You'll Be Happy To Know....(only applies to a small fraction of this post)

I haven't drank any alcoholic beverages for the last three days. But I have been eating like a sow. Right now I am eating pancakes. I should be exercising but I have been reading and trying to get certified for a job that I hope to be starting within the next few weeks.

My nerves are still frazzled so now I am dealing with headaches. I realize my situation is probably more environmental than anything. I had mentioned in a previous post that my husband and I had been going through a legal ordeal which has yet to be settled. During the time he was not working a girlfriend of mine loaned us $5,000. She did this baring in mind that our issue would be resolved by October of this past year. I promised her it would be because that is what our attorney told us.

She is currently building a house to the tune of $500,000.00. She is over budget and is now considerably stressed out over the money I owe her. Consequently, I am stressed out over the money I owe her-obviously I should be. I am split straight down the middle with emotions because I know I owe her the money. I promised her the money. I wish I had never asked her for the money, but at the time we were severely behind on all of our bills and I was certain we would lose our house if something did not happen.

One day she calls me and tells me about how she has been furniture shopping. She bought a dining room table with a marble top and eight chairs to go around it. The grand sum of these things is more than what I owe her. She went to Cabo for Christmas. She has spent a lot of $$$ in the last several months and if I had that kind of cash it would carry me for a year. I find myself getting angry at her though I know I have no right to be. One minute she tells me not to worry about the money-she'll come up with the money she needs for closing. The next minute she calls and leaves me nasty messages about if I have heard anything -are we getting anything out of the settlement "because no news is bad news" for her. Now she will have to consider selling some of her things. Maybe I should drive over to her house and pick up some of her jewelry to sell on ebay-her words not mine. She makes me feel like an asshole. Part of me is embarrassed because I am not able to make due on my promise right now and part of me feels like if 5k is breaking you on closing a half a million dollar home, then maybe you shouldn't buy a half a million dollar home. Or maybe she could held back on the table.

If you have ever gone without a job for nearly over a year you know or perhaps someone might imagine the difficulty it puts you in financially. Everything that could go wrong did go wrong. When you have no money, that's when appliances break, pipes leak, cars need repairs. During that time I was in horrible pain but my doctor did not know why. He kept on insisting that my pain was from diverticulitis. I really had no idea what that was so I went home and checked WebMD. The description did not match me in anyway shape or form but he insisted I get a cat scan to the tune of $3200.00 when we had no health insurance. I could give you a list of bullshit that transpired during that time period but it would cause your eyes to twitch. All of our savings, retirement money everything is gone and I never imagined we would be in this position.

I went into this situation very faithful. Everything seemed very clear cut and I was positive that certain things would happen for us in a very timely manner. I was concerned, but not overly concerned because at that time in my heart I knew with certainty this was simply an obstacle we would overcome. Month after month things kept getting worse and I kept telling myself this was simply God's plan and in the end everything would work out. When I said God's plan what I meant was God was using this experience to teach us something, and something fruitful would come out of all of this- I did not mean God would try to break my back. And that is how I feel right now-like my back is broken. That is God's plan. He is trying to break me.

18 months later nothing is resolved. I am trying to figure out how to pay my water bill while she is flying to Cabo. In so many ways I am torn, I am angry, I am jealous. Its like that asshole prophet Rod Stewart said..."Some guys have all the luck, Some guys have all the pain, Some guys get all the breaks, Some guys do nothing but complain..." Obviously it need not be said who I am (if you can't figure it out, I'm the one with the pain who loves to complain).

I suppose I should be heading off to bed. I need to get a good night's sleep for yet another fruitless day :(

P.S. Please pray for me because for some reason God has stopped taking my calls.