Hodge Podge of Posts and I Can’t Stop

I have been feeling pretty good lately. I can’t say I am on a full fledged high but I have had a lot more energy and I have been spending more time getting more things done. I have been spending a great deal of time writing and drawing and reading. I have been averaging 5 -6 hours of sleep and I keep on going.

I am sure some of the people reading this blog wonder why I write it. I take about being bipolar and I go off course and then I talk about bipolar again. My life is vast and has multiple layers. I am not just bipolar I am a lot of other things, including a mother, a wife, a daughter, sister.

I look at this blog as therapy for me. When I was younger I kept a journal and I wrote in it daily, often multiple times a day. It gave me a venue to express myself when I had nowhere else to go. I have spent the last 36 years of my life falling and picking myself back up again. I am so dreadfully tired of it. I once had great ambitions and dreams for my life. It is hard to look back at my failures knowing I was running full steam a head only to hit a brick wall. And I hit that brick wall over and over again. I compare myself to my friends and family, and they have the benefit of what seems to be indefinite momentum. I never dreamed my life would be what it is now, and I am honestly disappointed by my progress.

One of the most difficult things about being bipolar is the lack of support I have. Even prior to the diagnosis I never felt I had the understanding of friends and family. Furthermore it is incredibly scary to share your thoughts and feelings with others because you are not sure that those you confide in will help you- which is truly why you are reaching out- or if they will use what you tell them against you.

For example, several months ago I heard a story on the news where I mother shot herself and her two small children. My inclination is to be sad, appalled perhaps even confused. How can a mother kill her own children I thought to myself if her life seemed so hopeless why did she not simple kill herself?

About six weeks ago I was dreadfully depressed, so much so I contemplated setting the house on fire with myself and my children in it. It is a horrifying line to cross when you fully understand the desperation of the woman who shot herself and her children. It is only within the deepest and darkest crevices of ones mind where you can fully comprehend her fear and hopelessness. Why the children too? You wonder how they will live through the embarrassment of what you have done. You ask what kind of life can they expect to have if you follow through on such a plan. Who can you trust to care for them when you are gone. And most of all you fear that they have what you have, and they will share in this common hell.

When I feel this way I make an appointment with my shrink and express to him exactly how I am feeling. I try to put those feelings into perspective. I try to remember that the ugliest of feelings pass. Most of all I tell my shrink because he does not judge me- at least does not appear to and makes me feel accountable. In my mind if someone knows I can’t follow through on it.

Now that I am certain of what I am and who I am, I have chosen to accept it. I am moving forward and I am going to continue to seek treatment through medication and therapy because I refuse to lose any more years of my life to BPD. I have the world so much more to offer. I think most of all I have been inspired by the Gospel of Thomas, Verse 70 “ If you bring forth what you have within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will kill you.”

This is my journey. You are welcome to join me. I promise it won’t always make sense.