Ohh How I Love Thee, Blog Patrol

I'm at it again. Looking at my stats once more today I see under my google search results...

how to get men to leave bipolar women

Whoever you are, where ever you are, I hope it is my husband whom you are trying to get to leave me. If this is the case, please allow me to help you in your endeavor.

1.) I'm flighty as hell
2.) I am as emotionally needy as I am unstable
3.) I'm fat, fatter, fatter, at my fattest...
4.) I have a very large wort on my heal
5.) I am ungrateful, lazy and by all accounts (well really his accounts) I am a horrible wife and mother
6.) I am single handedly responsible for all of his failures
7.) I spend most of my free time thinking, dreaming lusting after other men
8.) All of our financial woes- my fault. (Not his overspending but rather my inability to budget around his over spending)
9.) I would be perfectly happy to have him leave
10) When you finally do convince him, please remind him 50% of everything belongs to me


P.S. 50% of everything belongs to me ;)

With that being said I am still checking my e-mail fairly regularly, which I know is stupid but I can't stop. Most of the time I hate them equally but sometimes I just wish I had a dirty little secret, one that would level out the field. My husband is a chronic liar and constantly having to decifer what he says and does is exhausting. I caught him in a lie today. It was small to medium sized lie but after so many lies you wish there was something that would come out of his mouth that did not require questioning.

I am tired of how judgemental he is of others. He is always making comments about my friends husbands not being able to keep their dicks in their pants. I would not be so upset when he road on the high horse if it weren't for the fact that he was caught cheating as well. I know it wasn't the first time. It probably wasn't the last. It was merely the first time I had him in a position where he could no longer lie or turn the tables on me by screaming how affensive my accusations are when he works so hard for his family.

Around people he cares to impress he will smother me with compliments. He'll go on and on about what a wonderful wife I am and how blessed he is to have me. I have seen him through the good times and bad ...so many things he would not have surived had it not been for me-blah blah, blah. But behind closed doors or in the presense of those he care little for, his mouth is void of anything complimentary. I hate the show, I hate smiling like I am moved by his bullshit.

When someone makes it a practice to lie about most everything you can never trust them. You would like to believe that everyone has their limits. I would like to say "oh, he might lie about alot of things, but he's never lie about that..." The truth is he would lie about anything for reasons I can not even begin to understand. Nothing is more sacred than his preservation of self.
When its all said and done I know him better than anybody, and the fact the matter remains, I really do not know him at all.

P.S.S.

Because I have spent weeks pissing in everyones cherrios, I decided to add a link to something funny. I need to spice it up in here. Puddlejumper, I love you! Oh so funny...

http://puddlejumper.wordpress.com/mystalkercom-because-stalking-is-the-new-myspace/

Nasty Fatty

I have been thinking that I need to retool the Office Space quote. It should read (at least where I am concerned) "Each day you see me, it is the fattest day of my life. So everyday you see me, you know I am fatter than the day before." I think I have gained at least 10 lbs. Although one would think an increase would be motivation to decrease, I find it has the exact opposite affect on me.

Right now I am staring at the screen thinking to myself, I wish I could think of something to write about. You would think after several days I would have something to write about...At the end of the day I am tired of complaining but I have been experiencing a total lack of joy for so long I am completely inept when it comes to discussing anything that is not pure misery.

I am continuing to struggle with religion. I have not been to church in weeks. Right now I am content to believe that God doesn't answer prayers and all of life is suffering. I am so tired of nothing going my way and all my prayers falling on deaf ears. People love to say things like God answers you in his own way and in his own time. Just because your request was not answered as you wished it had been does not mean it went unanswered. There are times in my life I have believed that- but now is not one of them. I think all of life's disappointments would be easier to except if any pastor of any church said just once -ask and God might answer you, but understand he does things when and if he cares to, if he cares to at all.

I keep thinking about the 2 boys who were kidnapped and found. Their prayers were answered. What about the countless thousands of children who are never found? How does anyone explain this? How do you explain it to their parents? How do you tell Natalie Holloway's mother that her prayers have been answered. Yes Mrs. Holloway, your prayers have been answered-with contempt might I add. God heard every last word and though you asked for your daughter to be found you have been given something far better which is pain, suffering and a complete lack of peace in your life. Isn't the quote "ask and you shall receive?" Why are we always receiving things we did not ask for? Sometimes I think religion is a sham to sell God because on his own terms he is not very marketable.

