The gregarious / anti-social predicament

I am writing this post in regards to Scott's last comment about having a difficult time functioning. I completely appreciate where you are coming from.

There are days that I would do anything not to leave my house. I do not want to see people. I do not want to exchange pleasantries so much as take a shower and comb my hair. The mere idea of leaving the house to be confronted with crowds, knowing you must successfully navigate through them and complete a task is overwhelming. What makes it worse is taking a moment to contemplate your fear and knowing that it is down right ridiculous. Unfortunately, knowing you are foolish does little if anything to alleviate your beating heart and sweating palms.

When I do go to the store I am barraged with things that should not matter, should not even cross my mind but they do. They are invalidated fears that turn to out right paranoia. I am walking down the isles wondering who is staring at me and what do they think of me. Do they think I'm fat? Do they think I'm ugly? When I walk past are the whispering about me? Do they comment about my unkempt appearance? Do they think I am poor? Do they know my husband is an asshole and look upon me as a pitiful fool? Is there something in my manner that tells them something is wrong with me? Can they tell just by looking?

I want to get in and out as quickly as possible, but I am constantly side tracked. I wonder about in a very disorganized fashion. I mark things off the list I have yet to get. I buy things I do not need. I worry about all the other things I have to do. I want to leave but I don't want to go home, because when I get there it will become apparent that I failed miserably and chances are I will have to go to the store once more, maybe even 2 times more that same day.

I often dreaded going out socially because at some point in time the ground work has been laid that I am the "good time girl" And if you are going out with me you can expect a wild time. Because there is very little I won't say or do. But in this moment I am not that person and it seems as though the expectations of the evening ride on my shoulders- as if these people can not find fun on their own. And they let you know how dreadfully disappointed they are in you because they were afterall expecting a show. I find myself becoming agitated and resentful. It is not my job to make them laugh, make them happy, make them feel like they have had the best time they've had in a long time. They think to much of themselves to take the risks I take, the ones they get so much pleasure from. I am not saying I'm fantastic, but I am saying that they need me or want me to be their train wreck.

I have enrolled my children in various activities because for no other reason to force myself to leave the house. Of course I am not making them do things they do not want to do. But I encourage them to do anything and everything they have an interest in because otherwise I would sit on the couch, wrapped up in a ball stairing at the ceiling. When you start to take that slide it is so hard to stop. In so many ways you feel like you are dying inside but your cruel body just keeps breathing.

I do believe in prayer, but I also believe that God helps those who help themselves. God will support you. He will walk with you every step of the way. But don't you dare forget who you are. Bipolar people are highly intelligent, intuitive and creative people. And even when you feel so horribly weak, you have to know you are strong. I believe this because everyday I feel that unbareable weight on my back, I feel my heavy heart, I feel my spirit being crushed but I wake up to I see another day. How would you carry all that you carry, and continue to live every single day, if it weren't for the fact you are remarkably strong. Don't forget who you are. Your shoulders are bigger than most.