The New UTI Blog

*****If you're a man, turn away. This post is not for you.*****

I have been dealing with UTI issues forever now. Well, not forever-since 2005. Prior to that year I never had them and since that year I can't seem to get rid of them. When they first started they began as mildly uncomfortable and progressed if they went ignored. The point being is that I had plenty of warning to do something about them before the situation became severe. But now they come on out of nowhere accompanied with horrible pain. I use to find fairly quick relief in cranberry juice but now its effect is far less. For the past week I have been taking cranberry juice, garlic, vitamin c and echinacea-golden seal like it is going out of style. While the symptoms have lessened it is definitely still there. I suppose I should go to the doctor but I get tired of taking their crappy pills that cost 20 bucks and never really solve any of my problems. In the meantime I have been searching the Internet looking for other UTI cures. I have seen drinking a mixture of baking soda and water on several boards. Isn't baking soda alkaline? I thought the purpose of drinking cranberry juice was that it increased the acidic nature of urine and destroyed the bacteria causing the infection. Is someone throwing a monkey wrench in my UTI belief system?

In addition to this female problem I have yet another dilemma. I keep getting cysts on my ovaries. I don't know why God is trying to turn me asexual. What did I do to deserve all this? The husband, the cysts, the husband, the UTI...the husband. When does it end.

All this suffering in my lower 48 has left me to think about my eating habits. I have been trying to eat healthier this week. I have been eating alot of veggies, South Beach Diet frozen dinners and a tasty little treat called detox soup. My efforts have produced a UTI infected gas bag of a body. If anything, the gas has to go away. Right? Right? My mother has been a vegetarian since she was 5 years old and she isn't stinking up the house every 5 minutes.

Adding to my cornucopia of herbal delights, I began taking gotu kola and ashwagandha. They are supposed to relieve stress and anxiety and improve mental clarity. Shhh...ashwaganda also supposed to make me like sex again. But at the rate I am farting that will never happen :)

On a positive note I have not drank a cup of coffee in the last three days. What's so amazing about that? Well I typically drink 2-3 pots a day. I know you are probably thinking, 'Hey, maybe your not bipolar. Maybe you drink to much damn coffee.' I drink that much and I am still tired, and if I don't drink that much I usually get a migraine and eventually throw-up. So it defies reason how i have gone 3 whole days without so much as a minor pain in my temple. But I will take it and run with it.

Well that's my "New UTI Blog." I will continue to keep you posted on the health and well being of my crotch. Any suggestions, any remedies, please feel free to advise:)

Thank you

Scott,

I was very happy to see your post. It has been a while since I have heard anything from you. Absences always have me worried. I want you to know I think of you often and always hope you are well.

Nicole,

I really do appreciate all of the support you have given me. It seems that you are always in my corner cheering me on and it means the world to me- so thank you very much.

Thank you everyone. I mean it from the bottom of my heart, because there are so many times when I have needed you and just knowing that you are there fuels me to continue on this arduous journey.

This post is probably coming off on the freaky side. It is certainly not my intention. I have put off posting this week because I am trying my best not to continue with my habit of negative posts. As always I have tons to complain about but for the hundredth time I am trying to turn a new page.

I read a quote somewhere that said (i paraphrase)...even a jet has to take off against the wind. I think I have false expectations of a magical formula that leads to an easy and unchallenged life. I have continued to give much thought to my religious beliefs and I am coming to place of comfort and relief in a more Buddhist approach to life. I have bought into the notion that God is a magical fairy who exists to make my dreams come true if only I knew how to approach him or communicate with him. Time and time again I have been disappointed when my prayers have fallen on deaf ears. So I am now excepting that life is full of trials and no promises that God will come to the rescue and save the day. This is the test we all face in life. When we realize our purpose we can remove disappointment from our lives. Our purpose is to move forward and evolve without the promise of reward. That is exactly what I am trying to do.

Currently I am working from home. I am looking for other wah opportunities. My hope is that within the next year I will achieve a full time income from my efforts. I am doing my best to eat better- although I did just eat some oreos :( Just plugging away- trying to focus my energy. Its the only way things are going to get better...

