Bad Days

Hello. My name is Alex. I am 36 years old, a wife and mother of three. I am Bi Polar and I have known so for years. It is only recently that I have decided to seek professional help because I am no longer able to manage on my own. I am certain there are probably tens of thousands- if not more like me.

It appears as though Bi-Polar Disorder has become the psychosis du jour. It is difficult to discuss with anyone without having them look at you as if you had just professed you are fashionably bi-sexual. As a person both married and with children my outlets have become few. This situation seemed so much easier when I had no one to concern myself with. Fifteen years ago the drinking, over spending and the lewd behavior I care not to mention, only affected me. Now I try so hard to keep it under wraps but it is becoming increasingly impossible- for innumerable reasons I will mention later. Is there anyone in this world who knows what I mean?


Years ago when I was in college I went to a therapist because I was having difficulties with on going depression. It was at that time that my therapist suggested I see a psychiatrist because the highs and lows I described to her sounded much like manic depressive disorder - bi-polar. That is all I need to hear, and I never went back to speak with her again. Back then, and perhaps it is still the case, people confused bi-polar with Schizophrenia. I did not need to hear another word because I would be damned to be given such a label.

I thought about what she said for a very long time. Honestly, it made a lot of sense. I could look back and see all the times I didn't just feel good, I was euphoric to the extent of completely outrageous and then I would find myself so depressed I was on the verge of suicide. Mental illness runs in my family but we spend a great deal of time pretending that it doesn't.

I am going to cut out the middle to get to the end. I think I have plenty of time to tell you about all the things which have transpired between then and now. Right now I am taking meds, seeing a therapist. I can't say it is helping. My mood has been depressed for nearly a year now. I keep waiting on the high but it hasn't returned. I am anxious. I am sad and more and more I am quick to scream at my children. I wish I could explain to them what I am going through. But how do you?