An Emotional Affair Part I

Several years ago while working I found myself in an emotional affair. Some people argue it is just as bad as the physical thing but for me its like that Howard Jones song..."You can dip your foot in the pool, but you can't have a swim." I must be honest and say I resent the fact it did not go farther.

At the time my husband and I had recently moved to a small town for employment reasons-for him of course-not me. I had no friends or family there and no desire to move, but he promised that making the move would be the greatest thing that ever happened to us. I continued to protest the idea. To add to my aversion I was 7 months pregnant and did not want to move away from my obgyn. One day while working my husband called me and told me the job was no longer up for discussion. He had taken the job, we were moving and that was final. He further went on to say that if I did not move he would leave me because to not move was to deny him his happiness. I submitted to the move. Looking back it is the dumbest thing I ever did.

I was pregnant with our first child and scared at the prospect of having to raise a child on my own. I had no idea what to expect. I knew I certainly could not afford it. It spoke volumes of how much my husband valued me, but I was too scared to do anything-which seems to be a recurring theme in my life.

We moved- or should I say I moved because he helped with absolutely nothing. Months later we had our first child and for at least a few months life was agreeable. When my son was several months old my husband began to find any and every excuse to be somewhere other than home. I suspected he was having an affair but there was part of me that did not want to know and part of me that was hoping he was and would leave me for the other woman. Having him around was unbearable. When he was home my son and I were not allowed to leave the house. Even if he were sleeping ( afternoon naps are one of his favorite things) he would expect us to stay home and watch him sleep. He told me it made him feel better knowing we were in the house with him. After he would spend the better part of the day lounging, he would get up go to work or go out for the evening. Which left little for my son and I other than dinner, bath time and bed.

I began to speak with a guy at work on a rather regular basis. My department was regionalized and he happened to work in one of the branch offices in my region. The first time I heard his voice on the phone I was utterly smitten. His wife had just had a baby and he told me the child was absolutely beautiful- just like his wife. I know you should not be moved by another man's words when they are in fact about his wife, but I was so envious. I wished my husband would say something so kind and wonderful about his own family. I couldn't help thinking 'I wish I were married to that man rather than my own husband'.

Months went by and we spoke on a daily basis. We did not get to see each other because our offices were in different states. We exchanged photos. Over time the relationship progressed. And as foolish as it sounds I was certain I was in love. When I say daily, I mean for hours each day. I spoke to him on the phone on my drive into work, my drive home from work, during work, during lunch, I often made excuses to leave the house to make phone calls.

His behavior towards me was at times very aggressive. It appeared as though he did not care who knew about the relationship. If he called, and I was not at my desk, he would call my co-workers looking for me. He would ask where the gorgeous redhead was. He would comment about his feelings to my friends. And all of this attention was an incredible rush. All of the things that he did made me feel very valued. In retrospect, I see everything differently, but at that point in time I was very "high" and I did things and saw things very differently.

E-mails and phone calls between us were very sexual in nature. I sent very compromising photos of myself, which under normal circumstances is something I would never do. He called at night and on weekends in the presence of my husband. I always made excuses for the calls. A few times I thought we should slow down or even end the relationship because I did not see in reality how it would progress without severe repercutions. When I would share my feelings with him he would threaten to call and tell my husband. Although, it should have pissed me off it in fact inflamed the passion. I did not see how he could put my marriage at risk without risking his own. And if he were willing to do so, he obviously wanted a future with me. Right?? I guess it all depends on who you're asking. High Alex? Low Alex? Or level headed Alex?

Initially it was not my intention to see him as a love interest. I intended on having an affair as a way of paying my husband back for being an uber asshole. But as time went by I deluded myself into believing this man had so much more to offer. I certainly don't need to be told how wrong I was. I am well aware of it. It is disgraceful that I would treat his wife with such disrespect, but on an emotional level he was giving me nearly everything I needed and I was so hungry for it I did not care about his wife. I only cared about myself.

We spent a year talking, e-mailing IMing. We made plans to meet eachother under the guise of a business trip but this never came to fruition. He eventually left the company and our communication slowed which I resented greatly. For months he had made comments to me which lead me to believe that there was a level of commitment to our relationship. I really hate to say it-- because even thinking about it makes me feel like a fool, but I truly believed that once we met the relationship would ultimately lead to us leaving our spouses and being together.

One day he called to give me the wonderful news that he and his wife were buying a house. I was utterly shocked because in my mind a multi 100k commitment is not something you make with a person you no longer want to be with. From there the deconstruction of the relationship increased at warp speed. I felt so betrayed. We had made innumerable promises to eachother. What was going on?

Daily calls became every other day. Every other day became once or twice a week. Once or twice a week became every couple of weeks and then it goes to the point that the calls came only when he needed his ego stroked....

From time to time things would heat up briefly but is now apparent there was never anything lasting between us. We stopped speaking over a year ago, until one day when I received an e-mail asking if we could talk. I of course said no. Our last communication is listed below. Fucking "starfish"-now that rolls across a tongue like sweet sweet honey doesn't it? Asshole...


Oh dear Alex,

I'm truly sorry you feel that way. I'm assuming you feel that way because of the length of time since we last spoke. The last impression I recv'dfrom you was that you were enduring some tough times (understandably) and did not want to speak to me for a while. I'm not sure it's even that. Who knows, you may still be fired up about me wanting to see your starfish. I apologized long ago for that lapse in good judgment. I sent an email quite some time ago and got a mail demon error. I admit it's been a while. I don't think it fair to characterize me as being a piss poor friend, howeverI learned that there's no winning an argument with you. So I'm wrong you're right. I do miss you horribly and wish I could speak with you. I'm even willing to endure you berating me, if it means I can hear from you. Please take sometime to reconsider.

Forever,
Laney