If he reads blogs, I hope he reads this one. Hey God, guess what? Right now I am very fat and very pissed. Can you do anything about that?

I'mmm Baaaaaack

This is the longest I have ever gone without blogging. I never intended to go this long without a post. Last week my decided to come down with some disease-virus whatever. Then my husband was home Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and half of Wednesday. I thought I would never find my way back.

Things are shitty as usual. So shitty I don't even care to discuss it. I am glad to see that others can relate to the "stats"- google search words issue. I think I take issue with the fact that men are always looking for ways to qualify women as "crazy". They always fail to mention what leads up to the "crazy" episodes. My husband, then boyfriend use to love to tell me stories about his ex's and all of their crazy episodes. I felt so bad for him. How could these women be so crazy? Was he a crazy magnet? Now that I have been with him for far too many years I know he made them crazy because he is a class A dick. So let it be a warning to all of you who are looking for info on your crazy bitch girlfriend. If your girlfriend threaten to cut your throat after walking in on you with another woman-she's not crazy. You're a whore and a dick. I am sorry to be so harsh but lets give credit where credit is due.

I see today someone was looking for info on group homes for bipolars. Do people afflicted with bipolar need to live in a group home? I think that might be pushing it. Does such a thing exist? I will be conducting my own google search because now I need to find out. I have to cut it short for now but I will be back soon. Very soon.

Another No News Is Bad News Day

It is another no news day but I am going to try not to think about it. So on to something else.

I do use blogpatrol to check my stats. I think it is interesting to see how people find this blog, what they search under, and what country they are from. What I love most of all are the top ten google search words/phrases that lead people to this blog.

For instance...
I hate my psycho wife
Crazy bipolar bitch girlfriend
Trying to leave bipolar wife

Sometimes you might see:
Bipolar children
What is bipolar disorder
Bipolar and vitamins

But more often than not you see something a little more on the hateful side. So I looked at the stats today and I see the most recent google phrase search is "bipolar psycho woman". Now of course I have to tell you how I feel about that. There are certain ethnic groups in this country who use derogatory language amongst themselves. Using these phrases if you are something other than from that group of peoples is considered societal taboo. For myself personally, I consider "bipolar psycho woman" one of those phrases which is to be used amongst "my" people-particularly the word "psycho." Yes I am psycho. I earned the title rightfully so. I reserve that right to refer to myself as psycho and anyone else who possess traits much like my own, but I do find it offensive when the "non-psychos" use the word. Does anyone else feel this way? Or am I the only overly sensitive "psycho" in the room?

Has anyone seen the new Kleenex commercial with the people on the blue couch? I stinking love it!!! Love it!!! Love it!!!! I love the song. It is by a group called Starrfadu- I am so buying that CD (as I twirl my hair around my fingers).

I am going to hit the road. I should have waited and done this later. The kids are trying to burn down the house.

You'll Be Happy To Know....(only applies to a small fraction of this post)

I haven't drank any alcoholic beverages for the last three days. But I have been eating like a sow. Right now I am eating pancakes. I should be exercising but I have been reading and trying to get certified for a job that I hope to be starting within the next few weeks.

My nerves are still frazzled so now I am dealing with headaches. I realize my situation is probably more environmental than anything. I had mentioned in a previous post that my husband and I had been going through a legal ordeal which has yet to be settled. During the time he was not working a girlfriend of mine loaned us $5,000. She did this baring in mind that our issue would be resolved by October of this past year. I promised her it would be because that is what our attorney told us.

She is currently building a house to the tune of $500,000.00. She is over budget and is now considerably stressed out over the money I owe her. Consequently, I am stressed out over the money I owe her-obviously I should be. I am split straight down the middle with emotions because I know I owe her the money. I promised her the money. I wish I had never asked her for the money, but at the time we were severely behind on all of our bills and I was certain we would lose our house if something did not happen.

