5 am

It was roughly 5 am when I rolled over to look at the clock. I realized my husband wasn't home. Not to say working until 5am isn't common. It can be. It has been in the past...But my husband use to use his job as a cover for his affair and now I am left to sift through fact and fiction everytime he walks through the door.

I have never had an affair. I have wanted to. My husband would argue that my relationship with "Laney" was the same as having an affiar. I don't buy that. My relationship did not cause me to stay out at all hours of the night. I did not forgo any family activities because of my relationship. Laney knew I was married. I never lied and acted as though I was divorced- as my husband did.

Its hard sitting here bubbling over with emotion. Do you ignore it? Do you question it? Do you fight in front of the kids? My husband is never quiet, never discreet, and although he says he doesn't want to fight in front of the kids, he can not help but air out our laundry in front of them whenever he is given the chance.

I wish I would have left him when I found out. At the time I was so overwhelmed, I did not know what to do. I had just lost my job and within a few weeks later lost my husband too. I don't know how anyone ever repairs a marriage once one of the parties has committed adultery. I for one prefer the illusion of an unblemished marriage. And no matter what transpires this will always be between us. I will always no there was a period of time when he chose to be with someone else.

To a degree I take the blame. The blame for being in this situation-not for him cheating. I have this unfounded equation in my head. I have been through soooo much with my husband. I was always there for him when he needed me. I have drug him out of so many messes. I thought when someone stands by you after so many fuck ups, after its all said and done they are loyal to you. How can they not recognize what you have done? When anyone else would have left, how can they not recognize you have been the one holding their hand through it all. So it is mind boggling that after buying a house, having kids, and innumerable fuck-ups on his part, that he strays over a beer and whore who says he's hot. Then you realize the kids, the house, the history just doesn't measure up to an ego stoke. He argues that isn't how it is. How can I see it any other way? When you cancel a family vacation so you won't be away from your cunt mistress, how can I see it anyother way? When you come home and announce you don't love me anymore- you've met someone else, how can I see it any other way?

When can I get my new life? I am so tired of this one.