Because I have gone absolutely mad tonight
posted by BiPolarGirl @ 12/15/2006 09:30:00 PM
Friday, December 15, 2006
Previous Posts
- In My Dreams
- Just a quick note
- Because I can't bring myself to say anything
- Why can't they make a pill...
- I can spell
- Feeling Like Crap
- That jackass
- The gregarious / anti-social predicament
- Trying to hold on to a feeling
- Just a poem
|
|
2 Comments:
I don't know how many times it's going to take for me to tell you that you deserve love, in a healthy way, before you actually believe it but we have to start somewhere. So hear me when I say that you deserve love. I'll be back to tell you again. Stay with us girl.
Nicole,
I know I do. It may not sound like it but I do know I deserve so much better than this. The task at hand seems overwhelming. It just that it is soooo hard being BP and having a husband who kicks you when your down. When you get up he'll kick you again to make sure you stay down.
So many times I have tried and failed. I start to think this is my lot in life. The last time I went to college and I started to go down hill, it would have been nice to have a husband who supported me- picked up some slack and tried to get me through the rough patches. He had agreed to change his schedule to watch the children while I was in class. Basically he always worked at night. And when things started to go bad he told me he couldn't watch them anymore and I should call my girlfriend who owns the preschool and see if the kids could go there. This meant I had to drive and hour and a half each day just to go to classes because her preschool is 40 minutes past the college and the college was 30 minutes from my house. He wouldn't help with the house work or the kids so I ended up studying at 1am in the morning. I didn't need this when I was already depressed and on the verge of dropping out.
You may give him the benefit of the doubt and think maybe he really did have to go back to a day shift. No he has done this kind of thing too me so many times I can no longer count. And he complains for weeks he can't take the kids another minute -somethings got to change and then as luck would have it he'll have a big meeting with his boss who'll tell him he has to go back to day shift. Years ago when I had a "real" job he promised to watch our son on Mondays-his day off, so our son would not have to spend so many days in daycare. But after a months worth of watching he found it was not his cup of tea and began having meetings or court or anything imaginable to manage getting out of watching our son. Later I found out he was spending his Mondays at his girlfriend's house.
The last job I had, he called me on my lunch break everyday and bitched and complained about having to watch the kids. Everyday he said the same thing. You're going to have to quit soon because the money is not worth this. These kids are driving me crazy, When I would get home he was such a dick it was unbelievable.
I don't have any family or friends who are closer than an hour away. I have absolutely no help other than my husband and for the most part he is no help. I start to think I'll just have to suck it up until the kids go to college but I don't think I can make it that long.
He magnifies all the pain I have and does his best to make everything impossible. I am filling out an app for nursing school. If I can get in I am going to shove more meds down my throat than my stomach can handle because this time I have to make it through.
Thank you for sticking with me. I really do appreciate your support. I have tried to comment on your blog but for some reason it won't let me. I don't know if its because its the beta version?? Just know I am there for you too. Thanks again.
Post a Comment
<< Home