Ahhh...My Husband Is Finally Out Of The House

Ahhhh..My Husband Is Out Of The House

My husband had a few days off which makes it virtually impossible to write. He is completely unaware that I have this blog and if he happened to find out, I would be calling on the kindness of strangers to take myself and my children in.

My mother came to visit on Sunday and spent the night. When she came in the house she greeted my husband and asked him how he was doing. He could not help but reply, “I’m fine, but your daughter’s lazy.” It has taken many years for my mother to not fall into this trap. Finally she responded to him by telling him not to say mean things about her children.

I suppose I have said it before, but I will say it again. Someone who is NPD spends a great deal of time convincing anyone and everyone who will listen that their spouse has a plethora of shortcomings and requires some sort of intervention. For years my husband would call upon my mother for “help.” You see I am mean, down right cruel, lazy, a horrible mother and worst of all a horrible wife. He always manages to tell very contrived stories about something horrible I did. For years I had to listen to him tell my mother that I was filthy and how he was the only person who ever bothered to clean the house. This of course resulted in me being lectured by my mother as to how important it is that I keep the house up daily and I was not raised to act and live like a pig.

As you can imagine that is a very frustrating situation because I do clean. The greater issue is what my husband does after I clean. My husband is fond of throwing his wrappers on the floor. I often feel like I live in one of those bars where they offer peanuts instead of pretzels- shells all over the floor. Power Bar wrappers, chip bags, drink cans whatever he has eaten that day can be found on the floor near or within the vicinity of his reclining chair. If my husband spills his coffee, he leaves the spill. When my husband makes PB & J’s he leaves the congealed jelly all over the counter. If he makes popcorn, half the bag and half its contents can be found on the floor.

Why does he do this you ask? Well when I do clean the house, it is never cleaned to his satisfaction. There is always something I missed. Had he done the cleaning he would have done it better. And since it is not truly clean by his standards, who gives a shit if he throws his trash on the floor?? Maybe I will do a better job next time if he keeps throwing trash on the floor. At least this is what he tells me.

After becoming VERY tired of his behavior and very tired of my mother’s lectures I decided to do something about it. One Sunday both my mother and father came to visit. The house was pristine. The following day I had to go to work, and when I returned home the house looked like someone had thrown a 10 kegger while I was out. I decided to take pictures of all the crap that was strewn all over the place and send them to my mother. “This is what the house looked like when you came. This is what the house looked like after you left.” She of course was appalled and finally began to realize my husband is a liar.

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t regret this union. His own friends have asked me when I am going to leave him. I simply shrug and say I don’t know. I am always trying to formulate the perfect plan. That hasn’t worked out for me as you tell. I would have to say that any relationship between someone with BPD and Narcissistic Personality Disorder is probably the worst union under the sun. I spend enough time questioning my own sanity without having to be married to someone who goes out of their way to tell me I am a worthless and a crackpot.

Much like a perpetrating of domestic violence an NPD will modify his behavior if he feels threatened. A person married to a physically violent person would call this the “honeymoon” period.. An NPD does essentially the same thing. He modifies his behavior until he believes the threat has passed.. This creates an emotional roller coaster for the person involved with the NPD. It has taken me years to realize that my husband is an NPD. I know this may sound very strange but it was incredibly freeing when I came to the realization.

There is no cure for NPD, it can not be suppressed through medication. Therapy does little or anything for an NPD because A.) they do not believe they have a problem and B.) do not regard the therapist as an authority ( they do not regard anyone as an authority).
Once I understood my husband is a narcissist, I realized there was nothing I could do to “fix” him, and it was finally time to focus on fixing myself.

If you believe you are involved with an NPD you may want to seek out support.. http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER
It’s important that you begin to value yourself again and understand you are not the problem.