Why Nice Guys Finish Last

Why Nice Guys Finish Last


Several years ago I had a conversation with one of my former co-workers concerning why nice guys always finish last. He had been dating two women at the same time and was far more interested in one over the other. He explained that he went out of his way to be particularly nice to the girl he liked. When she was sick he brought her homemade chicken noodle soup. He would often buy her flowers, make her dinner and buy her little tokens of his affection. But she treated him with indifference. She would comment as to what a nice guy he was but that did not translate into real romantic interest.

On the other hand the second girl called him constantly. She continually asked that they spend more time together. She would often do things for him that went largely unappreciated. He said he honestly did not want to see the second girl anymore, but no matter how rude or unresponsive he was she would just try harder.

I explained to him I was about to give him a golden nugget of wisdom that probably most women would never give him. I also explained that this information was mainly true for women who were 20 somethings. Women in general have low self esteem. I, myself, have low self-esteem-but not so low I can’t admit to it :) We like to feel special. Now this would seem to conflict with why nice guys finish last, but to fully understand my theory you must realize that nice guys don’t make girls feel special.

Nice guys are called nice guys because it is assumed with great certainty they are nice to everyone. They have many women “friends” because they act as stand ins. Nice guys listen to all of your problems, they do nice things for you-like bring you chicken soup. The fact of the matter is that they treat each woman with this same brand of kindness and treating all of us the same does not equate to being special. When you meet a “nice guy” you know it was not your charm, nor ravishing beauty which inspired his kindness but rather it is simply part of his make-up.

Women are drawn to men whom they feel they have won over. It gives them a sense of being worthy. I told him if he wanted the first girl to like him he would need to start being stand-offish. I suggested he not call her again and wait for her to call him. I told him not to ask her out anymore and if she asked him to do something he was to act like he had plans but he would see if he could work her in-maybe, maybe not. I told him to act like this for 4-6 weeks. Over that course of time he would begin to see a difference in her attitude. Once that occurred he could go back to his old “nice guy” self.

He of course did not believe this. And being a moron he even told her about my theory. She of course was appalled that another woman would say such a thing. I am sure she thought I was some sort of sexist nazi bitch. She said that would never work on her or any other woman, and it was unfathomable that I would say such a thing.

I told her it did not matter what she said, just do it anyways and see what she does. No woman in her right mind is going to vocally agree with me. Aren’t we all supposed to be strong and liberated?? So he did just what I told him to do. Within a week or two she was calling him. She was asking him to come over. She wanted to go out every weekend, and if he said he already had plans, that was okay with her, he could come over after that. He told me the change in her was dramatic, in fact the attention she was now giving him was almost annoying.

Young women are very child-like in some regards. We want to win a prize. As a child there is nothing you hate more than to participate in a contest where ultimately everyone receives a prize simply on the basis of participation. As you grow older you grow tired of games. The problem is, by the time we are smart enough to know better we are already deeply entwined in bad relationships.

I see this in myself and my circumstances identical in many regards as the story I told above. When I met my husband he was very charming. I enjoyed his company and could not believe the lengths he went to go out of his way for me. But on the topic of actual feelings, I was somewhat indifferent. He was almost too nice. Months into the relationship he changed and changed dramatically. Unlike my friend he never went back to his “nice guy” self. I spent years trying to recreate those first few months because I needed to be validated. I needed to know I was worth the adoration. I needed him to return to his nice guy self because I was worth it.

It is hard taking an honest look at yourself. It goes back to my previous post of perceived self and actual self. I have a face I present to the outside world. That woman is often outragous, outspoken and very strong minded. When people meet my husband they can not reconcile how I am married to that man. The fact of the matter is, maybe I am not who I appear to be…