I'm Alive Scott

I am still alive. Nothing horrible has happened. I have spent the last few weeks working and doing a lot of reading. I am trying to change myself and my life and I just wanted to step away from this blog. For the longest time I have been struggling with a lot of things. My husband, my lack of employment, my on going fight with God. I come here and I complain a lot. I'd like to think in doing so I am cleansing myself to some degree. But really at the end of the day I feel like a keep feeding the monster within.

I have been very susceptible to the opinions of others for so long I have forgotten what it is to have any back bone or self respect. Every time I consider other options for my life and I convey my thoughts to a friend or family member, I can hear the disapproval in their voice. It seems to me those closest to me always have an agenda for me, and if my desires to not coincide with theirs they are quick to dismiss me, belittle me or take a condescending attitude towards me. I return here, to my den of sorts, and I let my self doubt incubate to the point that it flourishes.

I know I can be so much more than who I have been in years past. I know I can do more, accomplish more... And I have been staying clear from this blog for a while because I do not want to return only to continue on the same course.

When I started this blog I wanted it to be a place that I shared my experience, but more importantly I wanted to pass something along to those who are experiencing the same thing. There are times when your mind is like a prison. I wanted those who are less vocal about their experience to know it was ok. That no matter how shitty things get, the sun will still rise and set tomorrow. I wanted to pass on things that help-things that don't. I wanted significant others to understand what goes on inside our heads. Maybe it started out like that, but lately it has been a cry baby fest for me.

So from here on out I am going to make this my personal development blog. I am going to spend my time improving upon the person I am and walking towards the person I want to be. As for my short lived UTI blog, well, lucky for me I have gone nearly three weeks without one. Thank you cranberries, thank you garlic, thank you vitamin C, thank you golden seal, thank you water. Without you the bathroom and I would cease being friends.