11 Minutes and Some More Psycho Babel

I will be exercising for 11 minutes tonight. We'll see how that goes. If you don't hear from me again, it is because I died from cardiac arrest.

So I am back on the archetypes. Another thing the book says it that you must look at the archetypes in terms of how you have used them to hurt others as well as how other have hurt you. I am crystal clear on how others have hurt me, but I have also given much thought to how I have used them to hurt others.

I know when I was younger I was quite cruel to a many number of young men I both dated and was friends with. If they showed any affection or admiration towards me I was often very rude and cold towards them. I could not understand why anyone would think anything of me if I had not yet "earned" their affection. I felt that to a large degree I had to prove myself and their interest in me should be based on the solid knowledge of me being interesting, creative, intelligent etc. How could they know this about me in what I consider relatively little time? Hence their interest in me was based largely on perception. To me this was weak and pathetic because if they thought more of themselves they would take greater care in who the kept company with. I know that probably sounds horrible but I am being truthful to the fullest extent.

As far as my relationship with my husband is concerned, it put me in the position of "earning" his love, trust and affection. This provided me with the validation I was seeking. My husband is no less an asshole but I must assume responsibility for the role I played, because if I am being honest I set it up this way and if it had not been with him I would be in a similar marriage with another man who behaves the same way.

When I was in high school I dated the same young man over the course of several years. We broke up when he was a senior but we still chased each other through college. I think back to how horribly cruel I was to him on what was probably a daily basis, and I feel very badly for it even now. There were many things that were very good and kind about him that I was unwilling to appreciate. It is very difficult to explain my feelings towards him, because I was very much attracted to him. I believe I was very much in love with him but at the same time I had absolutely no respect for him. There came a time when he would have nothing more to do with me. For a long time I believed that eventually he would come back around. I thought that we would someday get married. I often regretted my marriage because I believed that it prevented me from being with the person I truly did love- my old boyfriend. But if I am honest with myself, he and I may have gotten married but I would have eventually destroyed the relationship with my antics.

I think there is something to be gleaned from every experience in life whether it be good or bad. I know in my heart I could have never appreciate a genuine and kind man had I not been through what I have been through with my devil spawn husband. I don't know when I will finally find myself in a position to get a divorce but at least now I will be able to recognize the difference between good and bad men and I will appreciate the good ones.

Okay, so now I digress. I was wondering if anyone knows anything about dream interpretation? I have often had fortuitous dreams. They were never symbolic in nature. I have had dreams about my roof leaking and several months later my roof began to leak. I have had dreams where I am conversing with friends and they tell me a boyfriend is cheating on me and the very next day I had the very same conversation with the friends who appeared in the dream. I have had dreams about car wrecks and then the car wrecks occur. I could tell you about each incident but it would be several paragraphs. Anyhow, I had a dream where I am walking through a house. Everything inside the house would lead me to believe that the dream is taking place in colonial times (furniture, dress of the people inside the house etc) As I make my way through to the back door of the house I am met by three older women. They are all very short, fat and rude. They tell me over and over again that "he" did not love me. "He" could never love me and just so I know he tells all the girls he loves them. I have no idea who "he" is. As I walk outside I see a beautiful garden. It is very lush and very formal. There are buckets from plants and shovels and other things laying around. A man I do not recognize comes up to me and tells me its all for me because he he loves me. I hugs me and picks me up off the ground. In the dream I feel as though I know him but I can not place him outside of the dream. He is older with blonde hair. He is wearing jeans and a white t-shirt. Honestly, he looked a bit scruffy but he had on a very expensive watch. Anyhow, I was absolutely amazed that he had created this garden for me. But that was the end of the dream.

Several weeks later I had yet another dream concerning a garden. I was walking with many other women on the grounds of what seemed to be a very formal estate. There was an older woman who was our guide and she would stop and tell each woman she was responsible for a certain garden. Finally when it came to me we came to the biggest garden which happened to be a very large water garden. She said this one is all yours dear.

Both of these dreams have been bothering me because they seemed so real and because they seemed to be connected. But seeing how my yard is a wreck and I do not have a sugar daddy I am trying to figure out if they have some kind of symbolic meaning. So if anyone has any insight please put your two cents in. If nothing else it will cause me to exercise an extra 2 minutes...