One day she calls me and tells me about how she has been furniture shopping. She bought a dining room table with a marble top and eight chairs to go around it. The grand sum of these things is more than what I owe her. She went to Cabo for Christmas. She has spent a lot of $$$ in the last several months and if I had that kind of cash it would carry me for a year. I find myself getting angry at her though I know I have no right to be. One minute she tells me not to worry about the money-she'll come up with the money she needs for closing. The next minute she calls and leaves me nasty messages about if I have heard anything -are we getting anything out of the settlement "because no news is bad news" for her. Now she will have to consider selling some of her things. Maybe I should drive over to her house and pick up some of her jewelry to sell on ebay-her words not mine. She makes me feel like an asshole. Part of me is embarrassed because I am not able to make due on my promise right now and part of me feels like if 5k is breaking you on closing a half a million dollar home, then maybe you shouldn't buy a half a million dollar home. Or maybe she could held back on the table.

If you have ever gone without a job for nearly over a year you know or perhaps someone might imagine the difficulty it puts you in financially. Everything that could go wrong did go wrong. When you have no money, that's when appliances break, pipes leak, cars need repairs. During that time I was in horrible pain but my doctor did not know why. He kept on insisting that my pain was from diverticulitis. I really had no idea what that was so I went home and checked WebMD. The description did not match me in anyway shape or form but he insisted I get a cat scan to the tune of $3200.00 when we had no health insurance. I could give you a list of bullshit that transpired during that time period but it would cause your eyes to twitch. All of our savings, retirement money everything is gone and I never imagined we would be in this position.

I went into this situation very faithful. Everything seemed very clear cut and I was positive that certain things would happen for us in a very timely manner. I was concerned, but not overly concerned because at that time in my heart I knew with certainty this was simply an obstacle we would overcome. Month after month things kept getting worse and I kept telling myself this was simply God's plan and in the end everything would work out. When I said God's plan what I meant was God was using this experience to teach us something, and something fruitful would come out of all of this- I did not mean God would try to break my back. And that is how I feel right now-like my back is broken. That is God's plan. He is trying to break me.

18 months later nothing is resolved. I am trying to figure out how to pay my water bill while she is flying to Cabo. In so many ways I am torn, I am angry, I am jealous. Its like that asshole prophet Rod Stewart said..."Some guys have all the luck, Some guys have all the pain, Some guys get all the breaks, Some guys do nothing but complain..." Obviously it need not be said who I am (if you can't figure it out, I'm the one with the pain who loves to complain).

I suppose I should be heading off to bed. I need to get a good night's sleep for yet another fruitless day :(

P.S. Please pray for me because for some reason God has stopped taking my calls.

Xtreme Psychological Makeover is going to Sh!t

I think I am tanking on my Xtreme Psychological Makeover. I cried and cried and cried last night and spent most of my evening drinking wine. Tonight I plan on washing down a few cream horns with some merlot. Funny how it goes from good to bad in a New York minute.

I don't want to go to the therapist. In large I don't want to go because I put my app in for nursing school and it asked if I had been diagnosed bipolar. Of course I had to answer yes. I spoke with someone from the school and she said it would not prevent me from being admitted but they would speak with my therapist and my shrink to make sure I take my meds and I haven't been hopsitalized and all that good stuff. I don't think it is prudent to tell the therapist everything sucks and the only thing that makes it better is cabernet sauvignon. I am sure he will make note of that. Love to mix those meds with a little drinkie drink- can I help you with that iv?

I love that movie Office Space, because I love this quote...

"So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's the worst day of my life. "

I don't sit in a cubicle but I do feel like that.

What has happened to the human race?

My nerves are on edge once more but it is not because of the BP but rather my interaction with my fellow humans that has left me with clenched teeth and balled up fists. Where shall I begin?

My husband and I live in an old home in a neighborhood of old homes. When we bought our house our neighbors consisted on retirees. This was fine by us because they were pleasant, generally kept to themselves and were always polite. Over the last few years we have watched our neighbors either die or be sent to nursing homes. There children inevitably sell their houses and someone comes along and divides the homes up into duplexes. I now have apartments on either side of my house. So far so good, my neighbors are middle aged and don't cause me any issues. But two years ago our one neighbor died who lived two doors down. His wife was sent to live in a nursing facility and the house was sold. Since then the house has been rented out to college students.

