This should have been about vitamins...

12 Minutes!!!!!!!!!!!

No comments today but I am not going to let you guys stop me- I'm going for 15 tonight!

Sometimes I don't know what to title my entries because they are such a hodge podge of nonsense. I wish I did not have to title them at all. Having a title puts a lot of pressure on me to pick a topic and stay on topic- if only in my mind.

I continue to check my e-mails. I wish I could stop. I have considered e-mailing "L" but I won't let myself do it. I hope I don't fail myself. Sometimes I just want a boost and I am hoping he can give it to me, but I know in reality he will take more from me than he ever intends to give and ever since the fallout there is no going back.

I've been looking online for a free online journal. If anyone has any suggestions please feel free to let me know. Sometimes I wish I had a place to document my thoughts - the ones I do not want to share. I know you are thinking a spiral notebook and pen would do but I learned a long time ago they are not safe from my husbands prying eyes.

I get sick of complaining about my husband here but I am less and less tolerant of his verbal abuse. Everyday I find myself getting angrier and angrier. If it weren't for him I would have some pretty good days but I am so sick of him telling me I'm stupid or calling me a plethora of other names. I want to show him my anger in a very physical way. It is all I can do to hold myself back.

Once again I asked to go to the store by myself to pick up batteries. Of course he would not let me. He said I am a horrible mother because I will not take the children to the store with me. I do and have taken the children a million times, but in all honesty I prefer not to. My daughter is out of control. She can not sit still for 2 minutes. When we are in a store setting she screams and yells and often hits me if she is not getting her way. On one occasion I put cookies in the cart and because I would not allow her to open them and eat them in the cart she bit me and then slapped me across the face. I was mortified to say the least. I have discussed this with our pediatrician who thinks this is something she will grow out of, and I should just give it time. In the meanwhile, I have shopping to do and I prefer to do it without the stress of her beating me up as we stroll through the store.

My husband told me I am a horrible mother and he sees plenty of other mothers with screaming children at the store. He of course will not take our daughter to the store because that is not "his job". He told me my only job is to be a housewife and I am horrible at it. Please know these comments are laced with F'ng and damn and sh#t all over the place. It is though he relishes having me in the car because it is his 15-60 minutes (depending on where we are going) to lay into me. He was also angry because when he came home from the gym I was on the phone with my father. And when he gets home I should have the good sense to tell my father he is home and I need to get off the phone. Instead I finished my conversation. I think it is rude to be abrupt with my father and the fact of the matter is I was only on the phone for a few minutes there after. He then told me its his phone because he pays for it- afterall he is the only one in this house with a GD job and next time he will take the phone out of my hands and hang it up for me.

That's the other thing that drives me nuts. Everything belongs to him. He makes sure to constantly tell me its his house, his car, his dishes, his computer, his whatever because he's the only person with a job. I haven't worked in three years but before that time I did have a job and that job paid quite a bit more than his job. It was my money we used for down payments on cars and on the house but I never made a point of telling him this belonged to me or that belonged to me because I made more money.

Anyhow, he told me he took tomorrow off. So he will be off the next four days which means I will be enduring four days of hell.

Earlier today I intended on making this post about some vitamins I am going to try after the new year. There seem to be several studies which show some vitamins are helpful in alleviating BP symptoms. In fact I had a post previously about a study on BP and vitamins. I'm most interested in zinc, omega 3, magnesium and another one I can not think of... I have no intentions of going off my meds but I need to do everything I can to stay out of a funk if I am going to leave this relationship. So I am creating a multi-faceted plan of attack to make sure I do not fail.... But in his usually way, my husband has pissed me off so bad I can not think of anything else.

I suppose I should stop bitching and get to exercising. To bad complaining doesn't increase your caloric burn rate