Why can't they make a pill...
I am certain everyone has their own way of dealing with things when they get to be too much. For me it's drinking. I don't consider myself an alcoholic. I do not need to drink on a daily basis. I could go months without. But when the stress level is too great I need to drink. My grandfather was a drinker (the one who shot himself) When that no longer worked he became addicted to pain meds.When the pain meds were not enough he put a gun in his mouth. I tell myself that's not me, but I wonder what lengths I might go to in the future to get the relief I need.
There are some days when the pills work great and some days it seems they do not. But when I put that glass of wine up to my lips it is instant relief. I can feel all the tension in my neck and back melt away. Everything in my mind begins to slow down and I feel so much calmer and laid back. Why can't they make a pill that does that?
My husband will come home tonight and see the glass in the sink. No doubt he will start in on me. I suspect he will see the glass in the sink tomorrow as well and probably several more days, maybe a week or more until things even themselves out. Why should I feel guilty? All this anxiety wears my body down, wears my mind down until I have nothing left for anyone else. I want to help my son with his homework but I can't concentrate.I can't listen to his questions. I can't hear him read. Why should I feel bad because I want to be a good mom, not a bad mom, not a screaming mom.
I'm sure some asshole somewhere would say a good mom wouldn't be drinking. Then tell me how to deal with all of the noise in my head, the noise of the TV, the noise of my children...all of the noise pollution is like chinese water torture. This glass in my hand turns the volume down. What else am I to do? Why can't they just make a pill...
posted by BiPolarGirl @ 12/13/2006 05:23:00 PM
5 Comments:
I may or may not mentioned but I have bipolar "tendacies" which probably means I'm bipolar but haven't ever been diagnosed - no surprise with my family history - and I recognize alot of my daughter's symptoms as well as others in myself. I have self-medicated in a couple of ways - and have been trying to not drink for several months now - I have done pretty well - but recognize the relaxation that it provided in your entry. As you already know - it's just such a fine line - between the relaxation and losing yourself.
Hey BPG
I am back, just needed to lay low for a while and have some me time. I have been ministering to my brother, my bi-polar neighbour and the single mom. For future reference they are in order Doug, Tammy, Nicola.
I won't judge your actions, but be careful. Self-medicating is one of the dangers of our illness, and if there is alcholism in your family history you are more at risk. I love wine as well and experience the same sensations you do, I am sure you know however that it is a depressant so you are countering the anti-depressant you are taking. There are I am sure lots of drugs that can help you with anxiety but I am sure you have been through this with your Doctor.
I think you are OK as long as you are not drinking to excess or combining it with activities (like driving). What meds are you taking for BP? I will understand if you don't want to say.
My anti-depressant is Paxil and my mood stabilizer is epival, so far a good combo. I have been stable for about 6 weeks. I have the occaisional drink, very much like your pattern.
KTF
Scott
PS I posted comments to some of your previous posts that I missed out on this week.
I totally understand the drinking. The anxiety can get so bad that paranoia sets in. You feel like the walls are coming in on you. So a bit of wine makes you feel better. It's like night and day.
Pills just makes you feel drowsy but alcohol just kind of takes it away. Now that's just not fair considering bipolar disorder sufferers aren't even supposed to drink.
Oh I hear you all to well girl. I had my own couple of drinks last night, and the fun lasted all of a half hour, then the depressive effects of the beer set in. I am sure that I will drown in my own tears someday, but I hope to drown in a really expensive bottle of scotch instead. The fun of this illness really doesn't know when to let me off the ride. My therapist said I should just breathe, hard to do when I am so caught up in seething instead.
Its funny guys, because I have read that college students dealing with bipolar turn to alcohol. It is apparent alot of people dealing with bipolar turn to alcohol. We turn to it to take the edge off. You would think they could provide us with something else that would do the same without the intoxication.
The only thing that keeps me from going to far are my children. If it weren't for them I am certain I would have a problem. In college and in high school I drank myself nearly to death. I would get up in the morning and drink bloody marys to get rid of the headaches and continue on with my day. I went to OSU which at the time was a huge party school. But I was just as happy to drink by myself alone in the dark as to go to any bar. I wasn't looking for acceptance and socialization. I was looking for something to take that 50 lbs off my neck.
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