My Horse Maisy

When I was a little girl I had a horse. She was a pure bred arabian. I had no business having such a horse, but my father had done business with an arabian horse breeder and so it was determined that was the breed of horse I would get. My horse was a mere year old when I got her, and she grew to be 16 hands high. My parents were not "horse people" and in lacking wisdom they believed they had created a magical relationship between horse and girl- much like you would see in the movies. She and I would grow up together, grow old toghether and through the process learn together.

I found early on Maisy was not keen on this idea. She was wild eyed with a fiery spirit, and the first time I took her out into the arena she reared up on me. I screamed as what appeared to be a massive hoof to my nine year old eyes clipped my arm. She did not hurt me, but she scared me and I never forgot that moment. My parents intended for me to show her. So I took riding lessons. I rode every horse at the stable, but I would not ride my own. In time my confidence grew and I thought it was time that begin to ride my horse. It should have been no surprise she bucked and reared all over the arena and it would be a long time before I would ride her again.

When I reached high school my father told me he would no longer pay to board my horse. I rarely went to see her, hardly ever rode her, had never shown her and it was time to relinquish the expense. I cried myself sick because long before my parents bought her she had been my dream. Funny how dreams when translated to reality are never quite the same thing.

My best friend had horses. Her parents had a barn and pasture and they agreed to take my horse. She and I spent nearly everyday together and so we rode together. I would start out on my horse but within 10 minutes I would ask her to trade horses-she had no fear. Over the next 3 years Maisy would knock me off too many times to count. Deep inside myself, though I would never say it out loud, I did not like that overpriced jackass of a horse.

One day when I was a senior in high school my girlfriend asked me if I wanted to go riding. She laughed as she asked if I wanted to ride my own horse. I took a moment and thought to myself, I have been thrown off, stepped on, occassionally kicked, what more could this horse do to me? I decided nothing. I decided she would not throw me off anymore. I got on her no more accomplished or skilled and stayed on until she grew tired of being a jerk. After that we had a very nice ride. My girlfriend was utterly dumbfounded. She asked,"what got into you?" I told her Maisy was not going to run the show anymore. And that was the end of that.

9 years of fear kept my dream from becoming reality. I think of all the rides we could have had, had I not let fear rule my life. As I said before, I was no more skilled, no more accomplished. The only thing that had changed was my mind.

Breathe

The last couple of days have been rather rough. Not for an particular reason. I have been experiencing a lot of anxiety. It's the kind that wakes you from your sleep in a panic. I lie in bed and take a few deep breaths and hold them, slowly exhaling until I find my mind and my pulse slowing down.

Things come up -obstacles and dilemmas and I just keep telling myself it does not matter. Every time I find myself dwelling on the past or things I can not immediately change, I tell myself I am better served using that time and energy to move forward.

Everyday I find that redirecting my thoughts has gotten me more mileage than anything else I have ever done. There is no safety clause. I no longer say Oh, I'll try this for a while and see how it goes. Instead I tell myself I am doing this until I succeed. Everyday I give a little more, and surprisingly I am getting a little more.

I have also been listening to a Paraliminal CD I bought off of ebay. I can't tell you it has any magical powers, but it does help me clear my mind and I find I am able to focus more clearly. Whatever science behind the recordings, whether it is bogus or not does not matter. If you begin to achieve something for no other reason than you believe in something, the reasons for success are far less important than the success itself.

I am probably coming off half baked right now but this is the first time in a long time I have had a sense of direction and purpose. More importantly, a lasting sense of purpose and direction. So if nothing seems to be working for you, it never hurts to try something new. Even better it costs nothing. Create a statement for yourself. Define your true self and all the things you wish to accomplish. Sum it up into a few sentences and when you feel like you are losing control repeat those sentences in your mind over and over again until you find yourself in a more manageable state. Do it in the morning. Do it when you go to bed. Do it every time you are filled with self-doubt, self-hate, confusion and despair. Do it over and over and over again and slowly you will find it becomes you.

Butterfly and Nicole, thank you very much for your comments :)

Think and Grow Rich- What it means to me

I picked up a copy of Think and Grow Rich at my local library. It is one of the better books I have recently read. It made me think long and hard about the issues that have been plagueing me for quite some time. The book talks about how people create self fulfilling prophocies because of their negative attitudes... that we fail to define what it is we want in life and waste our time hoping wishes become reality. The idea spoke very loudly to me because I am that person. I am constantly expecting failure and hoping for a miracle. Many times I have posted and named various things that I planned to do to change my lot in life. None of which ever included changing my mindset. So I might start doing yoga and or taking herbs, and in my mind I am thinking this crap probably isn't going to work, but cross my fingers I hope it does. When it doesn't work I think to myself, of course it didn't work. God, hates me and that's why he refuses to allow me any crumbs or success or happiness- why would I expect the 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 time to be any different?

Napoleon Hill believes man finds his success when he finds something he feels so passionate about he will stake all that he has for it. So the question is, do I desire change so badly I will give all that I have in the pursuit of happiness or die trying? I decided the answer is yes. So now when I am having those self defeating conversations with myself, I stop and refocus on other things. I put my energy towards moving foward. I remind myself repeatedly of my goals throughout the day and I tell myself if I persist there is no way I can fail.

I still have the same problems. My husband is a dick. I'm broke. I'm half nuts. But when I dwell upon those things, 5 minutes later he's still a dick, 5 more minutes later I'm still broke, now 5 more minutes later I'm still half nuts and 15 minutes later I have lost 15 minutes of my life. Now I have a savings account I am putting money into, now I have a job I am trying very hard to make work, now I am creating a blueprint for my future. To many people it probably does not seem like much. To me its progress that I know will build and build. Hope all is well with everyone. Thank you or your comments. I really do appreciate you guys putting up with me;)