5 am

It was roughly 5 am when I rolled over to look at the clock. I realized my husband wasn't home. Not to say working until 5am isn't common. It can be. It has been in the past...But my husband use to use his job as a cover for his affair and now I am left to sift through fact and fiction everytime he walks through the door.

I have never had an affair. I have wanted to. My husband would argue that my relationship with "Laney" was the same as having an affiar. I don't buy that. My relationship did not cause me to stay out at all hours of the night. I did not forgo any family activities because of my relationship. Laney knew I was married. I never lied and acted as though I was divorced- as my husband did.

Its hard sitting here bubbling over with emotion. Do you ignore it? Do you question it? Do you fight in front of the kids? My husband is never quiet, never discreet, and although he says he doesn't want to fight in front of the kids, he can not help but air out our laundry in front of them whenever he is given the chance.

I wish I would have left him when I found out. At the time I was so overwhelmed, I did not know what to do. I had just lost my job and within a few weeks later lost my husband too. I don't know how anyone ever repairs a marriage once one of the parties has committed adultery. I for one prefer the illusion of an unblemished marriage. And no matter what transpires this will always be between us. I will always no there was a period of time when he chose to be with someone else.

To a degree I take the blame. The blame for being in this situation-not for him cheating. I have this unfounded equation in my head. I have been through soooo much with my husband. I was always there for him when he needed me. I have drug him out of so many messes. I thought when someone stands by you after so many fuck ups, after its all said and done they are loyal to you. How can they not recognize what you have done? When anyone else would have left, how can they not recognize you have been the one holding their hand through it all. So it is mind boggling that after buying a house, having kids, and innumerable fuck-ups on his part, that he strays over a beer and whore who says he's hot. Then you realize the kids, the house, the history just doesn't measure up to an ego stoke. He argues that isn't how it is. How can I see it any other way? When you cancel a family vacation so you won't be away from your cunt mistress, how can I see it anyother way? When you come home and announce you don't love me anymore- you've met someone else, how can I see it any other way?

When can I get my new life? I am so tired of this one.

Ants in my Pants

For the first time in a long time I have a free Monday evening. My husband is working this evening which leaves me here to type away. I find as time goes on it is getting harder and harder to blog. I feel rather antsy about it. I think when I began this process I was looking for yet another miracle. I was hoping for this break through moment where everything would become clear to me and would move on with my life putting this bipolar crap behind me-wishful thinking. But the days come and go and everything pretty much stays the same.

I am not saying that blogging doesn't help. It certainly does. I get the most out of the sense of a greater community. I like knowing there are other people in this world just like me. I like knowing that I can come here and bitch and for the most part the people who visit understand. In that regard I find it far more helpful than the therapist.

The therapist has a textbook understanding of my issues. He can define depression, anxiety and mania but that's not to say he understands it. I think to understand it you need to feel it. To a degree I believe everyone can take moments of their lives and piece together an assemblence of our world. For instance, someone might relate to my depression by relating it to the feelings they had when a family member died. The sadness is parrallel but what do you do when it does not go away? What if every year for atleast 3-4 months out of the year, you feel like grandma died. What if every year, 6 months out of the year, you feel like your father died? Just about eveyone has been anxious at a job interview. But what happens when the anxiety does not subside? Does my therapist know how exhausting it is to carry that sense of fear and urgency with him for days and weeks on end? So I come here and find the few people who know exactly what I mean when I say it. They know exactly how I feel and I no longer have to feel alone.

I am tired of the stasis. I am tired of the low. It is incomprehensible that I have gone so long without a high. I would like to come here and write on a high. I would like to come here drunken with bliss, enthusiasm, pure ignorance and abandoned inhibition. I need that "I can do anything feeling", but it escapes me day after day. I wish there was a way to force it out into the open, wake it up, stir it from its slumber. I wonder what I could be capable of it only I could function on an even keel.

I have grown tired of listening to myself bitch. It seems as though I could bitch and bitch and bitch and the well of bitch inside of me never runs dry, just fills up again with some more bitch. I'm tired. I am going to go to bed. Maybe tomorrow will be the beginning of something different. Maybe tomorrow that pink haired girl will pay me a visit. She's looks and sounds just like me but she so much more fun.