The house has a double decker porch. Consequently, I have come to expect double decker fun. I call the residents the "Mardi gras boys" because it reminds me of a scene out of New Orleans. In the summer tens of college students hang off the top porch screaming and yelling at people. They smoke pot and throw there beer cans at motorists and sometimes into my yard. Two summers ago my husband was sitting out on the porch talking on the phone when one of them walked by and peed on our rose bushes. He did not see my husband so my husband stood up and asked him what the hell he was doing. His response was to ask my husband what the fuck his problem was. I was raised by two Homo sapiens rather than members of the canis lupus family- so I know that A.) you don't piss in someone's yard and B.) if you do and get caught you apologize. My husband told him in cursed tones that he did not appreciate him pee'ing in his yard and to get the hell home. The young prince walked away and returned in front of my house with some 10-15 of his party going friends all looking to fight because my husband had rude words with their friend. Now I hear the screaming and yelling so I walk outside my house to see my husband being confronted by a small mob. I bring our German Shepard for good measure and I explain to the heathens that you don't piss in someone's yard and if and when you do you apologize. The one tenant came and apologized to me and kept telling me how sorry he was and it would never happen again. I told him that I expect him and his friends to act like gentleman. I understand their desire to party but not to the extent that it infringes upon the preservation of my property, my safety or the general tranquility of my home. He agreed to keep everyone inside and that was the end of that.

Throughout the summer we often heard them being loud but we did not bother with them. Then when winter came and they kicked over our mailbox breaking it into two. At this point I called their landlord who was was perfectly surprised by the behavior I described. After all one of the renters is an EMT. I told her from now on when they are a problem I will be calling the police.

Time wears on and nothing happens other than the expected disturbances. Which leads me to New Years Eve. We expected them to have a party. We hoped they would keep it indoors. But at 1 am as we lie in bed there are two men screaming and yelling and fighting with each other directly in front of our house. My husband goes outside and yells at them and they apologize and say they are going home and they are very sorry to have woken us up. Now the rest of the house makes their way out onto the lawn. Screaming and yelling. My husband goes down and tells them to take the party inside or leave. They of course tell him to fuck off and what is he going to do about it blah blah blah. My husband never tells anyone he's a Cop because in the past he has had problem neighbors calling and saying he is harassing them the minute they are acting like assholes. I watch from the porch as more than 15 people gather around him screaming and yelling. My husband says he is going to call the cops and one of them screams "go ahead and call the cops." He then does. Three cruisers pull up in front of the house and half of them jump into cars and drive off.

The police have been called to this house a million times. Not by us but by the other neighbors. I would not be so angry if when they are being disruptive they simply went inside and apologized for waking us up, waking the children etc. But its the fuck off attitude coupled with the gang mentality that leaves me raw.

Moving on... I have had a penpal so to speak for two years now. Our conversations are short and meaningless and I am not certain why I continue. He lives in England and initially I thought it would be fun to talk to someone overseas. On numerous occasions he has sent me community invites but I do not accept. I am not very big on the myspace type thing. I do have an account but I don't want to "chat" and load a bunch of pictures and create get to know me questionnaires for everyone. Sometime ago he sent me a short e-mailing advising he had taken a trip to Thailand. When I asked what for, he responded by saying it was for both business and pleasure. Now maybe I am too sensitive but it sent chills down my spine because Thailand is known for its sex trade in children. I assume you can find legal aged hookers in England so I am uncertain why one would need to travel to the east. I tried to shrug it off. Sorry that I digress-back to the invite. I accepted invite and later found out that the site I received an invite from is a "teenager networking site". And several of his circle of friends fall into the teenage category. He is nearly 40. Why in the world is he talking to teenagers? I cancelled my account but I am sick to my stomach.

Now for this evening...I took my children to the library. As we got out of the car there were two men fighting in the parking lot. There was a lot of "you punk bitch, fuck you bitch, don't call me a bitch, bitch" type of thing going on. I try not to cuss in front of my kids - though I know I do cuss here regularly :( The one got in his car and the other continued to walk towards the library. He kept turning around screaming at the other guy but now he was right beside me. I said "hey, my children are standing here- have a little respect." He told me I didn't need to get "all up in his business." I then said, "THIS IS THE LIBRARY." Just then a police officer and a security guard came up to him and told him he had to leave. Of course his mouth ran a muck with the officer as well, but the children and I went inside. I truly hope the officer took his asp out and cracked his shins with it.

I have a hard time understanding a lot of the 20 somethings and below. My mother raised me to say yes ma'am, no ma'am, no thank you ma'am, yes sir, may I... I was never perfect but I knew better than to talk like trailer trash in a public place. How you speak between the 4 walls of your own home is one thing but you do not offend the ears of others unless circumstances insist upon it- and that's in the rarest of situations like someone's beating up your child or your being mugged -something like that.

