Free...free at last! P.S. This might offend your sensibilities

My husband is back at work. Thank God. I have taken all I can take from him. For the several days he was off he spent most of his time in his reclining chair. I call it the captains chair because it is from the "captains' chair" that he barks out orders. I have spent the last few days catering to him and when it is all said and done I feel like I have an extra child to take care of and I am a single mother rather than a married woman.

Once again we fought about sex. He worked 2 late evenings in a row last week and when he arrived home I was of course in bed. Once he was off work he told me I would need to make it up to him. This infuriates me like nothing else. That evening we did have sex but the following day when I went to take shower and did not invite him to participate he became angry with me. Sometimes I wonder if I am the one who has the problem or if he is an over sexed asshole. I personally don't believe that you take showers together in the middle of the day when your children are at home. I understand that sometimes people might get a little wild and crazy because of schedules and what not and they do things they would not otherwise do if they had regular time for eachother. BUT it is my husbands expectation that we shower together when ever possible. My husband is also a big groper-which is another thing that I am sick of. I never get genuine affection from him but he does have his hand up my shirt whenever possible. I have gotten to a point where I am absolutely repulsed by him. I think he acts inappropriately for a man who is in his mid thirties and who has children at home and looming about.

I have told him on a number of occasions that this behavior is not normal. I tell him I do not know anyone else who is having sex with their spouse 7 days a week multiple times a day etc. He always asks how do I know what is normal. I tell him he should ask his friends because I am certain not one of their wives is having sex with them that often. He of course tells me that his friends wives all have jobs. What upsets me the most is how little he cares that I don't want to do it, or that I might be tired, or I might not feel good. I might have said this before but on one occasion I had a female issue which was making intercourse rather painful and I told him so. He insisted that we have sex anyways and told me a few days later that he knew I was in pain but he didn't care because sex is my job- I don't do anything else. I have such a distaste for sex I would consider becoming a nun.

So I keep praying that I find my way out of this marriage and in the process find my sanity. I am so relieved he is at work. It takes so much stress out of my day.

Anyhow, that is enough about him. I finished my Caroline mass book and I am thinking about casting my archetype wheel today. We'll see how that works since I need peace and quiet for the undertaking. I am also going to call the closest Dharma center to see if I can go to an orientation mediation class. I am doing a lot of these things in order to find some way to calm the storm inside me. I am trying to understand myself better and I am trying to find a way to cope with this when I am out in public and there are no glasses of wine available. I am still exercising. I have an ecliptical glider. Hopefully soon I will start using our bowflex.

It is so important that I find a way to feel good about myself. I keep thinking and thinking about the decisions I've made. As I have said before I have attempted to leave my husband on many other occasions but I always fail. I have can only conclude that I am dreadfully afraid of both success and failure. It is the same reason that for over a year now I have made little effort to find a job. It is the same reason that when I have had the opportunity to leave I haven't. Over the years I have pursued a number of things but when they do not go my way I never stick it out. I always consider it a sign from God that it was not meant to be- perhaps it should occur to me that somethings in life need to be worked for. I think in large my issue is I am embarrassed by the prospect of failure but at the same time horrified by the prospect of success. If I were to be successful I would have no more excuses as to why I do not leave- at which point I must make a change in my life. But change means a lot of things. It means a father getting weekend visitation of his kids. It means sharing holidays. Who would then mow the lawn or check the oil in my car? I know that is ridiculous but I feel like I do so much already how can I handle anything more? If I lost my job or became disabled, who do I then fall back on? There is no safety net. These are the fears that flood my mind.

I am a broken down house who is in desperate need of some rehab and I am trying to do everything I can to fix everything I can. Its not just the roof, its the plumbing, the electric the sagging floors- I guess what I am trying to say is that BP is a very large problem in my life but not my only problem and they all seem to be intertwined. A leak can be more than a leak. It destroys your plaster and causes your wood to rot. That's why I am trying to do an Xtream Psychological Make-Over.

My phone is ringing ...Rest assured I'll be back.