F' the Police

People love to ask me how to get out of speeding tickets. For whatever reason they think there is a code word or secret handshake used amongst of wives and officers which prevent us from getting tickets. I have been let off many times. I have also been treated like complete garbage because some deputy or trooper wants to make it clear that I will be getting no special treatment. I never make it a point to tell them I am a cop's wife. There is an FOP plaque on the back of my car. If they ask, they ask. If they don't, I don't bring it up.

Yesterday I was pulled over for speeding. The kind officer asked where my husband worked. This aggravates me because they never ask if I'm the cop. How do they know I'm not the cop?? Why do they always assume it is my husband or my father? I told him where he worked but for some reason it did not register with him and he proceeded to tell me that I can't have an FOP plaque on my car. I told him I have it because my husband IS a cop. For whatever reason I think he was itching to write me for displaying a law enforcement symbol. Then he told me just because he is one doesn't mean he's allowed to speed. I am unclear as to why he said that seeing that I was the party driving the car. I should have told him that my husband was a horrible speeder and he should go ahead and make the ticket out to him because maybe he would finally learn his lesson. Anyhow, I gave him my license. I recently had a birthday and forgot to renew it- I can't really say I forgot because for some reason I was certain it wasn't due until next year. He let me go on the speeding but wrote me for no ops which is an M1 in Ohio. What a nice little bastard. I got my license renewed a few hours later, but now I have to go to court.

So if you are looking to get out of a ticket, remember some of them are nice and some of them just aren't. If you are looking for me, you can find me on Morpheus. I'll be downloading my new going to the grocery store theme song .... F' the Police

Secrets of Success

I would tell you that I'm not dead but that line is a little dead at this point. I have started working from home which has put a monkey wrench in my time management. My free time that I use to set aside for blogging is now used for working and all other time is with my children. Of course my husband still poses a problem. I can not blog when he is here.

I received a card in the mail concerning a test I need to take before being admitted into nursing school. I am debating as to that I should do. This is the part I really hate about myself. Whenever I think I have something figured out the doubt creeps back in or my priorities change. I am so non committal to just about everything and I don't know how or why I got this way. When I was a kid I was on swim team. I swam in the winter. I swam in the summer. I swam in the morning and I swam at night. 4 + hours of my day went to swimming for years But now I can't commit to anything. I worked for the same employer for 7 years but now I can't commit to anything.

I have considered nursing numerous times for the course of several years. I think that a person pursing such a field should be passionate about there career. People are expecting a great deal from you both physically and emotionally. But I can not say I am passionate. I considered the field in large because 4 1/2 years ago, when I lost my job I applied for unemployment and was told that I should consider training for nursing or truck driving because those where to two largest and continually growing employment sectors for good ol' Ohio. Nothing against trucking, but its not my cup of tea. I have difficulty keeping my mid sized sedan on the road when it snows- god help me if I were behind the wheel of an 18 wheeler.

I started paying attention to the largest ads in the paper. More often than not they were for trucking or nursing. Not only were they hiring nurses, they were offering 3, 5 in some cases 10k bonuses if a nurse signed on. When I began googling the future prospects of nursing, all fingers point to a impeding nursing shortage due to the aging baby boomers. And I started to think maybe this is what I need to do. They pay well, have good benefits and there is definitely job security. But the fact of the matter is I still cringe when I watch Dr. 90210 or Untold Stories of the ER.

My desire to be a nurse needs to come from something greater than the need for a paycheck. And so I sit here trying to figure out what to do with my life. I want to work from home and I want to find a responsible a way to earn reasonable income. I just haven't figured it out yet. I just know that I do not want to drive 60 miles one way into the city. I don't want to be an hour + away from my kids when they need me.

When I was younger I thought money was everything and it still carries a lot of weight in my life. I have come from an upper middle class household. I know I enjoyed that life far more than the one I am living now( in terms of the $$$), but I am unwilling to make the trade for it. I hate the idea of having my children miss out on soccer and dance so that in exchange they can have all the xbox games they want and are always guaranteed 2 weeks at Disney. Is there a formula to having it all? If so can someone share it with me?