she says shit like "you made your bed now I guess you have to lie in it."

I think she is disappointed in me because I did not leave my husband 4 years ago when I found out he was having an affair. I think everyone was disappointed in me. Everyone acts as though life is so simple, so black and white. And truly it is not. We just bought a house. I just bought thousands of dollars of furniture to fill the house. My husband had horrible credit so nearly everything was in my name. The cars, the furniture, the credit cards. I had no job. No where to go. I was depressed, disoriented I felt that I could not sink any lower and I was absolutely paralyzed with fear do you go when you have no money, no job and you carry all the debt? I felt so low all I could think about was killing myself because I did not know how else I would ever get out of this mess. How much can a person shoulder?

I would go to my girlfriend's house often, and her mother who is from the "old country" would tell me how I had to fix the marriage for the sake of the children. The children needed both parents. I would try to explain to her that my husband is a dick. A TOTAL DICK. And she would tell me to pray to God so that God may change him. And I did pray to GOD but interestingly enough he is still a dick.

So here I am years later trying to get out of the same mess. It seems to me the only good ideas are the ones she comes up with because no matter what I do she questions me as to whether or not that is a good decision. She comes up with insane ideas that include me driving two hours to work and two hours back because she knows somebody who knows somebody who can get me a job somewhere in the outskirts of hell. And when I explain that I would have to get up at 4 in the morning and take my children somewhere so someone could take care of them and get them off to school she seems undaunted.

My husband on the other hand is screaming at me to get a job, get a job, get a job. But when I am on the computer applying he tells me now is not the time and wait for the kids to go to bed. And when the kids go to bed he complains that he has not seen me all day and now is not the time for me to be on the computer. And when I ask when is a good time he tells me sometime when I am not screwing over the kids or him with my bullshit.

On top of all this my house is crumbling around me which makes me even sadder. We bought a house that is well over a 100 yrs old with the idea of renovating it. When we bought it our combined incomes were around 100k. Since I have not had a steady honest job in a long time things keep breaking. The roof needs replaced. The furnace needs replaced. The fence needs replaced. My toilet started leaking into my dining room yesterday afternoon. I thought I would be fixing these things over the summer with the money we anticipating getting but it never came and the house keeps crumbling.

So I sit and watch me all my dreams , desires and ambitions burn before my eyes. I pray and pray and pray. I know God works in God's time but if he doesn't get to it soon there will be nothing left. The meds work okay when I feel like shit for no good reason at all but they do very little for me when my husband is screaming at me, calling me names and shingles are blowing around in my front yard.

I know if something doesn't happen and happen soon I am going to start drinking because there is only so much I can handle. I don't want to be a bad mom. I don't want to be a bad person. But I have been stuck in this room for such a long time. The doors are all locked and the windows are all shut. I see outside but it appears as though the rest of the world is mocking me. They're so happy. So content. Everything goes their way and all I want is a sliver of what they have.


My Ramblings...
Never is there a time when I am left alone. Always with me little feet and prying eyes. What are you doing Mommy? Why are you doing that Mommy? Never is there a quiet moment when I left alone drifting in the darkness atop soft firm waves. Moonlight night. Serendipitous silence to soothe the storm inside my soul. Just a peaceful moment one filled with reflection so that I might find the strength to be the Mother I ought to be. But in the pandemonium and the chaos my resolve is weak. My voice is loud and filled with anger. My rage so common it now goes unnoticed. Skin crawls, chest tightens, anxiety ridden. Have to get it out, throw it up, write it down. My heart is in my mind pounding, pounding, pounding. Like a jet plane. A freight train barreling down the line. In collusion for a collision. All these forces in me, fighting for a piece of me and all they ever wanted was harmony. Even now the voice inside my head is drowned out by the four year old who stands beside me.