Exercising For Comments and Some Other Crazy Stuff

If you ever visit Nicole's blog, she states she will exercise for comments. I think I will follow her lead and do the exact same thing. I need to get my life in order. I talk about it, but I need to take action that is more expansive than this blog or drawing or whatever I have stated in the past.

I was talking to a girlfriend this evening, and I told her I need to get my mood in check, my body in shape and my finances in order. These are the three things I HAVE to work on this year. So from here on out you might encounter some strange things on this blog, but understand I am trying to work through a variety of issues that I believe are inter-related.

I am a big fan of Caroline Myss and Judith Orloff. I have not read their books in some time because my library sucks. But I decided I needed to reread some of the books I have read in the past and start focusing on healing myself. One of the things that Caroline Myss discusses is archetypes. She believes that once you are able to identify your archetypes you can begin to understand yourself and what role they play in holding you back, how they prevent you from healing but also how you can use them to progress and heal. I think there is much to be said about archetypes, because I personally can identify with several of them. I see how they have worked in my life in conjunction with my bipolar.

Two of the archetypes I believe play a significant role in my life are the prostitute and the rescuer. The first time I went to speak to my psychiatrist she said to me that she doubted I would have ever seeked her assistance if I had a more supportive spouse. She explained to me that a spouse who understands bipolar is key in living with and working through the ups and downs of the illness. I can honestly say my life has become more and more unmanageable over the years because of two factors 1.) my husband and 2.) my children. The intensity(the disease itself) of my situation has not increased, but I have been given no outlets and little if any flexibility when it comes to dealing with the highs and lows. This has created severe frustration for me and is the main reason that I sought counseling because I knew the anger and sadness I was feeling was about to boil over in a way that would be significant to my family.

When I was younger and without obligation I had a variety of means to deal with my low points. They were not always constructive or good for my health but they created an outlet. Even something as simple as quiet time alone can go along way in relieving anxiety. Theatre was another way that I was able to lose myself and deal with some of the suffering that I was experiencing. Since I met my husband the vast majority of my freedoms have been taken away. Things as simple as keeping a journal are now impossible because I have no privacy. Often I am not able to do so much as go to the store by myself because my husband loves to tell me, because I do not work I do not deserve any "me" time- if one can call grocery shopping that.

The Rescuer-(or perhaps better put the Savior)- When I met my husband I was regaled with tales of how he had been hurt and abandoned by other women. His mother had abandoned him, girlfriends betrayed him etc. I could not fathom that such a kind man would be treated so horribly by people he loved and trusted. I was taken in by these sad tales and made it my mission to help him and befriend him so that he would know not everyone in life was awful. I supported him in a number of ways. I often came to his rescue financially and over the course of time I began to see this as my obligation. In many ways he told me it was, and I started to believe him. When his nature changed I was dumb founded. And I struggled for years upon years trying to figure out how to make him happy. He envelops himself in self pity and loves to tell you how he never had loving parents, supportive friends or the financial means that I had. So when he did not get his way, well that was my fault. For instance once he applied for a job which checked his driving record. He had $360 in unpaid tickets which constituted a bench warrant. If these tickets were not paid he had no chance of getting the job. He of course did not have the money to pay the tickets but I did. With his verbal judo he would tell me that since I had the money I should pay the tickets because otherwise I was being cruel and preventing him from being happy. And for some reason or another I felt like he was right. I did have the means while he did not and so I bailed him out. This has been the nature of our relationship for as long as it has been a relationship and it has broken in more ways than bankruptcy.

I have had this type of relationship with numerous people during the course of my life and I have often found that they are always available to take but never have anything to give. But I always am rushing to their aid because I feel it is my duty. I am not suggesting you should not be a good friend. But for myself, I need to be more mindful of who I keep company with.

I have attempted to leave my husband on more than one occasion. He is quick to remind me that it is my job to make him happy. He has threatened to kill himself if I leave. On more than one occasion he has done so infront of the children. I always respond in the same way. I back down and console him. I need to see this in myself- own it and know in the future he is not my responsibility.

The Prostitute- The prostitute compromises themselves for financial or other gains. I feel that I have been compromising myself for many years now. Since I have not had steady employment for I guess 3 years now, I have allowed my fear of not being successful and not being able to support my children run my life. I have allowed myself to be devalued, demoralized and emotionally abused because I fear my inability to provide for my children on my own. This is an aspect of my psyche which I MUST overcome if I am ever going to leave this relationship.

These to things are like chains around my neck depending on whether or not I am high or low. So I am making it my mission to work on me- stabilizing my mood so these aspects of my personality have little influence in my decision making. In the meantime, I will be exercising for comments ...Aren't you glad you read all that? Unlike Nicole, I will not be doing 5 minutes per comment not to exceed 60 minutes. I'm too fat and out of shape fo that. I'm starting with 2 minutes not to exceed 20 minutes. We'll see where it goes from there:)