I Might Be Bipolar But I'm Not Some Crazy Bitch!

This is why I hate being Bipolar…

http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2006/09/09/is-my-ex-wife-suffering-from-bipolar-disorder-if-not-then-what


People often confuse Bipolar with schizophrenia. They see the “bi” and simply believe this is an indication of multiple personality syndrome or something such as schizophrenia.

Bipolar disorder is often misdiagnosed and while we live in a culture that claims to have a pill for all that ails you, people who have other issues are neatly pigeon holed into a category that does not suit them.

Some studies indicate that Bipolar disorder runs in families. I believe this to be true. My father is Bipolar and my grandfather was as well. Knowing this you would think I would have concluded that I had problems early on. This was never discussed in our home. In fact I never knew my grandfather because he committed a murder suicide (killed his second wife and then himself) in 1961. Growing up I was told that my grandfather died while my father was young.

My bouts with cycling began as a teenager. I can recall numerous times while depressed that I asked my mother for help. She of course did not want acknowledge my issues and summed them up as dramatics. To acknowledge the issue is to acknowledge you have a less than perfect child. That is hard for any parent to do.

Growing up I accepted the cycles as being part of my unique personality and as a young adult I was not about to be labeled as “crazy”. Bipolar disorder is such a difficult thing to explain to someone who does not have it. I often suffer from racing thoughts. Depending on where I’m at mentally it means I am either an over productive creative genius or it means I am totally inept and unable to follow through on anything to completion.

This summer I dyed my hair pink. I’m in my thirties and I have children. Everyone asked me why. I did it because I thought it would make me feel better. The same way I decide that spending thousands of dollars on jewelry will make me feel better. There are so many aspects about Bipolar that are different yet the same-at least for me. When I feel great I want to do crazy things. For instance I once decided I only wanted to wear Indian clothing so that’s all I bought. For a while I bought a lot of very strange jewelry and then I collected hats. What’s Bipolar about that? When I do these things in my mind it is the physical manifestation of my new self- my new stay up all night writing poetry, painting, drawing self. For a few weeks maybe even 2-3 months there is a new and improved Alex in town and her level of creativity and intelligence far exceeds that of old Alex. New Alex is very self assured, very together, can do anything, can be anything because she has so much backbone-you know it by looking at her because what kind of crazy everyday white bitch dresses like she’s Japanese and just doesn’t care about what other people think? This feeling of euphoria is better than drugs, better than love, so good I wish I could bottle it.

Then the depression rolls in…and sometimes it lasts and it lasts. I start wondering how I am going to get myself out of it. And so I begin to engage in the very same activities I did when I was manic –like doing so will bring that wonderful euphoric feeling back. If I had pink hair I would feel like that other Alex. It doesn’t work but I keep trying because I need that high so desperately.

There are two selves inside each of us. There is the person we perceive ourselves to be and then there is our true self. I want to be the brilliant Alex. I want to be her all the time. I want to believe that is who I really am. It hurts to think I just might be average….

Here’s some other links on Bipolar and the creative behaviors that come with it.

http://serendip.brynmawr.edu/bb/neuro/neuro98/202s98-paper3/Krishna3.html

http://pn.psychiatryonline.org/cgi/content/full/40/22/23

There are so many other sites that can help give you a better understanding of who you are and why. I will add them from time to time.

So for the tangent but I hate coming across people asking if their loved ones are Bipolar when they are showing signs of severe psychotic behavior.