5 am
It was roughly 5 am when I rolled over to look at the clock. I realized my husband wasn't home. Not to say working until 5am isn't common. It can be. It has been in the past...But my husband use to use his job as a cover for his affair and now I am left to sift through fact and fiction everytime he walks through the door.
I have never had an affair. I have wanted to. My husband would argue that my relationship with "Laney" was the same as having an affiar. I don't buy that. My relationship did not cause me to stay out at all hours of the night. I did not forgo any family activities because of my relationship. Laney knew I was married. I never lied and acted as though I was divorced- as my husband did.
Its hard sitting here bubbling over with emotion. Do you ignore it? Do you question it? Do you fight in front of the kids? My husband is never quiet, never discreet, and although he says he doesn't want to fight in front of the kids, he can not help but air out our laundry in front of them whenever he is given the chance.
I wish I would have left him when I found out. At the time I was so overwhelmed, I did not know what to do. I had just lost my job and within a few weeks later lost my husband too. I don't know how anyone ever repairs a marriage once one of the parties has committed adultery. I for one prefer the illusion of an unblemished marriage. And no matter what transpires this will always be between us. I will always no there was a period of time when he chose to be with someone else.
To a degree I take the blame. The blame for being in this situation-not for him cheating. I have this unfounded equation in my head. I have been through soooo much with my husband. I was always there for him when he needed me. I have drug him out of so many messes. I thought when someone stands by you after so many fuck ups, after its all said and done they are loyal to you. How can they not recognize what you have done? When anyone else would have left, how can they not recognize you have been the one holding their hand through it all. So it is mind boggling that after buying a house, having kids, and innumerable fuck-ups on his part, that he strays over a beer and whore who says he's hot. Then you realize the kids, the house, the history just doesn't measure up to an ego stoke. He argues that isn't how it is. How can I see it any other way? When you cancel a family vacation so you won't be away from your cunt mistress, how can I see it anyother way? When you come home and announce you don't love me anymore- you've met someone else, how can I see it any other way?
When can I get my new life? I am so tired of this one.
4 Comments:
Oh, I am so sorry, and I really wish I knew what to say. I couldn't trust my first husband after the affairs. It had to be over, I would never get passed the betrayal. I just couldn't. Of course, I didn't have any children, so perhaps it would have been different if I had. I will never know.
Hey BP Girl
I know I have said this before and who the hell am I anyway to involve myself in your life, but I feel strongly you need to leave this abusive relationship. From all that you have written I just don't see him changing. Previously I have written about the single mom my wife and I have taken under our wing. We were able to get her out on her own away from this useless alcoholic who is the father of her son. We moved her around the 1st weekend of January and since then the change in her is amazing. Don't get me wrong she has stress worry and sacrifice, she gave up a house (provided by the alcoholic's enabling parents) a car, unlimited spending money, free daycare etc etc. However all of this came with a huge price, it was a prison, the "in-law" parents were intent on dumping their problem alcoholic child on her. They were controlling (tried to get her to sign away her custody rights). When we got her out she was cutting herself and writing profanities on her hands. Since then she has gradually rediscovered herself, she is lonely, but free, she is dependent (on welfare, and our church and us)but she is empowered as this aid comes without strings. She has almost nothing materially compared to 2 months ago but no realizes how much more she really has.
I know you are alone, our "adopted daughter" may still be in that relationship but for our intrevention, but there are people who can help you. Reach out to your church, to social assistance, women's shelters, leave this posionous relationship before it consumes you.
I will continue to pray for you BP Girl, know that God loves you and his Grace is suffecient. God does not command you to stay in this marriage, in the Sermon on the Mount Jesus makes clear that adultery is the only acceptable reason to disolve a marriage.
God Bless
KTF
Scott
be strong. you and your children deserve much better. protect yourself and protect your children. their little hearts and souls are the most important things in this world.
BPG, your husband is an abusive dick who treats you poorly because he thinks he has broken down your self-esteem to the point where you neither desire nor want better.
I feel strongly that your recovery, your sanity, your self -esteem, your peac of mind and hear is AWAY FROM HIM.
As loving, sweet and sincere as you are in your writing, I can only seeyour husband as an egotistical chauvanistic pig!
Sweety, start planning your exit.
Start saving money, getting your head right; you are now a chick on a mission to reclaim her sanity, her happiness and her life.
I'm sending courageous, patient, motivating heebeegeebees your way.
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