With that being said I have been working hard to find my inner calm and in honesty I am as pissy as I ever was. Hopefully, the next few days will be calmer.


Love, Light and Peace.....:)

Free...free at last! P.S. This might offend your sensibilities

My husband is back at work. Thank God. I have taken all I can take from him. For the several days he was off he spent most of his time in his reclining chair. I call it the captains chair because it is from the "captains' chair" that he barks out orders. I have spent the last few days catering to him and when it is all said and done I feel like I have an extra child to take care of and I am a single mother rather than a married woman.

Once again we fought about sex. He worked 2 late evenings in a row last week and when he arrived home I was of course in bed. Once he was off work he told me I would need to make it up to him. This infuriates me like nothing else. That evening we did have sex but the following day when I went to take shower and did not invite him to participate he became angry with me. Sometimes I wonder if I am the one who has the problem or if he is an over sexed asshole. I personally don't believe that you take showers together in the middle of the day when your children are at home. I understand that sometimes people might get a little wild and crazy because of schedules and what not and they do things they would not otherwise do if they had regular time for eachother. BUT it is my husbands expectation that we shower together when ever possible. My husband is also a big groper-which is another thing that I am sick of. I never get genuine affection from him but he does have his hand up my shirt whenever possible. I have gotten to a point where I am absolutely repulsed by him. I think he acts inappropriately for a man who is in his mid thirties and who has children at home and looming about.

I have told him on a number of occasions that this behavior is not normal. I tell him I do not know anyone else who is having sex with their spouse 7 days a week multiple times a day etc. He always asks how do I know what is normal. I tell him he should ask his friends because I am certain not one of their wives is having sex with them that often. He of course tells me that his friends wives all have jobs. What upsets me the most is how little he cares that I don't want to do it, or that I might be tired, or I might not feel good. I might have said this before but on one occasion I had a female issue which was making intercourse rather painful and I told him so. He insisted that we have sex anyways and told me a few days later that he knew I was in pain but he didn't care because sex is my job- I don't do anything else. I have such a distaste for sex I would consider becoming a nun.

So I keep praying that I find my way out of this marriage and in the process find my sanity. I am so relieved he is at work. It takes so much stress out of my day.

Anyhow, that is enough about him. I finished my Caroline mass book and I am thinking about casting my archetype wheel today. We'll see how that works since I need peace and quiet for the undertaking. I am also going to call the closest Dharma center to see if I can go to an orientation mediation class. I am doing a lot of these things in order to find some way to calm the storm inside me. I am trying to understand myself better and I am trying to find a way to cope with this when I am out in public and there are no glasses of wine available. I am still exercising. I have an ecliptical glider. Hopefully soon I will start using our bowflex.

It is so important that I find a way to feel good about myself. I keep thinking and thinking about the decisions I've made. As I have said before I have attempted to leave my husband on many other occasions but I always fail. I have can only conclude that I am dreadfully afraid of both success and failure. It is the same reason that for over a year now I have made little effort to find a job. It is the same reason that when I have had the opportunity to leave I haven't. Over the years I have pursued a number of things but when they do not go my way I never stick it out. I always consider it a sign from God that it was not meant to be- perhaps it should occur to me that somethings in life need to be worked for. I think in large my issue is I am embarrassed by the prospect of failure but at the same time horrified by the prospect of success. If I were to be successful I would have no more excuses as to why I do not leave- at which point I must make a change in my life. But change means a lot of things. It means a father getting weekend visitation of his kids. It means sharing holidays. Who would then mow the lawn or check the oil in my car? I know that is ridiculous but I feel like I do so much already how can I handle anything more? If I lost my job or became disabled, who do I then fall back on? There is no safety net. These are the fears that flood my mind.

I am a broken down house who is in desperate need of some rehab and I am trying to do everything I can to fix everything I can. Its not just the roof, its the plumbing, the electric the sagging floors- I guess what I am trying to say is that BP is a very large problem in my life but not my only problem and they all seem to be intertwined. A leak can be more than a leak. It destroys your plaster and causes your wood to rot. That's why I am trying to do an Xtream Psychological Make-Over.

My phone is ringing ...Rest assured I'll be back.