The Cop's Wife On Drugs

I love this new Cloza whatever crap they have me on. I take two a day. They take the edge off so I don't find myself reaching for a beer mid afternoon. I think this is by far the best thing I have tried. I stopped taking the Trilepital. I can't say they were doing anything for me. But this new stuff is fabulous. The reason being is I feel so much calmer. I have 3 times the energy I used to have because my energy is not wasted on constant anxiety. I hope it continues to work this way. I have been seeking a solution for so long-not by way of therapists or doctors . I never wanted to be branded with a mental problem. I always thought a new religion or a new hobby-some kind of spiritual experience was exactly what I needed to resolve this on going internal conflict. I have been more productive in the last week and a half than I have in the last 6 months and I honestly can say it is not because I am on a high.

The greater issue at hand is that I have been straining to make some serious life changes that up until now I have not been able to. I can't say I am quite ready yet but at least I see hope. I can't tell you the number of false starts I have endured over the course of years. Right now I am thinking maybe, just maybe I can start living life again.

The real crux of my issues is not the Bi-Polar so much as it is my husband. I have been in my marriage for far too long but I have not been able to empower myself to leave. I don't want to come off as some quasi shrink but I truly believe my husband has NPD- Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It has been difficult enough dealing with my own issues but I live under his thumb, his microscope and over the course of years he has taken my power, my esteem, my sense of identity.

People will tell you no one can take from you unless you let them... I suppose that is true to an extent. A narcissist can be very charming, as my husband was. I was overwhelmed by his kindness and to a great extent pitied him because as he represented himself, he was a hard working, loyal, empathetic, intelligent man who had been taken advantage of by innumerable family members and previous lovers. Knowing him, as I did at that time left me thinking to treat this man in such a way was unimaginable.

Months went by, and he could not have been a better suitor, and then one day everything changed. At which point why did she not leave you ask? Because I was left utterly confused, as though I had lost all bearings on reality. I could not reconcile who this man was and who he had been. And I stuck around certain I could fix the problem.

When you are Bi-Polar you find there are certain things which act as triggers in your life. How they play out always remains to be seen. But when you are feeling high you have illusions of being better, more powerful, infallible than what you actually are. There was no area in which I could not succeed and this was one of them for the time being.

His behavior towards me turned verbal abusive. He was inattentive to put it nicely. When asked why the sudden change he always offered up that there was something lacking in his life or someone making him unhappy. At the time he was having financial issues which was causing him a tremendous amount of stress. If only they were resolved he would be the same man he had been before. And so I set out to fix the problem-and I did, sort of... The money issues were resolved but the attitude had not changed and now there were new reasons to act like an asshole. You see he always wanted to be a cop. All of his life it is all he ever dreamed about...and this dream eluded him. He would never be happy unless he were to become a cop. So there I sat in an apartment we now shared and filed out applications for academies and then applications for departments. Forked over the check for the classes. But guess what? He became a cop and he was still an asshole.